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When friends cancel

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11226

Wow figofig! Great ideas and insight. I am impressed.

I especially like how you said that the feelings you experience are only human and not to read too much into them. I think that's a good one for all of us to think about.

I also really understand what you mean about taking awhile to warm up to someone. I'm like that too but I find if I know people at volunteering or other activities even if they are not my "friends" I still get a boost just from being social. It's great that you try to put yourself out there. That takes courage.

Great work! Let us know how these strategies work.

Here to help :)

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 20

Hi Ashley,

Thanks for the boost!

I do try to volunteer and join new groups to meet new folks, but it takes me a while to really become friends with someone. I think that is why I rely so much on a few good friends.

I think I often place too high expectations on myself and others, and end up feeling disappointed. I sometimes cope with this by avoiding people, plans, commitments and challenges so that I won't end up feeling disappointed. That is unhealthy, and much of the reason why I am here.

As far as making a plan for coping with disappointment:

1) I notice that the low feelings and negative thoughts don't last too long (I think they used to last a lot longer when I was in the depth of my depressive episode). I don't hold grudges against my friends either. So I can write these observations to myself in my journal and then when I am feeling disappointed, or rejected, or worthless I can read them and have proof from my own experiences that it will pass. I have noticed reading positive things I have written can help when I am feeling depressed.

2) I can then acknowledge these emotions as human emotions that happen and use the principles I have learned through mindfulness practice to be present in the moment with these negative emotions and not to analyze them as meaning something broader like "nobody likes me they're all just being polite".

3) It would be great if I could then go do some physical activity that will make me feel better. But sometimes it is very cold and that is not a wise option.

4) Another thing I could try when someone has cancelled on me, is to contact another friend even just to chat and catch up. I have a lot of friends who live far away and it is not always easy to keep in contact. Being let down might actually be motivation to do a better job of maintaining these long distance friendships.

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11226

Hi Figofig,

I can totally understand how this would make you feel frustrated. On the other hand, I also think rescheduling and cancelling is the norm now. In my oppinion, people are so busy these days and social time may often be the first thing they cut when they start to get overwhelmed or even just tired. I think if they did not want to spend time with at all you then they wouldn't spend time with you at all and they would avoid your calls altogether. I would try not to read too much into it and don't take it personally. BUT if you feel your current friends are too busy, try some new social activities where you can find new friends who have more time for you. There are many people out there who do have time for a close friend.

From what I have read from you, you sound like a very sweet and genuine person. I am sure it is not you. How can you set up a plan to cope with the disappointment in case friends cancel? What could your back up plan be?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 20

I have some friends who I have known for a long time. We don't see each other very often, maybe once every 6-8 weeks. But when we do make plans, I really look forward to hanging out. I tend to keep to myself a lot, and I am not as social as they are, so I really value our time together.

In recent months there have been several instances when they have had to cancel on me. Sometimes their schedules change at the last minute, and other times they totally forget that we made plans. I am forgiving because I know they are genuinely sorry, but I can get pretty bummed out over this.

I am almost always the one to initiate the get-togethers. It makes me uncomfortable to think that I need them more than they need me, or that perhaps the reason they agree to hang out with me is because they feel an obligation towards an old friend, more so than actually wanting to spend time with me. I try challenging these negative thoughts and identifying the emotions I feel and that can help dispel the disappointment to some degree. But the fact that it keeps happening is continued "evidence in favor of the negative thought". It makes me worry that I am missing some social cue, that maybe they do not want to be friends with me but cannot tell me that in words.

It is discouraging and disheartening when I am trying to break free of depressive isolation by scheduling social activities, only to have friends cancel.

I would really like some feedback or discussion if anyone out there has anything to contribute in regards to being overly sensitive to let-downs from others or ideas for coping with disappointment.

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When friends cancel