Journalling is like ironing clothes. It is just to straighten things out in your mind and help build positives in your memory. Some people do keep a little notebook to write in so they can do a comparison. But it isn't necessary. Mostly it is to interrupt the confused thought that comes with panic. Because unless you do look at the way you are thinking you won't realize it is illogical. Logical thought is a reason for panic in the form of fight or flight. And this is okay because you can look at it and say whether there is reason to fear or not. Illogical thought or thoughts that are only partially there don't give you this option unless you can see them for what they are. So you write them or try to write them to show them for what they are and then you can make them go away.
An example: I would wake feeling trapped, often the trigger was a dream of a confined space. The condition that set off the trigger was tangled covers or a heavy feeling from eating too late. Now realize I have spent time in confined spaces working and it didn't bother me. But the thought is different. I can make it quite bad with some "what ifs". (I can do this watching a movie) (see in an actual situation you have parameters, it is what it is. In panic it is anything you can imagine it is) So the thoughts would be worse case scenarios. I would journal to say to myself, this is not possible, I would never get into this situation or this could not possibly happen. Mostly, this is not happening. But first I had to cut through the fog of a confused thought. Fear was trying to close the thought and hide from it yet panic was trying to keep it open. Writing was almost impossible. As soon as I could break the illogical thought it was gone. Memory has a lot of things to use to build this false thought. Movies or news stories of things I never actually experienced so I have no way to know if the feeling is true. Only that they scare me. And of course the panic thought recycles back to memory to be used again with the next trigger. Which became "I will panic at 2 am." so I did. And this thought triggered the claustrophobic thought that wasn't there till then. Just like it is trying to do now because this subject is related to buried negatives I still have and always will, they are forever in memory. But I'm awake, and they are not true so they have no effect, they just are. On top of all that I had to add "this is not a heart attack" and "I am not going to pass out" ETC. What ever the sensation was at the time. A lot to try to fix with just thought. So you write it and read it and say it aloud for reinforcement. And it works. Because this too is CBT. This too is changing thought patterns.
It might be a bit soon but you would have been better to induce the panic attack during the day and get it over with than to fight it. You will do this a little farther down the road in exposure to see how well you have the skills in place to handle it. Don't worry, by then you will be able to shrug them off. Just like I am doing right now.
Once you have a panic attack you have the potential to have another, once you have CBT you have the potential to never panic again. Now that you are on the road to recovery you have to stay till you do, and you will.
You have an association in memory you can use. Africa trip <====> the way you were when you planned it. Use thoughts and memories of then to cope with now. I'd start now even. Day dream about how good it was and how good it will be again. When ever you are not panicking remember it is because you don't have to. Ever.
Davit.
Ps. I guess my place is my sanctuary. I don't fit well elsewhere, and I don't have to so why try.
One other thing take your pills with you even if you never use then but use them if you have to. This is an opportunity you want to really enjoy and you can.
