I'm glad I found this site. As I'm certain many of You can can relate, I've hit a personal series of epiphanies after the last binge moment that had almost got me arrested, and possibly (probably) has terminated one of my jobs (I'm a musician as well as a guitar tech at a music store (job in question) and for whatever strange reason, I can trace back suddenly how much I've been imbibing over years, and especially the last few weeks. I've come to realize fully that I'm in serious danger if I don't stop, because even though I could go for long periods in the past sober, lately that is less and less.
I thankfully played a show last night that was a pretty high profile situation, and I did it sober. We had a wrap up party and I let myself have a few before coming home...my reasoning was seeing the it was the day Jimi Hendrix died, I figured that would be the end symbolically.
Now after writing that, I can say that in the last half year, I had met someone special after breaking up from a 5 year relationship, and for a couple of months, I seemed okay. I barely drank (she really didn't) and things were magic. That's when an old familiar trauma happened again. Two very close friends had passed (one from cancer and the other via suicide) and the girl I was seeing had once dated the suicide victim. I've lost many close people, 20 from the age of 28 until now 44, and I am now certain those events, starting with My Mom, is one of the many triggers that has traumatized Me.
So My relationship with the girl imploded because of the impact of our common person, and of course I started to drink heavily again...except this time it's taking on a new strength which I now know is out of control, unless I completely stop.
I don't believe there is 'Just one' for me at this point...I actually believe I've chemically bonded to the booze, and so one just snowballs into 3 day benders which led to me going to work hungover, but sneaking a 350 ml bottle of brandy that I proceeded to drink until I blacked out. Somehow by-law was informed, and again somehow I talked my way out of it...but the owner had to come in and take over (there is way more to this tale, such as the owner himself is narcissistic and has also an alcohol-drug problem) and so I assume that is over.
They say 'Rock Bottom'...I do believe I know what that means now.
This is truly the first day that I've seen and admitted that there is a problem.
I'm hoping to recover and start anew.
