Wow, I can't express how great everyone here is. I can�t help but repeat this statement every time I respond.
Christine, did I really sound spacey? I didn't realize emotions can transfer through onto a message board so well (I've been taking some medication too; I hope that isn't the cause). You are right though; I am feeling a little better. I quit smoking marijuana (sorry, I know I shouldn't mention this here) and tobacco in the same week, so it has been especially rough.
I'm seeing a Pulmonologist (Sp?) this Monday and I'm running the gamut of emotions in anticipation of this appointment. With my anxiety charging free like a rabid dog, anything he/she tells me will be better than not knowing, I hope. God, I hope.
I talked again with my sister, very honestly, and as emotional as it was, it helped us both. She is such a strong person; I know she wouldn't make the same mistakes I have. She can see the guilt and love for her in my face and I think that was more powerful than any fact (or fiction) I could have told her. I would give the world to her or anyone else I care for and to think that I could have, potentially, played a part in some negative aspect of her or their lives devastates me in a way indescribable in words.
Sorry if I'm rambling, normally I would be at the bar tonight (Friday), forcing myself to throw lame pick-up lines at women unsuccessfully and question my existence as a human being.
As for my 'friends', for those who are following my soap opera (not that it's even worth the internet page it's written on), they have apologized but I still refuse to let them back in. I was nice enough to offer to pay for a mover but they said 'no' out of spite. Oh, well, at least I tried.
Last but not least, I started to write again, it's always been a passion of mine and a release, and it also seems to sound better when I�m depressed, go figure. I've been compiling all past writings and artwork; I draw too, a real jack-of-all-trades, huh? Not that I think anything I do is better than anyone else's or even on par, but maybe that's the lure; people like to see or read things they can relate to (or look down on)?
Anyway, I'm spacing again and lost my train of thought, God, what a rollercoaster ride. Sorry for rambling
