Hi Julie, Thanks again for keeping up with my ever changing life. LOL! I have been implementing my new daily regiment and it's been working out very well. One of the biggest additions which has helped me out immensely is making sure that I get a lot more down time ... [IMG]http://i123.photobucket.com/albums/o304/Monica58/sleeping.gif[/IMG] Even if I can't sleep during the day, I still get a good rest just by climbing into bed and quieting my mind! I've been able to convince my mom to do the same thing for herself. Resting is paramount no matter what you are going through stress-wise in your life. You have to physically make yourself lay down and remind yourself that whether you feel it or not your body needs to replenish itself. My husband is coming along, slowly but surely, however he is very limited when it comes to walking. Extremely wobbly and it's quite evident that this recent stroke did some major damage to his body. Perhaps in time he'll regain his balance, but only time will tell at this point. In the meantime, I cannot believe how much I have learned from being a non smoker. So many things were masked - In my case, my emotions, the way I was dealing/coping with stressful situations and how I rarely took care of my needs. The true Monica is evolving continually and I really like her :) I feel so much freer and honest with the good and the bad. Take good care all and remember.. get your rest when you feel you need it.. or not! (((((((((hugs))))))))) Monica58 [IMG]http://i123.photobucket.com/albums/o304/Monica58/Angel.gif[/IMG] [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 1/12/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 47 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 944 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $423 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 5 [B]Hrs:[/B] 7 [B]Mins:[/B] 25 [B]Seconds:[/B] 17

No Lady, never did go to the store! I worked off a lot of energy doing a ton of housework, scrubbing, cleaning, washing etc in anticipation of hubby's return home on Thursday. I have to say though, as confident and organized as I am, and with all the people who can help me out with a variety of things -- I am very scared of having him home. People don't see the 'nitty gritty' things which happen with a very ill person and they don't know what I need to do for him on a daily basis. I will get through this and I've devised a plan where I'll get my rest even if it means having someone come here and be with him while I go out (for an extended period of time) and give me a much needed break. I'm feeling like I'm riding on the edge of a huge wave.. And ultimately as we all know waves comes crashing down and that's something I simply can't afford to happen. Will keep working off the mental and physical energy. Writing here seems to help me in a very big way.. thanks for taking the time to read and if you wish to respond - that too helps me out a lot. Still going on smoke free.. and remaining to be strong. ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) Monica58 [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 1/12/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 18 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 367 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $162 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 2 [B]Hrs:[/B] 1 [B]Mins:[/B] 29 [B]Seconds:[/B] 13

Yes Interesting, it is my 49th b'day cake. I figure we should go along as much as possible and make things 'normal', so I picked up an ice cream cake that I'm just dying to try before Saturday! That's exactly what I try to do Phillip - look deep inside for all of the things I am grateful for and all that are blessings in my life. Thank you for your very kind and supportive words.. you are very sweet. Well Aunt Deb I did break down once last week in the early days of this horror. I was beside myself with emotional pain .. especially when my husband broke down crying -- I just couldn't take it. Thank you to all that have been here for me. I'm gathering strength in many ways from many sources. And I have learned over the years that I must take care of me too and I am doing just that. Plus I'm simply taking everything one day at a time and taking plenty of much needed time outs. I've always been a giver even to the point where I've made myself physically and emotionally unwell but this time around I'm reminding myself that I'll be no good to anyone if I end up sick. You have all been so wonderful, with your support and kindess and with all of the love from my good friends and family we'll make it through. ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) Monica58 [IMG]http://i123.photobucket.com/albums/o304/Monica58/Angel.gif[/IMG] [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 1/12/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 20 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 414 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $180 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 2 [B]Hrs:[/B] 7 [B]Mins:[/B] 56 [B]Seconds:[/B] 27

They changed hubby's date of discharge to Friday as he cannot leave hospital without a walker so they are working with the insurance company to put a rush on the approval of a new one. The neurologist called me yesterday to tell me that hubby's vascular disease is worsening and that was the major trigger to cause him the stroke. The dr. said that he was already in a very high risk group but with each stroke/heart attack which occurs bumps him up higher and higher. Dr. said that his immune system is very poor and getting home and into rehab is better for him compared to being in a hospital environment where there are so many 'bugs' around. At the end of the call the dr. told me that due to this stroke being only 7 months since the last series of strokes the next one has an increased possibility of being more damaging, even paralyzing or fatal. Yes, this is how sick my husband is and it breaks my heart. All is in place here at home for his arrival tomorrow and I since I needed to occupy my mind and be as positive as possible I made a big WELCOME HOME! banner for the front door including some balloons and lots of streamers :) Oh dear.. I'm exhausted and I would kill for a cigarette ... I won't - kill that is.. ;) Just so very tired and I need to remain positive if not for me then for my husband. I have to admit I just don't know where I'm supposed to go to get the positivity with all of this info. which by the way I am not passing on to my husband because quite frankly I don't think he'll be able to handle it. The dr. is leaving that decision up to me. My hubby knows he's suffered a stroke, but that's it and that's where I am going to leave it. He's gone through enough. Well once again thanks for 'listening'.. And now I'm going to get cleaned up and go to the store to pick up my b'day cake for Saturday :) The big '49'!! I think normalizing things will be beneficial for us both. Take good care my friends.. Monica58 [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 1/12/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 20 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 406 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $180 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 2 [B]Hrs:[/B] 6 [B]Mins:[/B] 46 [B]Seconds:[/B] 3

Thank you for your post McL.. :) Well hubby came home yesterday. Original date was Thursday but the paper work and red tape about getting him a walker delayed the process. I am happy that he is home. Made him a home cooked meal which he thoroughly enjoyed as he kept referring to his meals in the hospital as "dog food" - no offense to all dogs ! I must confess though that I went into panic mode last night around 6:30 as I was doing the dishes. It was like this realization that 'oh my goodness .. I have so much added responsibility to contend with..' I think it hit me like it was a delayed reaction, as though it was a series of little snipits from a movie all coming together and then the panic rose from my gut right up into my throat. HE depends on ME and ME alone -- can't make himself any meals, can't carry anything which can't be placed in his little basket attached to walker. My chest felt heavy as I watched him move about. I felt myself thinking of my good ol' buddy for a crutch to fall upon.. yes a cigarette. Would this take away his sadness, his fear, my own panic? For a while there I was seriously thinking that it would..even for the 7-8 minutes it would take to smoke just one. That's when I started the dishes, finished the dishes, made a few phone calls, then the panic passed.. took a deep breath, collected his juices, pop and snacks for hubby for overnight, placed them in his room and changed into my lounge wear and we cuddled and watched a little t.v. Bed time arrived early - both very tired. And now begins a new day. Yes it will be filled with challenges,,,many new challenges. And today is my b'day and we will celebrate it with diet pop and ice cream cake and we'll both be taking it one step at a time. Oh what a life.. The up's and down's can be ever so taxing but the love of my life is home, I continue to remain smoke free and we'll move forward as best as possible. Enjoy your weekend and hug the one's you love. Monica58 [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 1/12/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 22 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 445 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $198 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 2 [B]Hrs:[/B] 12 [B]Mins:[/B] 7 [B]Seconds:[/B] 6

My husband arrived home on Friday so happy to be in his own environment, his own bed, good food and then 25 hours later he's back in hospital. :( On early Saturday afternoon his sugar spiked, became disoriented, confused and was shaking like a leaf. He began to sweat and then got chills so bad. I rushed him back to the hospital and after several hours in the ER he was diagnosed with peritonitis - an infection in his peritoneal cavity. They say it's a bad bacteria which will take several rounds of antibiotics to eradicate it. He's a such a low point, his poor body is exhausted as is his mind. I feel like my eyes are going to bleed. I'm so very tired and have to head to hospital shortly to see him and bring him essentials. I need an outlet.. and I thank you for listening - yet again. I'm assuming that they'll keep him at least for today and then have a nurse come to the home to administer antibiotics for at least a week into his dialysis bags. I'm really wearing thin.. and .. well I'm just tired. Going back to bed to avoid going to the store. Quite frankly I just want to make a pot of coffee and smoke away .. Monica58 [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 1/12/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 23 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 466 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $207 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 2 [B]Hrs:[/B] 14 [B]Mins:[/B] 51 [B]Seconds:[/B] 50

Yes, I did look into respite care over the last 4 years and there is nothing available except for people who are in their end of life. We have 3 social workers as well who have also tried a variety of places and it's the same thing, only available to people who have had a prognosis of 9 mths to a year to live. There used to be homecare workers provided by the medical profession but due to cut backs here in Ontario they no longer exist. Not to fret though I have been far better this time around with taking care of myself and also calling upon family and friends for help. I've also set up with the help of a close friend for her cleaning woman to come in every 2 weeks, hubby's aunt to help out with laundry and my in-laws and my sister-in-law to help with big food shoppings. I am more organized than ever before .. it only took me several years to finally get other's involved. Also I'm extremely lucky to have a wonderful physician who has my back every step of the way. And as for the fleeting thought of a pot of coffee and a pack of cig's.. well, that's just what it was.. a fleeting thought. I'm doing much better now since I got a lot of rest for both the mind and the body. And I'm so very very grateful to all of you who have helped me through this difficult time. Writing out my feelings has been so helpful and a much needed tool in order to keep me grounded and also reminded of my own well being. Hoping everyone is having a good weekend. Please take good care. ((((((((((hugs))))))))))) Monica58 [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 1/12/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 23 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 474 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $207 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 2 [B]Hrs:[/B] 15 [B]Mins:[/B] 59 [B]Seconds:[/B] 27

Thank you for your kind words, thoughts and prayers. Will move forward through this event. I simply wasn't able to visit hubby in hospital today as all I wanted to do was sleep as my head seemed to be spinning out of control. I expect over the next several days I'll be quite busy at the hospital and then he'll be returning home yet again. Keeping you all in my thoughts too.. take good care and see you soon. Monica58 [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 1/12/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 23 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 473 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $207 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 2 [B]Hrs:[/B] 15 [B]Mins:[/B] 46 [B]Seconds:[/B] 53

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers - husband is in a state of exhaustion and sleeps so much. His poor body is so tired. I've been really busy these last several days. He's so determined to do some things on his own and I give him credit for that but it often means I have to clean up many spills and accidents. I don't want to discourage him of course, but in the end it just makes more work for me. Anyway, I just let him try and quietly clean up after him. I don't bother to mention what he's done and only give him credit for his efforts. Looks like we're going to have several visitor's over the weekend and that will take his mind off of things even for short periods of time. I've been taking mini breaks often throughout each day just for me and doing things which bring me some pleasure as I escape into a movie or a long hot shower. I get out for short periods of time as well. I have a 1/2 day planned with a good friend of mine on Wednesday and have arranged for one of his good friends to come and sit with him as he can't be alone for any long periods of time. Wow can't even believe that I've hit the 30 day mark in my quit. Seems to be unimportant as my days are filled with doing and going. Wishing everyone a most wonderful weekend! ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) Monica58 [IMG]http://i123.photobucket.com/albums/o304/Monica58/Angel.gif[/IMG] [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 1/12/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 29 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 587 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $261 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 3 [B]Hrs:[/B] 7 [B]Mins:[/B] 11 [B]Seconds:[/B] 45

Well today was a challenge. One of hubby's visitors was a smoker. Of course there is no smoking here in my home but he wanted to go out onto the balcony and I refused him of that simple pleasure. He was cross with me and I just turned away from him and told him that I just couldn't stand the smell which would follow him directly back into the apartment. Also I was bold enough to simply ask him why he couldn't wait for 1/2 an hour (length of his visit) and then go light up when he got into his car?! I just don't have the patience - It's one 1/2 hour.. It's my home.. It's my choice! Maybe it has a lot to do with the fact that I don't have a lot of control in a variety of ways and this is one where I am standing my ground. And by the way hubby did not hear what I said to his friend. I didn't want to cause him any undue stress. My in-laws were over for about an hour. They brought some prepared foods and they were also so impressed by how wonderful their son is looking. Today was the 1st bath day here at home since his stroke and it went very well. I also trimmed his moustache and he was a picture of health :) I won't say that through all of this I don't get incredible urges/cravings because I would be lying. It just seems that when I get them I have something to do or when I get some down time I just think of my dad and his passing and then I also just look at hubby, shake my head and away goes the craving. It's been tough with the quit but with being busy, occupied, distracted so often that it, smoking, will not make any of the bad go away nor make it better. Thanks to you all re my 30 days.. it's pretty good huh? *nudge nudge*..lol.. I have my reward coming up next Wednesday with my friend. And yes my husband's friend of 20 yrs. will have a great visit and will also have dinner together as well. Time to make a few calls and then settle in for the night. ((((((((((hugs))))))))) and thanks to everyone for your loving support. Monica58 [IMG]http://i123.photobucket.com/albums/o304/Monica58/Angel.gif[/IMG] [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 1/12/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 29 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 594 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $261 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 3 [B]Hrs:[/B] 8 [B]Mins:[/B] 12 [B]Seconds:[/B] 21