Hi Ashley,
Thanks for the response and encouraging words.
It is not even noon here yet and I've already bumped up against core issues and managed to navigate through a minor anxiety. I feel proud of myself that I did something different and was able to prevent a more deeper attack this AM.
Writing down the negative thoughts is really helping.
Davit's advice to come to the forum instead of turning to my partner was hard to read at first but challenged me to do something new and the whole reason for joining was because what i was doing was clearly not working. So this AM i forcd myself, it was hard, not to go to him as soon as i felt anxious. I was posting about assertivness when i had to respond to an email from someone and had to state my position they were questining me on and had to be assertive. I felt dizzy and tight chest while doing it and afterewards waiting for their response. I was able to observe my anxiety a bit more than before instead of being caught up in it. I had some nervous energy taht I used to do the dishes and focus on that while I calmed down, and I put on some music to also help me focus and calm down. I think I sent an assertive email, I didn't attack or anything, I jsut stated what I needed and what I am willing to compromise to solve the problem at hand. Regardless of the outcome of this scenario and if this person takes advantage of me or not after my being assertive, I know I did my best on this today and that is a start.
I really hope that my posts help other people because the forum has been the best thing here that I've ever found to help me with what I struggle with. I hope I contribute to that now and into the future.
You asked me 2 questions about relationships:
What did they add to my life? What did i learn from them?
I'm going to admit, my immediate response to these was "nothing good". negative core beliefs definitely. What I learned from my parents for example is that people don't follow through on things they say they will do for you. What I've been learning from friends over the last 10 years is that everyone I click with eventually moves away.
I suspect you were pushing me to cnsider the positive things I've learned from my relationships too. I have to dig a bit for that stuff. I struggle to feel that people care about me after they've disregarded my needs so many times. I realise some people have not even been aware of my needs because I didn't tell them. I wanted them to "just know", or to use their common sense in the fact that everyone has needs and if they enjoy pretending that i don't have needs, then they are not people I should be friends with. Intellectually, I realize that if I continue to believe everyone is out to hurt my feelings or ignore my needs, that all the relationships I currently hav will end because these are normal people who will not be able to stay with me in the long term if I continually make them prove they are not hurtful, mean and ill intentioned. Emotionally though, I still want that wall to stay up for self protection.
Hope that made sense. I am sure I'll read this again in the future and see if my heart can catch up to my head or vice versa because I don't want to live the rest of my life fearing everyone around me, its exhausting.