Hi ashley.
I guess I am in an episode. Eh?
I know what what i have to ...
**Eat better, be careful of those foods that rock the boat.
**Force my body to sleep. i need to shut down properly. A computer has a reboot button and my psychiatrist gave me seroquel for such occations. I hate to admit I can not do this on my own but my health demands it!
**I need to soak up the sun. A bunch of vitamins are processed in the skin like D, and calcium is better absorbed with D in the system and magnesium... so the bst source of Bioavailable D is that which the body produces from melatonin in the skin... Right?
**I will put up the Adult swing and read stories to Tiamat. Exercise and pleasant activity to push the mood through... and a walk through the forested park will be a good meditation to HEAL the spirit after this bout of pain...
Ashley.
It is just I hung around with so many interesting and brilliant people when I went to Concordia University that I was just a bit behind. My Bipolarity that I had but was never diagnosed, was such a handicap that I got into the habit of thinking of myself as Stupid, and other negatives... I seems to have to run all the time just to maintain the pace others could walk through.
Then when I left school It was a relief. And I found myself alone. I do not have much family. I do not make close friendships. I drift from group to group and never really fit in... so I feel different. Odd. Alien.
And what do we normally use to gauge ourself against? POP CULTURE of course. So books, movies, advertisiving paints me to me mediocre. I am not pretty. I do not have the material dropping that define success and attract superficial people towards me. I do not have employment with a title and fair renumeration. I am at the bottom of the corporate guppy-pond. And that is fine, because the stress level is where it should be for me!
It is just that I want normal BAD DAYS, where I comb my hair and look frizzy not all swollen and puffy from crying half the night from the pain of being unhappy. (Unhappy that the world is a sad boring place.) I want to look at people and not care what their whispers are about rather than become paranoid that I am the center of nasty gosip that will turn EVERYONE against me... I want family to understand that a home with a depressed/bipolar person in it might be beautiful or might look like a craft store after an earthquake at class-time.
I think most times I am not so bad. it is really just me. Me right now. Me, right now, right here.
Meaning, I am not well. I have no sick nor vacation days and cannot afford me/non-paid days. So I cannot recuperate at as I need. And I am STUCK without immediate support.