hi Sea,
Boy do I remember feeling exactly how you do, I can't count the number of times I've made a doctor's appt, only to either cancel it or just not show up... At times I would drive there, and park, but never get out of my car. ..I tried and tried to get myself there, but all my worrying and anticipatory anxiety wore me out. It was just a lot easier than facing a doctor. As soon as I canceled I felt such glorious relief! And exhaustion.
But, the inevitable happened... I had such severe pains that I thought I was dying....don't get me wrong...I didn't even go to a doctor then... I just went to bed with lots of Tylenol 3's (a stash I had from years ago) and a heating pad..that's how severe my fear of seeing a doctor was. I was more terified of going to a doctor than severe pain.
Anyhow, since that time I have found this program, and learnt how to use the coping skills, and learning about my negative core beliefs has helped me so much. I now have my own doctor, I see her regularily, and am getting the needed tests done. Tomorrow, I am having an abdominal utrasound. I am not in the least bit worried about having it done..sure, I wonder what the results are going to be..and I hope for the best, but 6 months ago I probably would not have been able to make it to the clinic. I used to be afraid of taking any medications, but not anymore. I think maybe if I had something to calm me down before seeing a doctor I would have gone a long time before I did.
I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
Someone gave me this idea once, and I think its a good one. Everyone has email today...look at us here....can you send off an email to the doctor before your appointment, and let them have a go over it, explaining your anticipatory anxiety /panic? then there will be no surprises, and you won't be expected to do something you don't want to.
just a thought. Like I've said before, and hope to say again...ha...I'm living proof that this can be beat...so you can beat it too!!
Juanita