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planning for exposure work

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

Just posting this in itself helped me to clarify what I was struggling to understand about exposure work for myself and then all the replies have helped too. thanks everyone.

I challenged myself to think about specific people's responses to my being either co-dependent or assertive with them in the past and realised some people in my life do not take advantage of me, my anxiety clouds my ability to see this sometimes. Some people in my life do appear to take advantage of me and I have taken leave of them for a while during this program, maybe for good.
Like Teebs said, some friendships will change and that is not necessarily a bad thing.

I am probably doing boundary work without really calling it that per se.

My initial reaction when I realised I can be codependent with people is "whoa, i better put a better boundary around myself and everyone" when in reality, I do have a few caring people in my life who do not want me to be codepedent and like when i know what i want and say so.

This program is doing a lot for me. Onward,

trees

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 286

Loves Trees-

Regarding your relationships with other people I think it is inevitable that some of those relationships will change as you begin to conquer your anxiety, but this isn't always a bad thing. It was really hard for me to step away from my job to take better care of myself for a little while, and some people at work that I used to be friends with either don't understand what I'm dealing with or resent me for leaving during a busy time - but I can't control what they think or feel about the situation, only what I do. So some of my friendships have changed or been lost, but another friendship has actually gotten stronger because she has experienced occasional panic attacks and has made an extra effort to spend time with me now that she knows what I'm going through. As a result we've found out we have a lot in common and are starting to become better friends! So, the relationships that last are the ones that you are going to want to keep anyway - the ones based on true friendship and not something else.

With exposure I've had some difficulty thinking about how to control exposure to some of the things I'm anxious about to. If it's something like "being rejected" that's harder to set up an exposure plan for. Maybe read the exposure session now and see if you can start applying part of that when those situations do come up for you? I'm still trying to figure this out myself, and working on some of the other things that are easier to build an exposure plan for, assuming the rest will improve as well.

Teebs

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 6252

I'm going to stick my neck out a bit here because I was in a relationship with a codependent person. I was the dependant one. I really got tired of not being able to make a decision. And I really got tired of her doing what I was totally capable of. If I needed help I would have asked for it. And I would rather have had assistance than have her put me aside and do it. True co dependence is different from just being real picky. I'm picky. I like it done right but if I can't do it or don't have the time then I accept what I get, but I try to leave enough instruction that it comes close to what I want. Very seldom do people view something the same way. It takes a lot of observation to learn what some one else wants and paid employees some times can't be bothered. On the other hand some try real hard and these you will loose if you keep jumping in and doing there work for them. One day at a time. If you can't delegate to free up some time for you then you are going to have a hard time with the program. Look at it this way, if the program will make it easier to run your business in the long run is a little lost time and delegation worth it. Just my impression, you don't have to listen to me.

Your friend

Davit.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11226

Hi loves trees,

This is a difficult question. Generally avoiding situations in your life that you commonly experience may in fact increase the anxiety around it so I wouldn't recommend cutting back on your interactions with others. Continually challenging your negative core beliefs is an ongoing process and it takes time. Stick with the program and you will get there. Try not to expect too much of yourself early on.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said is remaining codependent in order to not rock the boat worth it? Is it? Also, you ask a lot of what if questions, for example, what if this person does not want me as a friend... I would be interested in hearing your answers to those questions.

So happy to see your progress so quickly! Great work!

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 659

loves trees,

I don't know if this helps you when I started working the program I didn't exactly do it in order. I read the program over and worked on the things that I could in my own order. I think it is better to do something than nothing even if I had to do it in a different order. The second thing I want to mention to you about co-dependence is a book I read called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Its about setting boundaries in your life and when to say yes and when to say no to take control of your life. This book helped me a great deal to understand the boundaries I need to set in my life. It is ok to say no! We are not responsible for everyone and everything. You might find this book helpful. They have it at Barnes and Noble if you want to take a look at it. I hope this information helps you in some way. I do not want to get off topic here but I was wondering what the make and model is on the sewing machine you are using. I read and responded to your post under pleasant activities about sewing machines. If you are feeling up to it you can read my post there and answer my ? under that thread,so we do not compromise this thread or its topic. I would greatly appreciate the help.

Red

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

I wanted to add a bit more info here.

I am open to the possibility that I need to reduce the exposure I endure as part of a regular day for the next few weeks while i work this program. It would entail asking a few people to leave me alone for a week or more. It is not easy or practical but it is not outside the realm of possibility. I want to do what it takes to succeed in this program. Is this necessary do you think?

I usually alleviate my anxiety by doing things for people, controlling things and jumping in to prevent them from dissapointing me or doing it "wrong". I think that is called co-dependent. Already this week I feel a bit stronger in resisting the desire to jump in and 'save' people from hurting me or getting angry with me. Lightbulb moment! I have been so worried about being rejected for not being co-depedent anymore. I played the 'what if" and came up with:

- what if i lose a friend or 2 by becoming less controlling based on anxiety and fear of rejection? well if they were only my friends while i was codependent with them, its good i learned that in the long run.

- what if people i don't want to lose get angry with me for not taking over and doing things for them anymore? Well, after their anger subsides, i am sure i'll be able to explain what i need. If their anger or anxiety increases due to my co-dependency decreasing I will a) at least have the skill and insight to manage my reaction to that and b) be in a better position myself to know what sorts of things I can offer them or not offer them by way of support, friendship, etc..

I had a major lightbulb moment this AM. There are key people in my life that I don't want to lose and becoming more assertive and less anxious might alter my relationship with them. I fear this. But I see this more clearly. I see it as a bit insane for me to agree to remain codependent in order to not rock the boat as it were. Maybe my own contentment is becoming more valuable to me and too high a price to pay for a relationship with someone. Yikes. this is scary stuff. but necessary. it feels scary but necesssary to realise this.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 356

So I will be starting week 2 of the program next monday and have documented many many negative thoughts all week and every day it is probably getting easier to catch them and write them down.

I wanted to ask the moderators or others to help me deal with the fact that I cannot avoid exposure to the things taht cause me anxiety because the things that I fear are being rejected by someone, and / or conflict with someone.

I am exposed to situations that cause me anxiety every day because they come in the form of emails or phone calls and basically things people say to me. They say x, and then I have a negative and anxious thought. i.e. "they do'nt care about my needs" or "they don't actually like me they are just bored".

Because "exposure work" is a planned activity later on in the program, what do i do in the meantime? It would be difficult if not impossible not to be exposed to triggers until week 4 or 5 because they are part of my daily tasks. How do others handle this? Advice?

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planning for exposure work