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12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 373

Debora,

I hope this morning greeted you more warmly than yesterday. The podcast that I listen to can be found if you search under Progressive Muscle Relaxation and Talaria.

I definitely think the best course is to keep things simple and focus on the one suggestion that Davit made when you are able.

I might have said this before but my anxiety reminds me so much of our new car. It is very sensitive and alarm lights go off often on it. I think that my body is like this. I feel unusual sensations and alarms go off. It's always because of something I read or something bad that happened to someone I know. I keep my mental backpack filled with positive thoughts to turn to when the alarms go off.

I had a great run today - so much nicer than the tough one on Friday. I'm resolved to enjoy the rest of this Sunday and hope the same for you!

Peace Debora!

Carmie

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Hi Carmie,

My son was on the computer for a long while tonight, I took a long nap, crying a lot wears me out so I just slept, it helped a little my eyes are so tired. I dont have a IPod but my son does I will try too find those PMR exercises if they helped you perhaps they can help me thank you. One thing you said in you're post I am going too try too take to bed with me tonight, it was a comforting thing you said Carmie, you said "the way you feel is not permanent" that was a comfort too read, I started having all these scary thoughts about it being permanent again, I am going to keep repeating that over and over to myself "its not permanent" when you said that it made me have some hope again for the future and some faith, you are a good kind friend.

I hope you enjoy the popcorn and hot chocolate davit, and I will work harder on changing my thoughts I know its the key to recovery and I have not been doing it well, I let the fear overide it. That is how CBT works I imagine changing those thoughts!

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Correction to my post:

Doing this one simple thing (changing thoughts) is how I got better.

But then I believe that is how CBT works.

Snowing like crazy, I think I will spend some time playing in it. We are going to be snow bound, Hot Chocolate and a roaring fire, a few DVDs and popcorn sounds good right now.

Davit.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 373

You don't sound terrible at all. You sound like I do during my difficult times and I remember now that sometimes I would be simply too tired to ask questions. During those times, I focused more on PMR and listening to relaxing music and drinking tea and just trying to calm down. Do you think that's possible? Do you have an ipod? Because I found the most wonderful free podcast that had Progressive Muscle Relaxation. When I had the strep and I was scared and anxious and feeling tired and awful - I listened to that quite a bit. What do you think? Would that help?

So sorry about tonight and please don't think that this is permanent. You sound like you've just had a super hard week. I believe in you - just like I believe in me - I know we go through a lot of the very same things. You can get through this.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

I am trying Carmie its very hard today but I am trying. I just had a big panic attack and I can barely function. I dont know why this is happening again too me? I must ignore the bodily symptoms, I must I must, its just so hard today, the fear seems to take over any rational thinking, I have two voices inside my head one says "its just stress and anxiety you are fine" and the other is "something is terribly wrong you are dying" I have to listen too the rational one, if my tummy would stop hurting I know I would be better, I am sorry Carmie to go on like this I must sound terrible.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 373

Be sure to keep us posted, Debora - I would echo what Davit has said. Try one thing at a time - and his idea about working to change your reaction to physical symptoms is a great one. It's something that I am doing as well!

I'm off to go swimming outside - Maine has some neat heated outdoor pools where you can enter from inside and as along as you stay in the water...you are warm. Wish us luck!

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

Hi Davit,

Thank you for writing me back. I read you're post three times and I understand what you are saying. I hope you made it too the store, I remember those snow drifts from living in Ohio for twenty years, I miss it around the holidays, snow is calming for me. but I know its also a pain in the butt at times, spring is coming soon and I hope it comes soon for you and Sunny and the kids.

You really get what I was saying. My therapist is the "polar opposite" from you'res I think, he is way too lenient on me, in fact I feel at times he has "given up" my husband says he just comes for the money, I pay a small co-pay but he gets the most from the insurance co, after a year I really hoped and prayed progress would of been better, but like you said no one can "fix me" maybe subconsiously I was hoping that would be and that is not going to be. I was hoping that as I worked through the CBT I could wean off the klonopin, my medication does not do too much, it takes the edge off but far from a cure, I detest taking it but better a little sedation and tolerance than shaking and fear, I try to keep the dose low, if I took what my nurse wanted I would not be able to function or get out of bed! and as you know I cannot take the antidepressants, so CBT and positive thinking is my only hope, and I am trying to believe in it Davit, I really am, maybe I just do not believe in myself.

What you said about the panic cycle is so true, I have to believe these symptoms are not going to kill me and even if I am dying my attitude towards it, I mean believe me I think about that all the time, if I do not have long to live I certainly do NOT want to live my remaining days like this, fearful housebound and living in a cocoon, that of all things really upsets me the most, that I am "wasting" precious moments, I mean how can you enjoy life if all you think about is sickness and dying, thats not living is it? I was getting better now I feel like I am going down again, and I am trying like heck not too let that happen Davit.

The last paragraph of you're post really hit home, I will try to do this one simple thing Davit I really will, I know its not going to be easy but if its my only hope I must do it, its hard to tell what is physical or emotional, I just want to forget about it all!!

I pray you're staph infection does not come back. My grandmother suffered many of those infections and she lived to 90! She was so strong so tough, she was racked with pain and arthiritis and heart problems but she kept going, how I wish I could of inherited her brave strong ways. I will believe in CBT davit, and I know I have too start to believe in myself. Thank you.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Debora.

The driveway is drifted in and we are going to get 6 inchs of snow today. We have to go to the store so I will do this thing. I'll do this thing even though I would rather do something else. This is just a fact of living in the country. Our choice to live here. But the thing is that we really like the snow and we have had years with a lot more of it. Last year at this time the driveway was a tunnel. See a person can find something good in most things and if not then they are just best accepted as the way it is. Life sucks sometimes but the alternative is worse and I know people worse off than me.

I do not think you would have liked my Therapist. I might not have stayed with her if I had of had a choice. But I didn't and soon learned that all the things she said that I didn't like were good for me. After all at that time I did not know what was needed to cure me. She was tough love all the way with a "you can't win them all so don't worry over those who don't try" attitude.

She said this was for her own preservation and I believe that to be true.

She gave me all the information I needed but it was clear from the start that I had to use this information and do the work for myself. It was hard and lots of times I did not like what she said about me. I soon saw that I was blind to what I was doing and needed it pointed out and also needed to stop doing it. Some sessions went like this. "you are still doing it" "don't try to change the subject, why are you still doing it". I'd answer because I can't stop. "then you are not trying hard enough". "you have to do this thing". That out of the way she would give me information or revue last sessions information to make sure I understood it.

Always pushing me in the right direction. The last year was only interesting information so I could understand more the ins and outs of this condition. It has many faces and I find it interesting.

Debora. You are still looking for someone or something to fix you. And you are right, if you don't believe then it won't work.

Even if you were dying, even if the symptoms are not normal, your attitude to it dictates how you live each day. Take me, I have consistent pain every day and I don't know if the staph infection will win but I am not going to let those things dictate my life. I believe I can still be happy even if I am dying.

Lets be honest here. Most people do not recover in a few months, some never do. But for most of those that CBT does not work for it is because they don't let it. For them medication is now more than a bandaid, it is a fact of life. I have two cousins who are on meds because they are happy on meds and don't want to be bothered doing CBT. I have a friend here also who is happy on meds and isn't seeing her therapist anymore.

A year is nothing if you are having trouble grasping how CBT works and If you have trouble believing.

There are three sides to the panic triangle all related. In your case because your trigger is physical you can not do anything about it. (just like my pain) What you can do is change how you think about it, just as I do. This in turn affects the other two corners of the triangle. It reduces the symptoms and the reaction to the symptoms.

Davit.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

I hope you are still online Davit I forgot to add one thing and I think you will relate because you told me you had extensive therapy and you had the good fortune too find a good one which is great you said he helped you and you were happy with him.

When this first started a year ago, I visited my primary, she was a woman and I like her, unfortunately she left the county so I cannot see or talk too her anymore, I remember it like it was yesterday, she said "You do NOT have too live this way, with a good therapist and perhaps meds you will be as good as new" Well Davit I did that I found a therapist and I increased the Klonopin {under my nurse-practioner guidance of course} and what she said did not happen, I am still not well and still living in fear, I thought I did everything right, took my meds and therapy once a week I was so hoping she was right about that.

I think what holding me back in CBT is I am "not believing it" does that make sense" like I try too tell myself "deb you are alright you are not dying these symptoms are normal" but maybe my brain is not believing it , does that make sense Davit? I know for something to work you must have faith, and I do because I have read so many wonderful things about CBT, a few negative things but thats the exception 95% of the time its positive feedback about it, I do not want to be in the tiny minority that is does not work for, I cannot take the antidepressants as you know, they sent me to the hospital so CBT and klonopin is all I have, along with prayer. Isn't a year a long time for a breakdown too continue? Most people recover in a few months.

I am sorry I am just so confused. I want to get better so badly, if my body could just LET GO of the fear and worry, let go and let God they say, maybe I have not let it go completely. Does any of this make sense, is it just me? I so want to be happy and at peace again.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 542

What a great way of looking at it Davit. I have to stop looking for the symptoms and fear and worry when that happens I will enjoy life and feel better so wanting the day it will just happen. And I have to adapt a more positive attitude towards life.

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