Hi WT,
I understand very well what you're saying... and what you're going through. We had an old drinking buddy over this weekend, and he sat on my couch drinking beer with my husband while I waited on him. Really nice! (NOT) And he treated my daughter terribly by talking rudely to her, and treating her like a waitress. In the end, I retreated to the bedroom to play cards with my daughter. She said to me, "Mom, I'm so glad you don't drink anymore. Scott was so mean to me, and I hate it when Daddy drinks." As soon as dinner was done, and I had done all the dishes, Scott left. His belly was full, his buzz was on, and he was done with us. What a jerk.
I would suggest to you that there is a different way to do your family gatherings. You need boundaries, my friend. It's so easy to repress your own wants and needs when you drink. Scott was encouraging his dog to come up on my couch. I had to put up my finger and say "no, no!" to him like a little child. We don't allow dogs on our furniture. He was pissed at me, but oh well! Don't come eat my food and treat my child poorly if you want to sit on a couch with your dog! People are used to us being more submissive and meek when we drink, and we are different now. You are different now.
If I were you, I'd make a list of things you would like to go differently the next time you have a family function. You made the potluck change, now it's time to make some more changes. If you don't want to drive your sister home, get her a cab or UBER. Tell her on the phone that you can't drive her home anymore, but you're willing to get her a cab. This is only a suggestion. If you are sick of your mother grilling someone, perhaps interrupt and talk about something else. "HEY! I have a great story to share! Check out what happened to ME THIS WEEK!" Something like that, maybe? If it's someone who needs attention, like your mom, ask her something personal so that she can tell a story about herself. She may like to talk about herself, so try, "Hey, Mom, can you tell me how you made that recipe?" Or, "Mom, where was the place you said there were great bagels?" I don't know.... Just break up that conversation somehow. Take out some cards like I did and get everyone focused on something other than sitting around drinking and getting on each other's nerves.
I went to a support group meeting for homeschoolers last week. They set up a game like Family Feud. It was so fun! I thought that if people came over it would be so much more fun to play a game like Pictionary rather than sitting around eating crap and getting wasted. What do you think?
I hope this gives you some good ideas. I will promise you something else. You'll be so surprised at how little people care about our sobriety. We care much more than others. It's odd, but it's just not that important to others like it is to us. Sometimes it makes me sad that my husband doesn't care as much as I do, but that's just the way it is. You care, Foxman cares, Toxic Soul and Julie and Gus care... because they know what it's like being us.
