enough of this computer things. I am going around in a circle and I know that all the other times I did something worng and thins time I did it right ... but without my neanderthal to tell me the difference, there is none. It is all the same as thought the computer had pity and helped me
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I think I would like to get back to the notion of hiding.
There is one male that in in our group. He is in the pool and one work level above me. But that does not change the team dynamic really. Or does it? I seem reaally conscious of these things, more so than the others. So I often need the confirmation that what I am doing to their accounts is okay with them.
But regardless if I am speaking english or french, I am not always understood. Is it me. My way of speaking and expressing ideas? Is it my changing moods that makes me somewhat perpetually different, I am faster when hypomanic and S-l-o-w when depressed... Or when there is that glazed looked coming on... and the whaaa ??? I fall in into the low self-esteem corner and panic! Am I inarticulate? Have I just said something crazy? Am I talking to the wrong person for this? Am I in the wrong language and the person will explode? oh maybe I have something wrong and it detrered their attention? Or a smell, I stink? Or ... OR ... OG!!! It just gets worse. I like the far away offices that I can e-mail.
I usually know what I am doing. I do not have a problem with any of the Ladies nor any of the superiors male noe female. And this one person, has me all tongue tied. I can barely look into their eyes. Any I am so jealous that another has such a close office friendship with him. They laugh about reality shows and about e-mail answers. So I want to hide. I want to dissappear from the group as the odd one out.
I am not even included in the quick little jokes. One girl teased the other, clients are being given the $20 tour so be on your best behaviour. And me. I am hopeless and an embarrousment so we will not even bother to laugh about it. Pretend she does not exist and they will think she belongs to another department, she must with all that paper.
These as all just me being negative. Me thinking the worst about myself. There is no worst critic than me. And sometimes I am starting to judge others by the high standards I hold for myself. If it is unreasonable for me why would I extend it? To prove to myself that it is unreasonable?
Maybe hiding is away of needing space and time to extract myself from my life and think. Time to take pen to paper ... eh ... keyboard to screen and express that which is inside that is bubbling. Hiding away from my life, away from the stress of the clock and alow myself to drift off into throught. Answer questions and see where the process leads.
. "Swallow concentrated pepto-bismol with milk of magnisium and don't throw up while we x-ray your body." And the Dr asks what's wrong with the test??!! I told him what I thought of the delicious menu and all he wanted to know was if he sent me and the results... I was 19! the Dr then told me to buy some anti-acids and bye. It is 17 years later and I still remember the chalk on my tongue !!! It is JUST as bad as the 3-hr glucose test that pregnant women have to pass... concentrated "crush" syrup! and with morning sickness, try not to kiss-the-porceline-goddess!
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