Hello My Fellow Travelers:
This business of cessation is a hard thing. And I know full well that there are people out there who at this very moment are struggling and perhaps feeling that there is no hope. I know, and having traversed that road feel a great deal of empathy for you.
For those who tend toward depression and anxiety your stomach is aching and convulsed with the pressure only a depressed or anxious person can feel. I know that those uncomfortable feelings are journeying up to your minds eye. And I know that your brain is telling you that all you must do to relieve the dread and fear is to light one up and let the chemistry of your brain and limbic system calm the storm.
I know...
But there are things that you have forgotten. And there are things you must remember. When you made your oath to stop hurting yourself by smoking, you stood on a mountain top. The air was cool and clear and clarity of purpose was palpable. You knew who you are. But we cannot stay in that rarefied air for ever, even though it is a beautiful dream. I know...
But the place in which we live most of our lives is not upon that blessed mountain top. No we must always return to the valley. And as we descend the mountain the air becomes a bit thicker and full of pollution. The sounds of civilization once again pierce our calm with shrill violence. We become confused. We become anxious. We become depressed. The temptation is great to once again return to hurting ourselves because our pain cannot be known by another. I know...
But as you descend to the valley and as you enter the hot flat plain of everyday life...You MUST remember. You must recall that there was a time when you did not smoke. You must remember there was a time when you you did not have to hurt yourself to feel normal. There was a time that you where an infant held in your Mother's arms. There was a time when you where a child who could play imaginary games without looking around for a pack of cigarettes. There was a time when as a young adolescent you felt love for another so desperately that you thought your heart would break. There was a time before addiction...
And there was a time when you stood upon the mountain. You must believe that you can stand there one more time...
Here is a poem that I wrote to describe to myself what I was experiencing in those desperate times...I hope that you may find some comfort in knowing that others are walking with you. And even though our pain is only known to us, others can glimpse it even though it is through a window dimly lit...
I Set My Mind Against The Tide
I set my mind against the tide,
as a sailor sets a sail
straight into a westward wind,
that soon became a gale.
The harbor lights were far behind,
when the sky bled blue to gray.
The chop was fine and coming fast
and my boat began to sway.
Broadside and true she took each wave
and fell to meet the next.
The troughs were deep the angles steep
my thoughts were dark and vexed.
And in that hour the taunting came,
from deep within the storm.
Derision scorn and vile blame
took endless ghostly form.
Loathing lingered on the deck
as doubt engulfed the mast.
And from the east, a tiny speck
flew toward me from the past.
Larger loomed this bird of prey
in silence loud and clear.
With stealth and guile it ruled the day
for this was cold dark fear.
Fear stretched out a deadly claw
and danced with doubt and scorn
around the sail I’d bravely set
they mocked the oath I’d sworn.
The bitter wind grew stronger still
as hopelessness appeared
and played a mournful melody
for doubt and scorn and fear.
“Come join the dance” the storm intoned
I know you know the steps.
“I’ll bring you peace” the wind exclaimed
“with one more cigarette.”
But just between the flash and fade
the lightning wind and storm
were all inventions I had made
while I was busy being born.
For I have lost a lover
who would kill me where I stand
but found a better friend in me
cause I know who I am.
I set my mind against the tide
as a sailor sets a sail…
I set my mind against the tide
As a sailor sets a sail…..
