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Negative Core Beliefs - Part II

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Negative Core Beliefs - Part II

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

I will read and re-read this one too. Thanks.

Its funny you said you like my posts. I think i have always been an analytical person, needing to know why for things other people accepted without stopping and questioning. this has good and bad - it has made me curious about the world and is part of my love of learning. it also has created a habit of analyzing people's behaviours when sometimse i need to say "so what" :)

i have gotten in 'trouble' for asking why, or for being too analytical throughout my life. i am able to make the room go silent sometimes in the mdidle of a converstaion because i say something too blutly or honestly or i speak something i believe that isn't status quo. so its funny you commented positively on my posts because often i've been told to stop analyzing so much. iguess by people who don't want me to do it around them.

it seems to be about timing with people as well as whether they are an apple or orange. I have this example that happened recently. A while ago I was talking to a friend and said that sometimes my family would start a board game after supper but i wasn't asked to play. my friend said "sounds like they are #$@#'s" and i was like, yeah, you hit the nail on the head there. it wasn't my fault they were so ignorant or insensitive. The way she said it made me feel validated, like "those jerks" sort of thing.

So then, a couple weeks ago I had a friend who was describing a relative who wasn't being very considerate of her at all, and I said the same thing my friend had said to me to make me feel better about it. "this person kinda sounds like an $@#$%" and she didn't react and hasn't called me since. now i don't know if that comment bothered her or not, but when it was said to me, i was ready to hear it and it was music to my ears that someone validated my feelings. She had been complaining about the person for several minutes so I thought i was pointing out it was that person, not her. apparently i did not succeed.

But i guess the friend i said it to didn't want to hear it because she definitely didn't seem to feel validated which was what i was tryingto say - that she deserved to be treated better by her family member.

I worry about being too blunt here, or getting misunderstood, or just too off topic sometimes. I want people to tell me if I have hurt their feelings or asked something of them they don't want to do. I want to be myself but not at the expense of anyone else. Sometimes in my posts I don't know if I use the right words to be supportive of others.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

loves trees

I should change my name to loves posts. I love yours especially, they make me dig in my brain box and that is good reinforcement for me, sort of like exposure.

Negative thoughts! You would not have them if you did not have a negative core belief to grow them on. They will not grow on positive ones. And again remember core beliefs and emotions are tied together. The only reason you can not be your self around this person is because you think you can't. Why can't you be yourself. Two truths here. You have a problem with something. Nothing you can do about that at the moment other than to work on it. Second truth, An insensitive response was the only response this person thought they could make. Possibly because they did not understand the situation. Neither did you have control of. Now a couple of possible negative core beliefs here to think about. 1, you believe you always have to have an answer. 2 you believe people are always insensitive to you. 3 you believe no one will accept you for who you are. 4 you believe you are so different that no one can accept you. All negative core beliefs and maybe not yours at all but you can build negative thought on any of them or what ever one you actually have if these are not relevant. The point is you can also destroy them by building positive thoughts on them. Simply by looking at them and saying. "I don't know where I got that idea, it is not true." There are people that are so different from you that you will never fit. You need to build a positive core belief that says "it does not matter"

You can be your authentic self and interact with others if you accept that it doesn't matter if they do not see who you are. Who is your authentic self? I think you are compounding things with your negative thoughts. Getting mad has caused you to slip from your authentic self, and slipping from your authentic self has made you mad. round and round in a circle till you get dizzy and your head explodes. With each turn you add another negative thought based on a negative belief. Now if you had some positive ones to grow positive thought on this would not have happened. Like, She likes me she just doesn't understand, or it does not matter that I am not understood. Or I like me that is all that matters. Or I can still be me ( an orange ) in a crowd of people that are not me. ( apples ) It is a matter of emotions and attitude. It is perception of the situation. Where do your negative core beliefs stem from? Is there any truth to them? Not likely or they would not be negative beliefs. And if there is any truth to them, there is always the great equalizer positive core belief, "so what".

Hope this helps.

Here for you

Davit

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

I searched old posts tonight regarding 'emotions' because i am struggling with negative core beliefs. This thread has so much useful information I am replying to it here with hopes it gets picked up again by others who joined recently like me.

I do not know which negative core beliefs came up tonight but some did unfortunately and i got sucked in.

I'm not sure which are negative thoughts and which are negative core beliefs. I started feeling angry towards someone who said something insensitve to me in response to something I said I had problems with. and maybe the core belief was "i'll never be able to be my authentic self around this person". or maybe that is just another negative thought. i had dozens of negative thoughts tonigth. they avalanche once my emotions start to feel they will overwhelm me. its just neg. thought after neg. though once that overwhelming feeling takes hold.

before this program, each negative thought would make me feel really bad, angry, sad or enraged even. tonight i endured the thoughts a bit more, it was miserable having to have those thoughts, and not be able to stop the avalance of negative thoughts but i managed to stay with myself more than before and not react emotionally and aggressively to each thought like i have in the past. does this make sense to anyone? like i'll start feeling panicked, and then i'll have a negative thought "she doesn't really like me" and then i'll get really upset because she doesn't like me. then i'll have another negative thought and react emotionally to that, and another and another and so on. and react with anger or sadness to each one. which is draining and the whole reason i am here is to stop these episodes.

i have lots of work to do still.

I'm going to try the mirror idea given by Davit in this thread. Anyone else doing this or wanting to try it? i am sure i am going to feel self conscious the first time i do it tomorrow.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1071

Thank you Davit for your insight. You make perfect sense and I can relate to the knitting analogy. I am going to do the mirror reinforcement. I'm glad when I can't see outside of my situation, that you are there looking in from the outside and can help me see what you see. If that makes sense. I truly appreciate you more than mere words can express.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Shari.

This is important and I hope it will make sense. It is not that the kids made you feel not good enough, it is that you believed it was true. This believing set off emotions (sadness, anger, disappointment, probably a few more.) So now every time one of these emotions crops up you automatically associate it with the thought that you were not good enough.

Now I am going to use a knitting analogy here. You have a piece nearly finished when you discover there is a mistake. Every time you look at the Piece. (You) you see the mistake. You can cover it but you know it is still there. So how do you fix it. Well you have to go back unravelling it till you get to the mistake and then and only them can you make the repair and finish the piece the way it should be. You have to unravel you, all the way back to the mistake, you can't just go to the mistake and fix it. You have to deal with all the emotions it caused first. The sadness the anger and what ever else you may be feeling because of it.

Start by picking up a pet and telling it that "I was wrong, I do not need to be sad because those children made me feel not good enough" Remember this is you, not them. It is you thinking this not them making you feel this. Every thing has to be in the first person singular here. I,I,I, I did this. I am the one that has to change not the situation, The situation is in the past. Not they were wrong but I was wrong to believe it. I again. I have to change, the cause can not.

You have to be able to let go of all the negative emotions the situation caused. You have to believe. There is that word again. I believe!. You are good enough, you always were, so be happy and let all the negative emotions go. Think happy, laugh, smile, but above all believe.

For reinforcement look in a mirror three times a day, ( or every time you see one and tell yourself three times that "I believe I was and am good enough, I (not they) was wrong.

Good luck,

Here for you.

Davit.

Ps This looking in a mirror thing is a proven thing and was discovered by a man in the year 1900 and I would have to look to find his name but it is proven to reverse negative thoughts. It forces you to look at yourself as you say it. It forces you to believe it. If you can not look yourself in the eye and believe it you never will.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1071

I just had a break through from reading everyone's post on this thread. The reason I know it's a break through is, because I can't stop crying. They are tears of healing and it just touched a nerve. Maybe this is my strongest negative core belief. I learned early on from kids at school and other people, that I was not good enough and I didn't know why. I just wanted to belong like everyone else. I believe one of my behaviors today is trying to compensate for that and it might be another issue as well. I think the reason why pets are so important to me, is because they just love you and I've had a lot of pets, because I'm trying to buy love, that I couldn't get from people. It also may stem from not having control. My parents wouldn't let me have pets and as an I adult I decided I could have as many as I want. I feel really vulnerable right now and exposed. I know I could keep this to myself, but maybe it will help someone else. I know have learned another thing, that I subconsiouly married my first husband, to constantly reinforce that I wasn't good enough. He was really good at that. And, one day I stood up for myself and kicked him out, because I didn't want to be treated like that anymore and I didn't want my daughter to think that it is okay for someone to treat her like that. I didn't want her to repeat the cycle. I didn't see it then. How could I have been so mean to myself to allow someone to do that to me. I just didn't know. It's a shocking revelation. Well, I need to get myself together. I'm shaky and I'm trying not to focus on my breathing. I can handle this I have my coping skills and I will be alright. Thanks for listening.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 659

Davit,

Thanks for the input.

I agree the best way to deal with them is one at a time as they come up. Now that I am aware of them it gives me a better understanding of myself and my reaction to certain situations. So if I think about it that way than I can challenge these negative core beliefs and not let them spoil my life. We all have negative and positive core beliefs and I will try to concentrate on holding on to the positive ones and discarding the negative one for now. I am also going to try to challenge the negative ones when possible with exposure therapy. This should help with my feeling of self worth and improve my self esteem. Figuring out who you are and how you got there and making changes where necessary does take time and effort. I only wish

I had started working on it when I was a little younger. Even so I think it all has become much clearer to me as I have gotten older. I now have the time to reflect on my life that I didn't have when I was younger. I think this is something we do as we get older.

Your friend,

Red

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

Red.

I am dealing with my core beliefs the same way I deal with weeds in my Garden. One row at a time. Same as I do with the emotions. One at a time. What really helped with the emotions was forgiving everyone who ever hurt me, unconditionally and I found this took a big bite out of my negative core beliefs. Some of the people that influenced my beliefs are dead so I can't go to them and say,"you did this to me" All I can say is, "I don't know why you hurt me but I forgive you." See, no reason to ever visit there again, gone, poof, no more. Well some aren't quite that easy, some I had to find a reason to forgive. Hardest person to forgive has been me. It's OK that I didn't go down this or that road, it doesn't matter. I'm alive and I can be happy just by smiling and concentrating on being happy. And I am happy. In pain yes but happy, and some times it over rides the pain for a while. Red you may find some of your negative beliefs are related and those are the ones I would work on first because changing them first will leave a big hole in them to be happy in and work on the rest from.

One of mine was that people don't like me. Did I have any proof, NO. Why did I think this. Many years ago I didn't fit in. The problem was I was trying to fit my brothers shoes and couldn't because we just are not the same. Now I am me and just being some one concrete instead of some one flighty has given people something to hold on too. And people do like me, not all people, I have stepped on some peoples toes in the past and it is up to them to forgive or not. It is up to me to say sorry and move on, just like it is up to me to forgive. I will always carry a little baggage because some people are just impossible to like. Those I will just have to set aside so they can not colour how I look at the rest of the world and life. And believe me negative people can influence how you act and how you feel. Don't let them. But don't be mad at them they may not know they do it, It may be a negative core belief they have been living with all their life.

Nothing is too big to do if you do it a little at a time and get help from your friends and I for one am your friend. Lean on me and vent or just comment, I will be here listening.

Davit.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 659

I am finding negative core beliefs are a real problem for me and they are really hard to face and deal with. I have so many and just thinking about them can cause a lot of anxiety. I never realized before that they are at the heart of my problems. I am not quite sure how to approach them without causing myself a lot of anxiety/panic and worst of all depression even tho the are already giving me a lot of grief. I do think they are something I need to face and challenge and then bury them once and for all so that I can move forward with my life in positive way. I am just not sure how to do that?? The fear of facing my demons can be paralyzing!

Red

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 517

I write that I'm a perfectionist now, but I didn't know this until my anxiety disorder started. I never thought I was... or ever really cared to know until I read books about my anxiety and the definition of perfectionist suited me. I also realized that there was a part of me that always gave up in many things because I was always afraid of making a fool out of myself or making a mistake. My mentality became 'why do it at all'. As far back as I can remember, I always stopped myself from believing in miracles and 'impossible' things and tried to keep myself on the 'ground'. I always stopped myself before a challenge. So my goals were limited and I never really reached high. I think this all comes from how I was always afraid to make a mistake and look a fool. I think this thinking developed from watching my mother and sibling argue all the time, i made a mental note to never act like sibling and never anger mother. And developed many tactics to avoid these 'foolish mistakes'. Eventually this tactic became "the things I should do/be" and not what I am. So it's a battle between the "shoulds" and the "just bes". And then after doing the "shoulds" all my life and still making "mistakes" it becomes scary to choose which paths to take. Start to use the head more and be more serious, yup as we grow older so we can be smarter the next time. I realize and analyze all this now, having anxiety but before, I never had much consciouness on my choices, so I can be wrong of what my true intentions really were then. Being happy was always scary for me too because it i would think would be painful when it ended. I don't know if i thought i didn't deserve to be happy but i know there was a lot of times i wanted more for myself and things were never enough... I always compared and grasses were greener every where else. .. There are times when this is hard to believe but I realized finally that happiness comes from within.

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Negative Core Beliefs - Part II