Greetings All...sorry for the long post.
I suffered from very mild depression/moodiness for most of my adult life. I don't remember when it started, but I know it would kind of wax and wane depending on my relationships, my parents deaths, my marriage breakdown; all very normal. I am what I consider happily married remarried). We have three great kids and one grandson with another on the way after Christmas.
The end of last year I had a breast cancer scare and went through several months of tests, MRI, biopsy etc. (Lots of family history). We went away for two weeks vacation in January and two days after we came back my husband had to have surgery (he is now doing well). The following week I had to have a surgical biopsy (benign). The week after that I suffered two heart attacks. Being female and symptoms are all over the map, I didn't know the first one was a heart attack, but I think I realized the second one was and I figured I better go to the hospital. I was then flown by air ambulance to the nearest hospital with a heart program and was there a week. They couldn't stent because my arteries were too small. So I am on various medications for blood pressure, blood thinners, cholesterol etc. No heart history in the family, I'm not over weight, I eat healthy. I was a one-off.
So here I am...depressed which is a normal reaction to heart attack. I was very emotional, which is also normal. So I'm on anti-depressants. I'm working, but not productive because I can't concentrate and get confused easily. Part heart related, part med related. I likely should have, and could have, taken more time off after the heart attack but I didn't because I felt invincible and necessary. And bored and guilty. And afraid they'd feel they needed to replace me. Then I had my emotions backup on me in May and it's been downhill ever since. I'm not really feeling better and have to go for another angiogram next week to see if there are other issues they didn't catch.
So...as I said, I'm not sure I belong here, but I don't know where I belong. I have no 'want' to do anything. I have no joy, no happiness. I'm scared, but I'm not. I'm worried, but I'm not. I just 'am'...but I'm not sure what that is. Flat. Most days couldn't care less.
Thanks for listening to me.
