I have to go see a specialist today for a breast lump I found a few months ago. They did a mammogram and an ultrasound and said it looks ok but he wanted me to come back in a couple months (today) to see if it's changed shape or grown at all. When he was talking about it, he was saying, oh, yeah, this is ok, I don't think there's a problem. Then, when he felt it, he got this look on his face and said he wanted to see me again in a couple months. I keep trying to tell myself that he was positive and said everything was ok and this is just a checkup to make sure, but then I keep seeing that look on his face and keep thinking, what if he just didn't know for sure..... My grandmother had breast cancer a couple years ago and had a breast removed and I am so afraid to go through what she went through.
What I am mostly freaking out about right now is that I have to go do this alone because my husband couldn't get time off work. I can't seem to stop crying this morning. I am so dizzy, I feel like I'm floating. I keep trying to be positive, but I am crawling out of my skin. I think I'm going to take a Xanax before I go. Maybe that will help.
I keep telling myself I'm going to get through this ok. I'm just not sure I believe it anymore. Maybe I will feel better when it's done and over with.
