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question about role transitions

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 42

shari,

thanks. i found your comments helpful because

you do understand and it's nice to not feel alone in this.

right now, i'm just putting space between me and them

because the drama gets too much and the constant

negativity too.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

Hi Girls,

I have just ordered on-line a set of books authored by a man named Ruiz. A co-worker had them at work the other night, I didn't have much time to read them, but I did see that one of his "Agreements" is that we are not responsible for anyone else's words. Anyone ever hear of him? It's kind of a self-awareness thing I guess. I also ordered Eat, Love and Pray , and to save shipping I got this mystery, Thirteen Chapters. The books will be in next week.I'll let you know if they are any good.

Cleo

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1071

Hi CarnationsL,

I understand how you feel. I wrote a couple of blogs you may be interested in reading. There have been 3 times in my life when my family rejected me. I had to give them space and they eventually came back, so there is hope for reconciliation. It may take time. There are still topics I can't talk about with my Mom. Sometimes she's supportive and sometimes she's not. I had some relatives that thrived in drama and I lost my peace and had to remove myself from their games. It's one of those things where, no matter what you say, you don't know if they'll respond with something nice or chop your head off and hand it to you on a silver platter. For example, I emailed an Aunt and literally said, "Hi, Have a nice day." And, she replied with, "What do you mean by that!" Good grief, how can that be misinterpreted. Sorry, I haven't responded to your thread sooner. It's a sensitive issue with me as well and I had to take a long time to think about how to respond. I don't know if I really helped with anything other than understanding your situation. Here for you, Shari

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 42

davit, thanks. your words made me feel much better. confidence is something

i've struggled with my whole life and i'm definitely going to keep working on it.

cleo, thanks for the advice and yes, i have to challenge my negative thoughts

on this. i tried a similar tactic with my mother as you did, and things didn't

get much better. she just denied that she was at fault and that the blame

was all on me. her words were something like, 'if you want to be a good

person, you have to do what i say'.

sunny123, thanks for the suggestions.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1665

I was once told that those who think they might be boring usually aren't as they are more aware of the give and take of conversations and usually try harder. Those who are truly boring don't even know it and ramble on without a thought of others.

Do you keep up with the latest news? Sometimes reading the latest re: entertainment, technology, medical advances, foods, etc. will give you a little of everything that you can bring up in a conversation. Doesn't have to be all the negative news, disasters etc. if that disturbs you. You don't have to be an expert on any subject, just a mention and sometimes the conversation will take off by itself. Knowing a couple of good jokes is handy too.

Just some ideas to for you.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

Hi Carnations,

How do you know that you are boring? Why do you think you are boring? Have you asked yourself these questions or just take it for granted that you are boring.( See..I'm asking you to challenge your thinking) It sounds like a Negative Core Belief for sure. I bet you are very interesting to talk with, and be with, but you need to believe it of yourself.

As for your manipulative / critical family members...boy can I relate...its taken me many years to be able to have a conversation with my mother that I feel fairly comfortable with. Years ago I had had enough of her negativity and chronic criticisims..(I used to just put up with her to keep the peace) so I gave her an ultimatium..either she backs off or I wouldn't talk with her..she was shocked...we didn't talk for a long while, but then when we did..things were much better. Perfect..no...but I feel capable and able to protect myself without the fear or guilt...in case I have to say something to her that I know she won't like, she no longer has that power over me to make me feel bad about myself. I hope this makes sense and gives you something to think about.

Here for eachother

Cleo

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

CarnationsL

You are not boring, I know boring people, but you might not be confident enough or assertive enough. Your friends that don't stick around aren't really friends. One of the things that got me into being an information junky was wanting to be able to hold a conversation on any subject. I find though that a lot of the people I know are acquaintances only. The half dozen close friends I have are true friends, the kind that listen to you, and are there for you when you need them. But being able to carry a conversation even if all I am doing is picking someone's brain has allowed me to sit down with almost anyone and talk. This is how i have made a lot of friends. I never used to be able to do this, I used to be very shy and unconfident. Can't tell by here can you. But it is true. And you do have friends, you have all of us, we just can't go out with you much as we would like to get together.

Here for you,

Davit.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 42

davit,

thanks for your words. you are right, i just have to accept it.

it's just so hard because i feel like i have no support due to lack of positive friends.

i have no problem making friends, it's just people don't like staying friends

with me because they find me boring.

i'm glad for your sticking your neck out.

ashley,

thanks for the advice. i struggle to surround myself with positive people because i'm not very

good at keeping friends (because they find me boring), but that is something i wish to do.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

carnationsL

I am very sensitive and used to be shy. I live with the sensitivity and the shyness I managed to get rid of by changing the core belief that caused it. I also am different from others, not in dress but in thought. I am intelligent and have good comprehension. I also do not fit in most places. And I have to work at it to socialize, but I am getting better. I don't mean I'm changing I mean I am adding on. I can still be me and be what people expect me to be. I am an individual and I like me and I like my life. (except for the arthritis) But if I have to add on a little to socialize I will but still keep my individuality. I have some very individual friends and some do bother me, but it is their life and one thing you can say for them is they are not boring. Feel good that you are yourself, there are too many sheep as it is. Is there any way you can keep the negative people happy and still be you? If not then accept that this is just how it has to be. You are not physically hurting any one are you? Better to know who you are than to change and forever wonder.

Sticking my neck out again.

Davit.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11226

Hi CarnationsL,

I can understand how this would be very frustrating and certainly upsetting. There is no easy answer to this question but there are a few possible ways you can address this. I am glad you are reading the shyness and sensitivity session. Also check out the relationships and resolving disputes sections. These sessions will help you to address the situation.

I agree with you when you say you have no control over what they say and besides using the techniques you learn from the above sessions there is little that can be done. However setting boundaries is important. It can be difficult but the first step to setting boundaries is realizing that no one individual has power over how you feel. You always have a choice on how you react to someone else's actions. Don't give away your power, don't become a victim. When boundaries are crossed you need to decide what consequences will result. You can make a choice to limit or end contact or simply chose to ignore the remark. No matter what you decide remember that you are happy with yourself and there is nothing wrong with who you are. If you have come to a place where you are happy with yourself that is amazing and should be celebrated. It takes strength and courage to get there. Surrounding yourself with people who reinforce this positive view of yourself is what is needed.

It is completely normal to want the approval of others, especially family but when seeking their approval makes you unhappy there is a problem. What do you need from your family? How will you convey this need to them? If this need is not met then what will you do? Remember you can have control of your environment and the supportive or toxic individuals who inhabit it.

Know that you deserve to be seen and appreciated for the person you are and not the person everyone wants you to be. Trying to meet others expectations is impossible and unfruitful.

I encourage you to continue to discussing this because there is no easy solution but talking about it may help.

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

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question about role transitions