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Trying to Accept

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Hi Carmie and Vincenzia,

Thank you for writing. I am going to write another post because things have gotten kind of out of control here in my life.

I hope your run went well Carmie and thank you for the prayer and positive thoughts coming my way I do need them, I hope you enjoyed your ice cream, I have not made my appt yet I am going to write you about that in another post, its too long.

You had asked me Vincenzia about courage. What it means to me. I guess it means facing what life throws you and dealing with it and not running away, thats what I have been doing, ever since I found about about this surgery any strength or hope I had seems to have gone away, its SO hard dealing with the panic attacks fear and depression and crying now I face surgery and I know I cannot take it right now, I have been sleeping too much just too escape it. I think I mention courage so much is because everyone in my life mentions it and how I have none, and that makes me feels so guility, I want to set an example of courage for my son, I just Thank God he is not like me, I am so happy he has courage and lives life, that is one positive, in my life is that my son seems to do alright and I am so glad he is not like me, that would be bad if he were, He does alright..

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1853

Hi Debora,

I'm sorry to hear you continue to have a difficult time. As Carmie said though, you CAN do this. Don't abandon hope and remember you are not alone.

You mentioned that 'somehow you must get the courage'... I am wondering Deb, what does 'courage' mean to you? How would you describe someone that is courageous?

Vincenza, Health Educator

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 373

Hi Debora,

I believe that you can do this. When is your first appointment? Keep me in the loop so that I can keep including you in my prayers and wishing you well!

I'm sort of stalling before I go on my run. It's too cold and windy to go outside today so I'm going on the treadmill. I have to burn quite a few calories if I want to have my dish of ice cream!

Take care, Debora - Keep me posted, if you don't mind!
Carmie

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Hi Carmie and Everyone,

I am glad you had a good Easter Carmie it sounds like fun. I am sorry you were dizzy, I know of all my symptoms I hate that one the most. I hope everyone on the site had a good Easter, it makes me feel happy too know you had a good Easter Carmie.

Mine was not so good. Ever since I found out about the surgery I have really fallen apart, spending a lot of time in bed, and I know that is the worst thing too do, I just want it to "go away" but I know its not, in fact, after a few days of it easing up I noticed today its worse, the phelm and wheezing are back and it hurts a little when I swallow, that eased for awhile and now its back, I foolishly thought it might be getting better, but I cannot ignore this, it has to come out and I have to find the strength to do it, just the thought of the bloodwork, and all the pre-op appts overwhelm me, and getting there is hard without a car, I am going to have to rely on my husband and I know he resents it, its like he lived with my panic and crying for a year and "now this!" He pretty much ignored it and sometimes got angry but for the most part he did not help and I know he really could not because he does not understand, but now its a different tune, he just cannot shut the door and wait for the panic atttack to be over and ignore it, now he has to drive me to several appts, take off work, jepordize his job, and take care of me after the surgery, and I know he is NOT up to it, and that scares me, I feel so alone and dependent and so very scared.

I am praying for the courage and strength to pick up the phone and go to these numerous appts, the ENT was SO hard, and it was bad news, I fear with all these tests they will find something else wrong, my Uncle was sleeping a lot and no energy, just like me and he had to have a triple by-pass operation, I fear my constant tiredness could be that, fear breeds fear, everyday I feel like I am dying, like the life is draining out of me and I so want to be healthy again, I only wish that before they found this polyp in my throat I had recovered from panic and depression, going into too surgery mentally sick is going to be hard, and then I feel I will not make it like my Mom, I need help I know, badly, I just do not know where too turn, I have no family here and my husband is reacting with anger and drinking more, he hates when I am sick, he could not handle the panic how in the heck is he going to handle something serious? He use to be my rock and now he is not, I know I have to be my own rock, all I want to do is sleep sleep sleep that is the only time I am at peace. Am I getting worse? I am so scared.

I am sorry I dont have more positive news, this surgery thing has knocked me down flat and I dont think I am strong enough to handle it, my husband said "you will never pass pre-op with your blood presssure and panic" but I cant let this thing on my vocal cords grow and get worse and it might be serious. Somehow someway I must get the courage, I am so weak and tired.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 373

Hi Debora:

I was wondering how your Easter was. I hope that it was a good one. We had a super day yesterday. We went out for brunch with both my family and my husband's family. After that, I thought that we were going to an old friends house to play games and maybe to have a little dessert. We ended up having so much fun that we stayed for dinner with them. The kids and the grownups played soccer outside which was much more fun than I expected it to be. It was definitely my favorite Easter that I can remember. Everyone was happy.

I've been a little dizzy today - can't figure out why. Please don't feel badly for me. It isn't painful and it is just a nuisance. Some days are better than others. I could be tired today - it was a long and fun weekend. Work was a little stressful on Friday and sort of challenging today. I can only guess that might be the reason for the dizziness.

I think it's good that you were able to make that discovery about when you feel calm. You know, I think that is a big part of the reason that the program has us practice relaxation exercises. It's important to remember what being calm and relaxed feels like.

Hope this message finds you well.

Carmie

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Hi Carmie,

Please do not worry I knew what you meant. Everything you have always wrote me has been positive and encouraging and very helpful. I was just thinking if I did the things you and Josie suggested I could distract, anything to NOT think about the up coming surgery, I think I am in denial now or something I just do not want to think about it at least not this weekend, its Easter and I would like too enjoy it, its my favorite holiday, I want too be strong enough to cook and make it nice for my family.

I really felt your pain when you said how you had to hold on too things when you were dizzy, I felt so bad for you reading that, but when you wrote you accept it as a symptom of anxiety and can somehow work through it that made me feel better for you.

I was reading my post from early early this morning, I almost sounded calm, for some strange reason late late at night or in the wee hours of the morning I feel better, not perfect but almost "normal" maybe because I know I am going to bed soon.

I woke this morning with some bad symptoms I am trying to work through now even as I write, my nose was bleeding this morning?! I never have nosebleeds, everything else under the sun but not that, and I am worried, do you think it was because of the scope I had Monday at the ENT? would that happen five days later? it seemed to have tapered off now, but I am having a severe pain in my upper back where my lung is, I am hoping its just a pulled muscle, and my vision is blurry, its SO hard to distinguish between what is physcial or anxiety? I cant tell anymore, I do know that the "nacous butterfly feeling" I wake up to everyday is anxiety, it helps to know its anxiety but still bothers me, I try to work thru it the best that I can.

My nurse wants me to increase my klonopin, I SO do not want to do this, but if it means more calmness and less panic and crying maybe I should, I just so do not want to get addicted, I am probably dependent and tolerent on it right now, it never takes it away but takes the edge off, but I want to be able to do that myself without medicine, you cant take it for life I guess.

Monday I am going to somehow have to start to make appts for pre-op and that will be hard, a part of me just wants it "to go away" surgery is so extreme, and I fear the results, I am going to leave it in God's hands for now. And try too be strong.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 373

I realized that I miswrote something - I meant to say that you should not accept that your negative thoughts are going to stay with you forever. I can always tell how strong you are from your posts.

One last thing, I have definitely spent days being dizzy and needing to hold onto things to keep myself standing. It used to scare me but now I accept it as a symptom of my anxiety - now I just find it super annoying and whenever possible I try to change that - sometimes I can't though so I live with the dizziness like I live with the hiccups - harmless, but irritating.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 373

Good morning, Debora,

I wanted to share that I'm not really suggesting that you distract yourself from your fears. I just think it would be good to dedicate some time to thinking about your hopes and your vision for yourself. To think about how much you love your family and how wonderful it will be when you are both happy and healthy again.

I think that you have suffered so much in the past year and you deserve to pamper yourself. So, something else to consider is how you might like to do that. We created a little discussion board under relaxation about self-nurturing activities.

The trickier part of acceptance is knowing what we do and don't have to accept. I firmly believe that you don't have to accept that your negative thoughts are not in your head to stay. You will eventually find a way to serve them their eviction notice. In the meanwhile, it is my sincere hope that you find joy in Easter with your family and you find a little something that you are thankful for and you make a little room for peace and happiness in your heart.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Thank You Josie,

I did check out the sister site and it was very informative just like this site. I understand what you and Carmie and Sunny are trying to convey to me I think, what I need to do is "distract" myself from my fears of the future and the surgery and my health problems etc.... that is proving to be more hard than I thought, probably the bodily symptoms contribute to that, all my worrying has caused a state of exhaustion for me, I feel I could sleep 20 hours a day if I could and I know that is the number one symptom of depression, if I could just somehow change my thinking my life would be better I know and too get rid of the fear of the future, life without fear is a good life, but as I get older things will happen and peri-menopause is not helping it.

The surgery does scare me, because of course my Mother died that way and I had bad problems after a gall bladder surgery twenty years ago when I was pretty healthy and fit, and going to the pre-op appts will be hard because of the agorophobia, and then my fear is when they do all these tests they will "find something else wrong" if I could just push these horrible fears from my mind I know life would be easier, I know you are not really living when always scared, I realize what my problem is and how its hurting me I just need to figure out HOW to correct it and why I feel this way. Hopefully with more time and work this will come to be, I do know one thing I love my family and do not want too leave them and I want to be happy and healthy again, even just healthy I would settle for. I have too keep trying. Where there is life there is hope, I have to believe that.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 12049

Debora,

Yes.. please take a look at our sister site and use the program as well. Like this program it was designed by doctors and it can help you progress and get a better understanding of what is happening.

You have to have surgery, so let's move forward from there. I like what Carmie suggested...how about getting your hair done or your nails, perhaps a pedicure. Take time to pamper yourself, you are worth it.

Have you journaled or used the mood tracker in our sister site?

Do you feel better and more positive after you have posted with us?

Both forms of writing are very therapeutic and can help you feel more uplifted.

We are always here to shed some light for you, so let the sun shine in my friend.

Josie, Health Educator

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