Thank you Danielle.. Doing what I can. Taking it one day at a time. Monica58 [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 1/12/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 65 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 1,303 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $585 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 7 [B]Hrs:[/B] 7 [B]Mins:[/B] 54 [B]Seconds:[/B] 22

And the hits just keep on coming ! My mother's companion is now in hospital and not expected to ever go home again. He's been diagnosed with lung cancer. He's been a smoker for more than 60 yrs - a chain smoker for the last 20 yrs. He's known how sick he is for the last 6 months but refused going to the hospital. I feel badly for him, but I feel worse for my mom. She's 71 and is living in rural Manitoba and I wish that I could be with her during this painful time but I cannot leave my husband. See? Life is a constant series of tests and we will always encounter tests frequently, but the trick is to deal with each test one at a time and determine how we will handle each one. Attitude is everything including keeping our coping mechanisms in check! I know all of this is so much easier said than done but I've learned so much from my previous experiences over the years and it finally all gelled together. I cannot change what is happening, but I can decide how I'm going to cope, how I'm going to get through each circumstance. And hell picking up a smoke is not going to make anything easier, it's not going to calm me down, it's not going to take the pain away - But what IS certain is that if I do pick up that smoke it WILL end up killing me and that's NOT going to happen! Life is full of those, come out the woodwork curve balls and I'll be damned if it's going to get the better of me. I've come too far on various levels to ALLOW the worst cravings to get the better of me because I am BETTER than those craves and I have too much to do and too much to LIVE for -- So I continue to stay smoke free inspite of the bad because there's always a glimmer of hope, there's a light at the end of every tunnel and I need to use my resources to accept what I can change and accept what I cannot change. Something's are simply out of our control and as sad as I feel for my mom's companion my hands are tied.. Therefore I put all my energies into moving foward with my husband's incredible recovery as well as taking in as many moments of solitude so that I don't get worn down - I'd be completely useless if I don't take care of myself. Now -- more coffee! And begin a new day watching my husband's strength and courage coming along so beautifully. (geez I can ramb

Oh thank you all ever so much for your incredible support! *HUGE SMILE* And just for the record..lol.. I am not a godess.. maybe a princess..LMBO! Just a quick update, hubby's infection is clearing up beautifully :) One day at a time and it's coming together slowly for him. He hasn't yet even considered rehab yet for the stroke due to his exhaustion but that will come in the next few weeks. He is such a trooper though! He walks with his walker up and down the hallway to get in some exercise and also to build up his stamina. He doesn't overdo it, but he does have to keep moving for circulatory reasons. I am so proud of him and he's trying so hard to rise above all that he's been through since Jan. 21st. Last night I was watching 'Barefoot in the Park'.. LOVE that movie and out of no where I had one hell of a craving. Hit me like a mack truck and then suddenly out of the blue a major panic attack kicked in! I stepped out of my room and started pulling out food from the fridge and decided to cook!? Hey it helps me to keep as busy as possible when something so overwhelming comes. Supper is now made for 3 nights. I was in a manic state you know? Even as busy or distracted one can be, the crave, the panic of life's curve balls can suddenly become just too much even though you THINK you are 'ok'.. subconciously the mind doesn't stop thinking. Anyway it all passed, food is cooked and then off to bed I went totally exhausted by that experience. Sometimes I have to wonder when it will all just slow down - knowing it will never stop for my husband as his illness is ongoing.. Just to slow down so that I, emotionally and mentally will get a much needed rest. My mom is very good with helping me (over the phone as she lives in Manitoba and I'm in Ontario) to 'quiet my mind'. Once again - Thanks everyone for your words and thoughts. I'm quite pleased that I've surpassed the 30 day mark and I just move forward thinking positive thoughts, keep busy and always making sure that I have ME TIME. Have a super day all.. Love and hugs, Monica58 [IMG]http://i123.photobucket.com/albums/o304/Monica58/Angel.gif[/IMG] [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 1/12/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 32 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 646 [B]Amount Saved:[/B]

Felt so horribly down today what with the HUGE dumping of snow over night and then as a result my plans to go out for a 1/2 day with my friend was cancelled. Roads were just too unsafe so we both decided to reschedule for another time. [IMG]http://i123.photobucket.com/albums/o304/Monica58/Stress.jpg[/IMG] It's really no big deal in the big scheme of things, but I was SO looking forward to a much needed lengthy break and it fell apart...and then I fell apart. I mean really fell apart to the point that I started crying!? I mean c'mon it's just a glitch, right? I'll get out with my friend soon enough, right? But my heart was so into the time away, fresh conversation, chit chatting about anything and everything NOT related to health..and so on and so on. And there I was at 9 a.m. today (after the decision was made) getting a major crave on and bang came the tears. I'm probably just so tired - even with the frequent mini breaks, I'm also so mentally exhausted that the days leading up, the anticipation growing .. All showered up, make up on, dressed and then like a huge balloon ***POP*** and I felt completely deflated :( [IMG]http://i123.photobucket.com/albums/o304/Monica58/anmatcat.gif[/IMG] Well I got over it. I just cannot believe my reaction to the cancelled date. In the meantime I changed into fresh bed clothes, a thick and comfy housecoat, made some decaf coffee, grabbed the remote and threw in a movie! While watching the movie the craves came and went and by the end of the movie I felt much better... however I had a hard time climbing out of bed - just wanted to stay there all day! I beat the craves, the sadness, the disappointment, I solved it all by doing what I love most and my day only got better from there. :) I am very much looking forward to tomorrow. No more snow expected, sunny but very cold, however I am going out for a much needed LONG walk. Walking is crucial to my mental state as well so important to my quit. Hubby is doing better with his infection. Only a few more doses of the mega doses of the antibiotics :) He's walking the halls part way with the walker and with me beside him without the walker. Hasn't even gone to rehab yet! I'm so proud of his perseverence and strength. He's a real trooper :) I guess I ju

Thanks... And you know I don't know what reward to give myself. I think it was the 1/2 day out which was going to serve as a really huge reward for myself and now I just don't know. I have little money, both of us are on disability. I guess in my own small way getting all comfy cozy and watching that movie was my 'me time' and served as a small reward :) Yes, I will be rescheduling a time to go out with my friend, but it won't be for a while (at least with her) as she works 7 days a week until mid April as she is a professor and she's quite dedicated to her students. I am so very grateful to all of you who have kept tabs on me, on my hubby.. you've all been so wonderful reading and responding to the up's and down's of my life. I really never expected this thread to grow to such proportions. I can feel your feelings in all that you write. Happy Valentine's Day.. you all have huge hearts with so much to give! Love and hugs... [url=[IMG]http://i123.photobucket.com/albums/o304/Monica58/heart.gif[/IMG]][IMG]http://i123.photobucket.com/albums/o304/Monica58/heart.gif[/IMG][/url] Monica58 [IMG]http://i123.photobucket.com/albums/o304/Monica58/Angel.gif[/IMG] [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 1/12/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 33 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 677 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $297 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 3 [B]Hrs:[/B] 19 [B]Mins:[/B] 21 [B]Seconds:[/B] 45

Dear Gonna, You said.. [quote] I cut up and come across as crass and crude at times.. [/quote] Sweetie without the way you come across - your straight forwardness, cut to the chase attitude I wouldn't have the strength and courage to be where I am today. I remember when I had my last major slip - your post couldn't have been more direct and at first I felt badly but then after re reading it several times I came to realize how your words to me rang true and I held your words close to me. You have been so instrumental to my quit (as well as several other's here) and without people like you I'd be far less strong and my lungs would be smoke filled as I struggle along with all the misfortunes. You see Gonna, I've taken bits and pieces from so many who have posted throughout this site, as well as from immediate family and my dearest of friends and formed a new me. I've rediscovered myself in so many ways that sometimes I wonder who the hell is looking back at me in the mirror! Thank you for your incredibly kind words.. and for keeping me and hubby in your thoughts. You my friend are a sparkling gem and I am grateful for all that you give! ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) Monica58 [IMG]http://i123.photobucket.com/albums/o304/Monica58/Angel.gif[/IMG] [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 1/12/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 37 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 745 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $333 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 4 [B]Hrs:[/B] 4 [B]Mins:[/B] 32 [B]Seconds:[/B] 16

As I said in an earlier post, my mother's companion was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. He was admitted to hospital and just yesterday they sent him home to my mother ! ! ! I am fuming mad.. she's 71 yrs old and is expected to take care of a dying man -- who by the way bought cigarettes on his way home ?! Ok.. well, I've calmed down a lot since mid afternoon today and I've regrouped and reminded myself that my dad did EXACTLY the same thing re continuing to smoke. Like my own dad said, he had nothing left to lose. So, I learned from that - I had nearly had a nervous breakdown over my own dad's actions after he had a 1/2 a lung removed and continued to smoke upon discharge. Now with my mom's companion, well, it's his life - or lack of it.. So sorry for sounding crass, but I'm just fed up with people's attitudes and what they are doing to other's. Now I'm just worried that my mom will run herself into the ground trying to take care of this man. I called the hospital he was staying in and asked about home care nursing and they said none was available and that was one of the reasons why he was sent home... lack of nurses and physicians in this tiny hospital. A A A A A ! From where I am here in Toronto I have no control over the situation except to keep in very close contact with my mom and keep her on the phone for lengthy periods of time in order to make her SIT DOWN AND REST. Feeling somewhat helpless but no longer feeling the anger I felt earlier --- And what's weird about it too is that I got a craving!? Probably triggered by the parallel situations with this man and my dad and my anxieties spiked through the roof! But I did not allow the craving to get out of control. As soon as it reared it's ugly head I grabbed my coat and went for a very long walk and all was well with that upon my return. FINALLY I'm taking the information from the past and making it work for me in the present and for future tests. *HUGE sigh of relief* Now I have to clean up dinner stuff and phone my mom :) ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) Monica58 [IMG]http://i123.photobucket.com/albums/o304/Monica58/Angel.gif[/IMG] [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 1/12/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 39 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 794 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $351 [B

Thanks so much for checking in on me Julie.. By yesterday late afternoon I was doing much better :) Actually with feeling so exhausted and all over a period of a few days there it really tested my resolve and I came through it all without a hitch ! You sound as though you are doing a bang up job with your quit and you should be so proud of yourself..I'm proud of you hon :) Enjoy the weekend and yes, I will be doing some extra special things just for me :) :) :) ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) Monica58 [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 1/12/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 43 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 867 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $387 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 4 [B]Hrs:[/B] 21 [B]Mins:[/B] 0 [B]Seconds:[/B] 43

Learning something new almost every day since my quit! Even though you think you are doing all the right things there's still so much learn about yourself! I've been going and doing for 32 days running and it finally all caught up with me 2 days ago - total exhaustion and high anxieties. My trigger for a craving always comes during the spike of anxiety and I have to continually work on that - keeping those anxiety levels at a minimum. But when you are going and doing, even while getting much needed assistance along the way you just don't realize how little down time you are getting and the need to increase it doesn't arrive soon enough. I became so totally whacked out of all energy, physically and emotionally that the exhaustion triggered the anxiety which then triggered huge cravings. Now a new regiment is in place.. MORE down time for me regardless of the situation! Always learning more about myself during this quit. When I smoked it masked what my body needed.. and now as a non smoker my body is screaming out at me to REST, RELAX, BE SELFISH, BE NUMBER ONE! On that positive note and by the way feeling much better today, I am now off for a much needed nap :) ((((((((((hugs))))))) to all and have a super weekend ! Monica58 [IMG]http://i123.photobucket.com/albums/o304/Monica58/Angel.gif[/IMG] [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 1/12/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 42 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 849 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $378 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 4 [B]Hrs:[/B] 18 [B]Mins:[/B] 36 [B]Seconds:[/B] 4

Been trying so hard to keep my mother from driving herself into the ground while looking after her terminally ill companion and while doing this it seems like the phone keeps ringing with all bad news on all fronts! It's been a crazy few days but especially this afternoon and I got to the point where I started to shake inside and a major crave soon followed. It's always been a trigger for me - ANXIETY/Panic attacks. When they come then it's a 100% certainty that a HUGE craving will follow. I was able to breathe through it, laid down for a bit this afternoon and turned the ringer off on the phone so that I could have complete silence. All worked out well :) Hubby is now all healed up from that nasty bacterial infection :) YEA! He's still very off balance due to the stroke and will soon contact the rehab place to get the ball rolling on that. Oh...... feeling like I need something to take the edge off, so I expect that I'll take a shower and head to bed early. Life really is an unending series of events. I did have some moments of lightness and those are the moments that I hang on to and day dream about :) (((((((((((hugs))))))))) Monica58 [B]My Milage:[/B] [B]My Quit Date: [/B] 1/12/2007 [B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 40 [B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 816 [B]Amount Saved:[/B] $360 [B]Life Gained:[/B] [B]Days:[/B] 4 [B]Hrs:[/B] 14 [B]Mins:[/B] 4 [B]Seconds:[/B] 57