Thanks for the encouragement, Davit.
I do feel I am getting better as well. I have had a good last 3 days. I know it's not always going to be this easy, but I do feel eventually I will have more good days and/or weeks than bad ones.
In the past when I had either stopped my meds or had bad setbacks with panic and depression, I always remember it not being easy. But that brings me back to things that scare me or anyone. You never want to think the bad is going to happen again, but once you have had the bad times you still remember them, which makes any downturn feel like you might be headed that way, again. And that brings me back to what you said about wanting to know if the anxiety is still there. I just always thought I was doing this to myself on purpose, as a kinf of self torment. But I guess we often test ourselves to see what we are made of. I don't like the insecurity of that aspect, but like you say, anxiety is neccesary for survival. Each of us have it built within us.
The runaway anxiety has been lessening. I probably don't give myself enough credit about it. But I have been able to go into several stores without incident, where just a few weeks ago just going into a 7-11 was difficult. Now I have been in large shopping stores and been fine. I do have my shaky times where I avoid them, but more often than not I have been able to conquer this aspect.
Got a little aggrivated yesterday. We went to visit my Mother (Step Mom, my father's second wife, but my Mother since I was 14). The aggrivating part was my step brother, who has moved back home to my Mother's house since my Father died in 2008 (3 years ago from yesterday). There was a moment where my brother used bad language outloud and I told my brother he should not do that in Mom's presence (something my father also would have told him). My brother got defensive, but I stood my ground because I was brought up being taught not to use bad language around women.
Then I brought up the fact that I had my brakes fixed in my car and he asked me how much I paid, and he said he could have done it for 1/3 of the cost. This only aggrivated me more people he is all talk and my car probably would have been in worse shape than before he got his hands on it. He has a history of saying he is going to fix our cars, but never does it. He had done it to my Father on a number of occassions.
So these things aggrivated my a bit. It's not the same anyone going to visit my mother with him being there. My wife and I enjoy her company but he is always there now. He's basically mooching off Mom. But he did finally get a job.
David
