Goodmorning everyone, 

Teebs, I agree with your fellow members that you sound more confident and have come to the realization that this is not your issues but your colleague's issues.  Know what aspects you can control and what you can't.  I'm sorry to hear she was once a friend.  I hope she comes to realize that she is hurting not only herself but others by reacting in this negative way.

 

Continue to stay positive and know you have our support!  

Shari - Thanks for saying I sound stronger and better in my posts, even if I don't feel it. My counselor has said the same thing, that she sees the changes in me, and soon I will, too. I can't wait!

Kaitie - I have tried talking to my co-worker....as you probably know from talking to your dad by the sounds of it, it's not always very effective with someone who has serious anger issues. She isn't capable of having a rational conversation about it, so I'm on my own to deal with it in a healthy way. Part of it is reminding myself how it has to do with her issues, not mine, and another part is telling myself I can always leave if she starts getting intolerable! I don't have to sit there and take her unjustified anger.

I definitely agree that some dragons tend to be more common. Maybe it's a part of how we have evolved that makes some things easier to believe than others. My worst dragons would be Undeserving and Inadequate (aka Not Good Enough). Maybe Incapable too, as in incapable of coping. I love how you actually knitted your dragons and put them in a tank, you brought your analogy to life. It's one thing to be able to identify them and picture them in your mind but to be able to touch the dragon and hold it is a way of distancing yourself from the negative core belief it represents.

It's so good to hear everything is going well for you and you're so happy. Is little Chiquita okay? That would be scary, as with the peak hour traffic. I'm glad the diaphragmic breathing helped you, sometimes I have trouble releasing the tension in my abdomen when I'm nervous. At times the anxiety comes on full force once I stop focusing on my breath, like I've been holding a wall up and it finally collapses, which is exhausting physically and emotionally.

Pets do help with getting through tough times. My rainbow lorikeet has learnt to bark now, so when my dog starts barking, so does he! He also makes a kind of 'woohoo' noise like a wolf whistle which always cracks me up.

I'm glad you still visit the website, I love all the people on here too :) it's always nice when spring comes and the air has a kind of newfound freshness.  Summer has certainly come to an end here, it's getting really cold now. I feel a bit deprived since Queensland hasn't really had a proper summer for a few years now, we went from severe drought to severe floods. I'd almost forgotten what rain depression was until now.

 

All the best Shari,
 Kaitie.

First let me explain my avatar :)  This made my night.  I have two Chihuahuas, Fawn and Chiquita, and they were both sleeping under the blanket on the couch.  Fawn's head is on the left side and Chiquita's back side is on the other end.  So, it's looks like they are one dog!  My husband's favorite dog is the Dachshund, so I showed him the picture and said, "It looks like you finally got your Dachshund!"  How funny is that :)  

I'm so glad you like my knitted dragons, I wish I could knit one for you and mail it to you somehow :)  If you do knit, the dragon pattern is in the book, "Teeny-Tiny Mochimochi" by Anna Hrachovec.  I know Amazon has a U.K. web bookstore, maybe they have an Australia book store?  In the book my dragon is called a dinosaur and they have a lot of other cute projects.

Finally, to answer your question...Yes!  I have worked out everything I've needed to and I have peace of mind and I'm very happy.  Happier than I can ever remember :)  I still have to manage anxiety and will, throughout my life, because life isn't perfect, but as long as I practice the coping skills and relaxation techniques learned here (even just replacing daily negative thoughts with positive ones) it's keeps me from having a setback or the setback is extremely shortened.  I also pray and meditate in the morning and I find this enables me to handle any unexpected stresses of the day.  Like the other day, Chiquita's kneecap slipped out of place.  It's called Patella Luxation.  I've had Chihuahuas for 28 years and two of my dogs had to have surgery to repair it.  So, I had to go to the Vet's office during rush hour traffic and I hit every red light in bumper to bumper traffic.  If you had seen my posts, when I first joined, this situation would have given me a panic attack.  So, I purposefully, relaxed my body (which sends a signal to my brain that all is well) and I breathed from my diaphragm.  And, I was 100% fine!  I did have a build up of stress, recently, and the best thing I can do is just cry, to get it out, to keep anxiety from becoming worse.  I also am 50 and I'm going through menopause, so the drop in estrogen and hormonal issues are sometimes not fun and can actually cause anxiety.  So, I just use my tools to get through and then something funny will happen, like my dogs on the couch avatar, and I'm back to normal.  I also tell myself this hormone thing, or just anxiety over a situation, is just temporary and it won't last forever and it doesn't.  So, there is relief in that knowledge even when going through a stressful time or unexpected emergency.  Once in awhile, something will agitate me and I have to become a detective and figure it out.  Like the abandonment dragon.  And, fortunately, I have a friend who is good at helping me identify dragons.  So, when things crop up, I deal with them as they come.  I'm not sure if I have any other dragons hiding out there, but if they reveal themselves, I will surely name them, knit them, and put them in my dragon tank :) :) :)  I love everyone here and miss everyone.  It's hard for me to stay away from the site.  But, I check on you all, at different times and will add my two cents if someone posts a question for me.  It's a beautiful sunny day today, but still cold.  It's supposed to be spring, but old man winter won't give up his season for now.  But, he doesn't realize he's only temporary too.  The next thing you know, we'll all be complaining about how hot it is :)  Have a great weekend everybody!

Shari the Dragon Slayer (feel free to join me and slay your dragons :) P.S.  I found out that most people have the Not Good Enough dragon and the Unworthy dragon.  So, some dragons (neg. core beliefs) seem to be universal.  I just thought that was interesting.

I'm glad you like the dragons and found comfort in the information that I have found comfort in too.  Your counselor is right! I identify with being around angry people who take things out on you.  What I have learned is that angry people are really hurting people.  It doesn't excuse their behavior, but I've struggled trying to remember that, whatever the wrath, it has nothing to do with me, it is an issue with that person.  I tried to switch my feelings about them to feel sorry for them and recognize they are lashing out and are really covering up hurt.  It seems hurting people like to hurt other people; misery loves company. I've had trouble letting things go and difficulty grasping that it's not a rejection by the angry person.  But, just keep telling yourself the truth, that it's an issue with her and she's hurting and put her in a position of feeling sorry for her every time it's hard to let go or you are fighting the rejection dragon.  Hmm...you know what?  I have the rejection dragon's twin...looks like I need to knit another dragon and name him the positive opposite of rejection.  I'll name him, Acceptance.  Thanks Teebs!  You helped me.  You know, sometimes I think I've got all of the dragons labeled and then another one rears it's ugly head.  Good grief.  I'll have to not let it be a blow to my self esteem by having a herd of dragons, instead of just a couple :)  I guess the important thing is not the number of dragons, but being able to manage them, how's that for a positive :)

Good to hear from you Teebs and you sound like you are managing everything much better now, even if you don't think so, it comes across that way in your posts, so good job!

Shari

I love the negative core belief dragons Shari. Abandonment/rejection I've recently learned is one of my lesser known negative core beliefs as well. I keep re-reading this part of what you wrote: "It's a relief to know that my worth, as a person, doesn't depend on other people liking me, or from me doing things for people, or whether people stay with me or not.  I have value and worth just being me.  Wow."

 

One thing I've been taught by my counselor and keep trying to remember is that no matter what you do, there are bound to be some person(s) that don't like you. It's literally impossible for everyone to like you, so why try? Instead just be honest about who you are and surround yourself with love and acceptance.

 

I'm having such a hard time with a co-worker who is taking out her anger at a lot of things on me. I haven't done anything to her directly other than being at the right place at the right time to be a target for her. It has been really, really hard to deal with her not liking me, especially because we used to be friends. I think this difficult relationship has been the cause of a lot of my recent anxiety, such as waking up yet again in the middle of the night with an anxious jolt tonight. 

 

My co-worker has some serious issues of her own that she's not addressing, making her difficult to deal with in the work place. I have to realize all her anger is about her own stuff, not about something I did. I can't take responsibility for it or fix it, so I need to accept it and move on without taking it so personally. For some reason I'm having a really hard time letting it go, and realizing this is not a case of me being rejected by her.

 

I thought I had made a lot of progress this week at being affected by her less, but now here I am in the middle of the night, and I can only think it's a sign that I have a lot more work to do.

 

Not sure if this rambling post made much sense, but thanks for reading it anyway.

It's great that you know what thoughts trigger nightmares.  I agree that decluttering work related items would help.  It removes the constant reminder.  I was a military wife for years and I'm in the habit of going through everything I own, every three months, to declutter and get rid of things that collect dust and that I don't use.  A clutter free place is a clutter free mind. I always feel better when I do that.  I'm not suggesting anyone take it to the extreme that I do, for me it just became a habit and routine.  

I recently discovered another dragon (neg. core belief) and a friend helped me out with identifying it.  I thought I had them all on my radar, but this one was sneaky.  It was fear of abandonment.  I read a good book about it, so I would understand myself better and the dragon better.  I guess I should preface what triggered the event.  I went to the Amish Market with my daughter and I fell in love with a little Shih Poo puppy and I named him Leo.  Basically, my daughter thought I was being impulsive so, I put him back in the pen with his two brothers and we left.  It bothered me so much, that we went back, so I could buy him and by the time I got there he was sold.  I, literally, had a nervous breakdown.  I've been tormented by not buying Leo, for two months straight, and I didn't understand why.  My friend told me that I projected my fear of abandonment onto Leo, because, by not buying him, I perceived that I abandoned him.  Makes sense.  I was raised that a woman's worth is in taking care of others.  The book taught me, that when people leave (abandon) me, it is not a judgement of my worth.  I think that's why empty nest hit me so hard.  I perceived my daughter was abandoning me, but she was just growing up and moving on which is a natural part of life.  It's a relief to know that my worth, as a person, doesn't depend on other people liking me, or from me doing things for people, or whether people stay with me or not.  I have value and worth just being me.  Wow.  I don't know why I poured that all out, but I feel better that I did.  I also knitted 5 tiny dragons (all of my neg. core beliefs), so that when I'm upset and I don't know why, I can just look at them and identify which one is the culprit.  They kind of look cute and my daughter said they look more like Tadpoles: which is probably how I should think of them :)  So, I decided to name them the positive replacement words of the neg. core beliefs.  The pink one is, Lovable, the purple one is Supported (the opposite of abandonment), the yellow one is Worthy, the light blue one is Smart and the turquoise one is Good Enough.  I put them in a small plastic critter tank as a symbol of keeping them caged.  When they are caged, I am free :)  I will post them as my Avatar in a few minutes, so you can see them :)

I hope everyone is doing well.  Thinking of you all.

Shari

Davit,

My response needs reframing, it seems

Getting rid of physical things will not get them out of your mind. If you use them keep them if not throw them out but treat them like any other thing. To be able to face them and say they are in the past and have no effect is to win. I have things like that and have learned that it is the thought not the object that is the problem. If not there is stuff I would never be able to use. Replacing stuff has only changed the thought to another negative, in this case being that I had to spend money. So now I don't do that unless I'm actually upgrading.

Anger works here. "Screw it, I don't care where it came from, I'm going to use it till it is wore out" (to get even maybe)

This is an appropriate use of anger since it is not aimed at any one and can't hurt them. A form of Dragon slaying.

Davit.