Hi Everyone,
I had posted that it had been a very stressful hectic disturbing week. My son told his teacher things about his family life and some were not even true! He is special-needs so I understand, they want us to have a meeting, and see a "behavioral specilist" that comes to the home, I think he is upset because his Dad is never home, works 12 hour days and is totally exhausted and spent out when he is home, and my anxiety is bothering him too, I do NOT want outsiders to know about this, I tried therapy for one year and it was unhelpful and hurtful, I do not want anyone so called "qualified" to make it worse like it did before.
Also we are refinancing our house, with the high homeowners are mortgage payment would be almost a thousand a month, I actually set it up, I did not know I would have to travel to a notary and witnesses, its over our neighbor's house but I am SO afraid I will humilate myself in front of them and the notary, I guess if I get shaky I could leave and run home, I think I made a mistake doing this, its caused more stress on me and my husband, I thought we could save money but its turning sour fast.
My husband said "if you are nervous and scared to even go to a neighbors house how are you ever going to manage a doctor, GYN and dentist appt"?? That is a very good question, how am I? The thought of our neighbors seeing me panicky and scared would mortify me and make my husband mad, I wish I could stop this but I cannot, somehow I must get through it, I am fighting a cold and my monthly is due any second now, and its my worst time. Its strange I was feeling better, and I got the "cancer" fears somewhat out of my head, I have to do this business transaction I just hope I can and not make a fool of myself, I do not think I am ever going to be able to go to the GYN or dentist if I fear going a few blocks away? I hate agorophobia. I so do not want to backslide. I am going to try to do this and hope and pray in the near future I can go to the doctor, but my husband said "doctors never helped you Deb" and he is right I walk out feeling worse than I walked in.
Do you think maybe I should just "accept" living like this? Just hoping it will decrease" When I was younger I had hope now that I am older I don't know? I should of obtained more wisdom and strength as I age my friend says, not more fear and acting like a child. I was hoping that would be. I keep hanging on to all you're words and compassion, my wonderful friends here, Sunny said "Deb you will feel better by spring" and Carmie said "this is not permanant" I hang on to those sentences and that gives me hope along with everyone else on this site that worked it and got better, how I pray I can be one of you.
