I was driving home from work last week and realized something. I joined the depression site about a week and a half or two weeks ago.
For many years, there are periods when having to leave my house is a gut wrentching decision. This the putting my finger on something moment, when I had and I hate the work breakdown at work. But that is what it was, I walked into the department I supervised and felt like my body was breaking into tiny bits and landing on the floor. It was scary and I just crumbled emotionally and had to leave the building.
The next day I went back to work add anti depressants and the first few days I walked into the building I had problems breathing and was very uncomfortable mentally. From that day forward for a few years, I only went to work and then came home. I didn't stop anywhere along the way and was a hermit. My mom couldn't understand it and would say what if you took an art class or something that interested me to get out of the house. All I could say is "I can't", I could never explain it. My life those years consisted spending all my time online in chatrooms or emailing with people I met online.
At some point, things changed and I was leaving the house. I flew to Winnipeg two times for Christmas to be with a nice couple I met online. I even flew out to meet someone on a weekend. There were two trips to Sault St.Marie which is 1000 Km from Montreal, which I did on a friday after work. The first time not realizing that after Ottawa the 401 becomes a two lane highway most of the way.
Anyway back to the point, then I met my partner online we talked for a month with email and on the phone. We met in person and for three months I drove the 3 hours to see her every weekend. I quite my job and then moved to be with her, we have been together ever since.
So I seem to go through episodes of having to leave the house. For awhile when I moved to Kingston, I was okay. Then it will start again. I don't have physical things going on, like problems breathing or shaking or what alot of people mention here.
It is just a gut wrenching internal struggle, I have no words for what I am feeling. Which might be why my doctor didn't think much of it because I get to work almost everyday.
But if I know I have to be out to do something, I am constantly thinking of things. There is a women's art festival in August my partner is a vendor, I go because she needs does not drive and there is alot of stuff. I had booked off the Monday because I was going to be out all day Sunday. It is very bizarre and my thinking is I will still have my two days at home. We were rained out and I still took the Monday off because we were going then not going. It was a nightmare for me till 11am, when she finally said "No we are not going".
When we have been out I have a great time and say we have to do this again. Then it is the struggle all over again, it is damn tiring emotionally.
But I put my finger on when it started......
