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21 years ago 0 +0 / -0 215

P.S. I just wanted to add that those of us who are fortunate enough to have friends, family to support us, I can't say how much gratitude I have for these people. I mean I only have one..my b/f...but as I am typing away here at work, he calls me with only a few seconds to talk, JUST to ask how my commute went... What a sweetie, huh? It's people like that, who make us want to keep on fighting and get through this. I'm just lucky enough to have him! :)

21 years ago 0 +0 / -0 215

Ok I went out yesterday, in the RAIN, and actually drove the freeway for 2 exits. It was tough, but I DID IT! Took my b/f with me and he was so encouraging and supportive,,,kept telling me how well I was doing. The fact that he kept talking was enough of a distraction that I think it helped. The irony is that he is a professional truck driver..nothing about driving intimidates him and he actually drives slower than me, usually. He told me there are few people that he drives with that he feels comfortable and I'M one of those people because I am good driver. We drove all over and what began, on the freeway, as very panicky, ended up feeling about 0-1, even in the rain, and as it got dark. TODAY my drive to work was really GOOD again. I bought some dark chocolate and had a piece or two on my way to work..my drive started out maybe 2-3 level of panic and after only about 5 min of driving, it remained anywhere from 0-1. I kept reminding myself that I AM a good driver. I haven't had an accident in over 30 yrs, with only one speeding ticket in my entire life. So after a bad day on Friday, here's another good one to hopefully last the day. :) It's going to be rainy here most of the week, but I feel relieved to have started my week with partial sunshine and a renewed sense of confidence. Hope everyone else is doing the exposure work. I honestly think if I had not gone out yesterday with the degree of success I had, it would have been much different this morning. It was kind of nice to have a hand to hold yesterday and I was so appreciative. Also it made me feel good to watch the b/f lean back and relax. He usually does so much of the driving on the weekends, that he said he really enjoyed it. The fact that he was NOT nervous at all, sent a really positive message to me.... Have a great day. ;)

21 years ago 0 +0 / -0 215

Oh Cheryl I'm so glad for you!! It gives me hope. I didn't go driving today. The b/f wanted to go to the thrift stores and that took a couple of hours. Very rainy here...after the thrift stores, I had to go and get two new tires for my car...then it got late...so I just never got around to it. Odd though, that even though we drove around today and HE drove, I still had some sensation of being dizzy or feeling spaced out. Tomorrow for sure I need to force myself to do the driving everywhere and attempt, at least driving my normal route to work..normal, meaning the alternate one I have been driving. Not looking forward to it, but I think I can force myself to do it anyway :confuse:

21 years ago 0 +0 / -0 217

The drive went rather well. The traffic was horrible and I got a little edgy a couple of times. The weather however was really nice so I just rolled down the window and did some deep breathing. On the way home we came by interstate and it was the same up there. I was able to control my anxitety and did not have an attack. It was awesome! Thanks for asking.

21 years ago 0 +0 / -0 215

Aw Cheryl don't be sad. Be glad that we are still here and kicking. I think one of the best things I learned in therapy was that I had a choice. To either continue carrying all my past with me, or to let it go. It served no purpose to continue carrying it around so for the most part I let it go. I couldn't change the past so it was useless to dwell on it. PLUS the really positive thing was finally realizing that he could no longer hurt me. As an adult I didn't even live in the same state. That was freeing. It is when I began living my own life. Now these things only surface when I am struggling, like now. I think it's my need to find a reason...or fault. Yet, the answer really lies within ourselves to conquer it. Afterall, who else is there really? I can usually cry at the drop of a hat, anyway. I didn't used to be that way...held everything in---preparing to fight or flight, you know? We all have our private hells...they are all valid and to compare them isn't fair. We can always find people who had it better or worse. Basically most parents try to do their best, I think. And even though my kids had it so much better, I'm sure they could point out times when they felt slighted or not loved enough. I dunno..maybe not. Cherly how did your trip go with your son yesterday? Take care... Stay in touch... Still thinking about driving today...so far though, I'm still in my jammies...LOL

21 years ago 0 +0 / -0 217

Wow, I some how missed all these posts yesterday. You two ladies should be proud of yourselves for overcoming so many obstacles in your lives (and I hesitate to even use the word obstacle....more like a living hell). I am at work and I am in tears. My heart goes out to both of you. Despite the years of torment and heartache, you have survived and managed to make lives for yourself. I feel humbled and almost ashamed that I should think my problems are a big deal and that I have suffered.

21 years ago 0 +0 / -0 215

Tears are neither good or bad, but they are cleansing, I think Sometimes I feel ashamed that I only turn to God in bad times... I think he expects more of me.. maybe it's a sign, I don't know... It's just that as children, things are not always fair..and yet some kids thrive, despite all their horrilble upbringing..but I think that is RARE...most of us are not easily able to transcend the horrific thing that parents do. I will say, that before my Dad die, he and I mad ammends.. I was willing to agree to: He did the best that he could with what he knew, what he had learned... It wasn't MY best, but I was able to give my kids a better life... so maybe that was his legacy..... I forgave him..and even though he caused enormous misery in my life,,,,,,,it's so very very ODD, that I always felt loved....... It's an irony, that I haven't been able to figure out..maybe cuz I was his favorite, even though I despised him. Acceptance is a prize in a dystfuntional family...even it's negative..

21 years ago 0 +0 / -0 47

This is when we thank God for the good things!!!! We will beat this thing with help from each other and this group. I didn't mean to make you cry, I hope they are good tears. Your Friend, Shannon

21 years ago 0 +0 / -0 215

Shannon you break my heart..tears now fall uncontrollably... I have felt both strong and weak... Yes, I have been through alot... Coming through Slaughter almost.. but then when I listen to agoraphobics...I am humbled.... I mean can you imagine being imprisoned in your own home? And YOU are an inspiraton to ME..being a sales rep and driving all those miles.. And yes this does seem to be such a small obstacle in comparison............but it doesn't feel so small when I do my commute...

21 years ago 0 +0 / -0 47

Cathy- My heart goes out to you. You have OVERCOME so much in your life. Do you ever wonder where you got your strength? You seem to be such a positive person I don't know how you do it. This seems like a little obsticle compared to everything else you have been through. You are an inspiration to me. Shannon

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