Hi Ashley,
Thank you so much for the kind words. I have been driven most of my life to establish emotional health within myself and have tried all sorts of things to do that. This program is the best approach so far although many approaches have helped over the years in different smaller ways.
It is really nice to hear that you think I am insightful and self aware. i wish my partner said those things about me to me (without me asking, because then i'm prompting the answer). I am not sure I am being celebrated for being insightful and brave (which you have to be to look into yourself). My ability to see into myself (and now to talk more clearly about what i want and need thanks to the assertiveness that comes from managing the anxiety) isn't being cherished. I am up against someone who has their own set of negative core beliefs. Which prevent this person from expressing positivity towards me. I am often told I am attacking them when really I am just being assertive about what i want (for the first time ever). I admit I don't always say things in the right way with my new found voice. I want to be given time and forgivness. I apparenlty am wearing this person out. Unlike most of the people around us, I am challenging my dragons, not letting them run my life. I am not speaking the same language as the people around me who are not addressing their dragons. And they don't want to hear me talk about my work and how far I've come.
I am sitting here, and reminding myself to focus on positive what ifs, and also to just let myself feel the pain that comes from realizing that a person I fell in love with may not choose emotional intimacy with me now that it is a real option (now that my anxiety is much better managed and I know how to challenge each negative thought that comes into my head.
I am stuck waiting. It is painful. I am sure I am not the first person to manage their anxiety only to realize it changed them and they have to wait for their partner to decide what to do about that change. I am not being engaged with emotionally or intellectually in my relationship unless I am upset and then I am consoled. But I want so much more than that. However, this is out of my control. It is a hard realization that we do not control what our partner gives or shares with us. I can only wait and let them show me through consistent behaviour, who they are and what they value for themselves. This is a hard lesson. Lots of tears this AM. We all want to be cherished and loved for who we are, and celebrated for our hard work chaining up our dragons. people with lots of dragons running wild in their head are not available to celebrate with me. this sucks.
Without this forum I would feel alone. I don't have much to offer anyone today, but wanted to share this in case it helps. Your words mean a lot to me. Because I do wonder if I am self-aware, or insightful or if I am a babbling know it all. I don't want to be the latter. I want to see into myself and befriend myself and understand the world around me, just like anyone else. The way I am going about my life, taking time out to address my dragons, seems odd to people around me. Part of me feels odd, and your words made me feel less odd, and understood or at least recognized and seen for who I am and who I work to be more of.
