Hello Everyone,
Thank you so much for all you're replies. Finally I can write somewhat of a positive. My husband had to work overtime tonight so I could not go too my nurse, PLUS my monthly started and its much much heavier than usual, I was very dizzy and weak, even if he did get home on time I doubt I could of gone, a half hour drive each way cramping and bleeding and dizzy would not have been good, my nurse and I did a "phone session" which I will still pay her for of course, and it went very very well!
She was kind compassionate and informative and understanding about me not having a ride, we rescheduled for next week which I must go too but I dont want to pressure myself right now about that its a week away and I will worry later about it.
She explained to me since I cannot take the antidepressants, only the klonopin, I must supplement it with behavioral therapy, which I am doing on this site I told her how wonderful this program is and how great the moderators and members have been too me. She was quite taken back when I told her about how my therapist said I was "crazy" and when I said I might have throat cancer he replied "what color flowers should I send to the funeral home?!} She told me she herself would NOT say that to a patient, she said he was more or less joking, but a person with panic and depression one of their main fears is that they will lose thier mind so him saying even in jest was not funny or professional, she wants me to talk to him about it an tell him how offended and scared it made me, but I do not even want to talk to him anymore, I just want to forget about it, thinking about it and rehashing it with him will make me worse, and he will just make me feel stupid and say "I was joking Deb trying too make you laugh" but that was not funny, nothing about this horrible condition I have is funny or butt of jokes.
She wants me too find a female therapist that is an expert in CBT, and continue with this site and take the klonopin. She wants me too keep telling myself "You dont have a terminal illness" "Nobody has told you you are dying" and I want that too work of course, but I have NOT been to a ENT doctor so if I dont go how can someone tell me? I have had hardly no voice for almost three week, very raspy and croaky and then I lose it all together and that "lump" has come back, which may be nerves, I often heard about the anxiety "lump in the throat" with people with anxiety, does anyone else ever get that, a lump when they try to swallow?? How I hope and pray its just nerves, I dont like the fact its been going on so long that scares me.
The session went well and she was informative, My last words too her were "do you think I will get better I will be normal again and not scared of my own shadow?" She replied "I certainly hope so you deserve to be happy and stop suffering" how I wish those words go right too heaven, I have beat myself up over this so much, that I have fallen apart and stopped functioning, I have to believe in my heart and in CBT that it will work. Today my hormones are all over the place, you know ladies the first day or two of your monthly how tired and weak you feel, sorry if any men are reading this, I tried to be discreet, I have to lose my fear of leaving the house, today I became so dizzy just thinking about it. I am going to have to work the program harder, which I have been, but I think the biggest thing is beyond medication or therapy is that I have to BELIEVE in myself again, that I am not too old or severe too get well, how I pray I can find peace and joy again in life.
