Get the Support You Need

Learn from thousands of users who have made their way through our courses. Need help getting started? Watch this short video.

today's top discussions:

logo

Addiction

Lynn123

2024-03-27 3:02 PM

Managing Drinking Community

logo

New Year's Resolutions

Ashley -> Health Educator

2024-03-25 2:47 AM

Managing Drinking Community

logo

Water

Ashley -> Health Educator

2024-03-17 5:24 PM

Healthy Weight Community

logo

What motivates you?

Ashley -> Health Educator

2024-03-10 10:30 PM

Quit Smoking Community

This Month’s Leaders:

Most Supportive

DM555 3 3

Browse through 411.742 posts in 47.053 threads.

160,431 Members

Please welcome our newest members: Jgorilla, anna13, CCaballero, JJAY EVANGEL, VKATE DARLENE

Negative Core Beliefs - Part II


13 years ago 0 11210 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Angst,
 
Thank you for your honest reply.  It can be scary to change your whole way of interacting with people.  Know that it is normal and like loves trees says it does get easier.  Just stick with it and keep challenging yourself. You deserve this.
 
 

Ashley, Health Educator
13 years ago 0 356 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hi Angst,
I've been there too - and still am in some ways although not all the time. For a period in my life (while i was asleep) I had several people in my life who expected too much from me, and surprise surprise these people were never there for me when I needed them. But I didn't see that because I was focused on their expectations and needs. 
 
I did lose some people by becoming more assertive, but it was worth it because honestly we are all busy and can we afford to spend so much energy on people who resent us for having needs? That is unrealistic for them to do that, but they are out there, believe me I know.
 
I am now practicing assertiveness and finding that I do still feel anxious when I have to be assertive but the more I do it the better I become at stating what I need or expect without feeling bad. You will get better at it too. If I see the potential for a dispute with someone, I think about it more now before going into it. Maybe I don't have the energy so I avoid it for a day or two or more. I take care of myself for a day and go from there. 
 
I don't know about you but, taking care of myself (focusing on my own needs) instead of focusing on another person including trying to resolve a dispute with them, is hard!
 
I still have some people in my life I end up in conflict with and who challenge me and force me to be more assertive than I like to be. But I space out my interactions  iwth them. I find that when I step back to look at how they are behaving, I notice that they are also demanding that the dispute be resolved 'immediately'. The fact that I am off taking care of my own needs for a day or so doesn't sit well with them. But that doesn't matter to me anymore. 
 
It helps that I found a couple people (finally) who say "hooray" when I am taking care of myself rather than "stop it and pay attention to me" which is what I had for so long.
 
 I'm rooting for you! keep posting and keep at it. Becoming assertive does get easier.

13 years ago 0 4 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
The possibilities are good, but frightening at the same time. 

Good because now I know that if I change my communication style (from passive or passive aggressive) to assertive,  there is hope that I will get what I want instead of always letting everyone else have their way and stop people from walking all over me.  I like the idea that I have the right to  communicate my expectations and to know what the expectations of others are - before I was afraid to express my expectations (not fully understanding what they were b/c of core negative belief factor) and I was also afraid to find out what others expected of me b/c they usually expected too much.

Frightening because, going through the whole process requires that I pay attention (not sleep through it, which is basically what my anxiety did - kept me in the dark)  and the reality is scary, b/c a lot of my problems involve disputes (standing up for myself) but I now know how important it is to keep disputes in the negotiation phase, by communicating my position in the right way.  The possibility that I may not succeed in this effort scares me - 

I am glad to have the tools offered at this site and I will continue to work the program so that my panic attacks stop getting in the way of me achieving what is possible.
 
 
13 years ago 0 356 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hi Davit,
That is a good reminder. 


13 years ago 0 6252 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
loves trees

Sad is the only emotion that can be both negative or positive. When ever possible switch from anger to sad and then to acceptance if you can not make it all the way to happy. Sad is a good transition emotion. Sad is a very good emotion for getting rid of unwanted negative emotions. I think though that you have already discovered that.

Here for you
your friend 
Davit.
13 years ago 0 356 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hi Red,
Thanks for the encouragement. Yes, after a terrible weekend i am feeling better today and I like what you said that i need to rest between exposures. i agree. I am one of those people who try to do things all the time instead of rest. Resting is harder for me than going into doing mode. 
 
Monday I was still so upset, a lot of pain came up over the weekend. Past and present things making me upset. But today I have perspective again. and i have a new insight. Anger and sadness are separate. this is important because feeling angry has been something I've gone into panic about. If that makes sense. Staying with the anger, as so many books will direct, feels hard. But letting the anger go and remaining sad feels better. Sad is ok. It is possible I may always be a little sad about certain things in my life that didn't go well. Like my childhood. But the anger has got to go. It takes up space, so to speak, where my contentment could be sitting instead.
 
Thanks.

13 years ago 0 659 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
loves trees,
You have got the right idea.  Go easy on yourself and take your time working the program.  I have been coming here for about 20 months now.  It has taken me a long time to work the program and deal with my issues.  I started out in the depression center popping in and out for about a year.  Than I started working on my issues here with panic/anxiety and agoraphobia about 9 months ago. At first I started trying to work the program to fast and ran into some problems. Once I started to slow it down it got a lot better. It has been a slow process and very tiring at times.  I too get tired especially after a long fight with one of my negative core believes, even when I win. David calls it Rebound and I try to remember that when I am feeling this way. That it is just rebound and I will feel better in a few days.  I usually rest in between exposures and let myself relax for a while and give myself a chance to get used to and comfortable with the new thing I am now able to do.  Like drive myself without my safe person for instance. I will have to repeat this exposure again and again before I am really comfortable with it. So I will rest for a few days and do it again next week, until it doesn't cause me any anxiety any more.  I hope this analogy of mine helps you in some way.   You will get there it just takes time and you have to be very patient.  I know easier said than done!!!
 
Red
13 years ago 0 6252 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
For any one who has been looking for and at negative core beliefs. There is something interesting that belongs with it and has an effect on it.>Attachment theory<, I found wikipedia to be very good. Remember if you find yourself there, it is not the end of the world, the cure for panic and anxiety is still the same no matter who and how you are.

Here for you.
Davit.
13 years ago 0 356 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hi Sunny,
Thanks for your post. Your post got me thinking about the pace of  this recovery / healing. I am anxious about how quickly i should start to feel better and stop having attacks. 
I am going to practice the relaxation techniques more often this week. I have been trying to dig up negative core beliefs but that "work" leaves me tired and worn out and upset so I have to pace myself better I think. I tend to believe that nothing will happen unless i actively work at it. Yes I have been a workaholic at times.
Thanks for your reassurance. I'm gonig to remind myself that it takes time. 

13 years ago 0 11210 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Welcome Angst!
 
Now that you are awake what are the possibilities?
 
 
Ashley, Health Educator

Reading this thread: