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16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Rose306, Please feel free to tell me anything anytime. If all else I will lend an ear and encouragement for whatever comes your way. I have not experienced what you are going through; however, the advice you gave me stands tall in your situation as well. You can't fix it. You did the best you could as a parent and for that you cannot find fault in yourself. Don't take responsibility for your son's actions, choices, decisions and his disease of addiction! I don't really know what you mean stay out of it - but I have read about tough love, but I bet that is hard to do.

My son experimented with alcohol and got into some trouble as a teenager. I bailed him out once (literally via contacts and financially) and told him never again. He did it again and I did not, but he ask me to. He did it again and I did not and he did not ask. He hasn't done it again! I don't think that's tough love though. Anyway, my thoughts and best wishes are with you. You know what they say about plans, too.

Diva,

I am so glad that you can relate to the aaaa, bbbb, response! How do emotions catch up with thoughts?! I realized what I was doing and told him, first session, he too, calls me out on it! I haven't been seeing him long, but I think he would have figured it out, the others didn't. Another Ahhhhhhhhhh(sigh of relief).

And to both Thanks for being here for me - I need that and want it!

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hey Goofy,

Oh my! What you said about how you act in therapy is so like what I used to do! I also knew that for statement AAA the answer was BBB. So I did the same thing. Hiding behind my brain! You put it in better words then I had before! I stopped doing that now, I think. I think I do slip up though, old habits die hard. Luckily for me though I have found a great therapist who sees right through me and helps me cut through the b**ls**t. But when you wrote that I could so identify with it.!

As for your dad, well, boundaries are hard to set and hard to maintain. I am glad you have read litterature on it. Am glad also that you are not so frantic atm. You are a smart, strong, kind woman and you will manage to get through this. You will. I have faith in you. But remember, take care of YOU first, be kind to yourself and please lean on us as often as needed. We are here for you. And this too shall pass!

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 201

goofy - anytime! i will be dumping on you soon - i feel it building up again - that guilt about my son's drug abuse and being in jail. these days, i'm taking it ok, feeling positive about the future, but i know i need to come up with a plan! and i so suck at that......within 5-9 months he will be out and so much hangs in the air like pollution. i scare myself. i'm gonna f**k it up again....i haven't figured out the magic key, there may not be one, and i know i may have to stay out of it entirely - although that is not my tendency. i leap in like a demented gazelle and usually make a bad situation worse

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 16

goofy I don't really know what to say. I hope you can find some answers though. I'm glad theres other people here who have good things to say though.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Thanks Rose306 and Diva -

Diva, thanks so much for the hugs and just listening to me and helping me set priorities.

Rose 306, he means I've learned all the right answers (in school), but I don't have all the feelings to go with the right answers. I can't practice what I preach. It's why I'm not honest when I go to the therapist because I know a therapist that says xxxxx would anticipate a healthy response of yyyyy (not that cut and dried) so in the past I have done that. I sabotaged my own treatment, I paid to use my education and not get the benefit of theirs. This guy catches me at that....but first I had to admit that, let him know that, become aware of that. Go and have intelligent conversation and not work on the feelings - hide behind my brain (not trying to sound vain). "losing it in a therapist office is a new one for me for the most part at least over an emotion".

"CoDependence NoMore" and "Beyone CoDependence", "Al-Anon", "Boundaries: where you end and I begin" are books I've read, ACOA, Healing the child within are a couple of others I can glance and see. I think they are great and have helped me have alot of insight into who I am. I've set better boundaries this past two years since my mom died, that I think I was able to do so when she was alive. Of course, she was the boundary - she was the buffer- she took all the crap and then there I stood, when she was gone. To add to a long story, Dad had quit drinking for the first time in my life 3 months before she died, he stayed sober 4 months after her death. I had a bit of time to see it coming and throw up, I don't know which either the walls first then the boundaries or the boundaries and then the walls, but either way, I got a few boundaries in there.

I am not so frantic and I do hope (pray) and try to contain that anxiety with thoughts and actions that support what I know about me. I just wish I knew more about me, right now, in terms what emotions are behind those thoughts. I hope I can set boundaries and recognize that I need one set when I need one set.

Geez, Rose306, I hope if I have to come back that it's not with dad, cause it's gonna take him a long time to get it right!

Diva and Rose 306, thanks ever so much, I anxiously awaited a response to my post, just to know someone heard what I was saying, would understand how I felt, would tell me it'll be okay and that I can somehow, someway, do this. (this meaning handle it) not be a one man show in the care of my dad. You don't know how much it meant to read those words!

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 201

hey goofy, you sound frantic. what did your doctor mean by "cognitively you know the answers. Emotionally your not responding with what you know"? i woulda went what? please read codependent no more. you can't do this to yourself. the more you run around in circles looking for answers, the dizzier you get! i've cried at every therapy session i've been to. why not? if you're gonna lose it that's the best place. why fight the doctors over going to the hospital? i look at that as my get out of jail free card. that if i really lose it one day all i have to do is check myself in for 5 days of intensive observation and hopefully a crystal clear diagnosis. push a button, nurse comes, can i get some more icewater? please fluff my pillows? doctor comes and talks to you 3x a day! need meds, coming right up, need to see another doctor about another issue - there's one on the next floor. just because you may never be 100% functioning you - that sure doesn't mean you'll end up back in the bed - you have come a long way and learned too much for that to happen. i don't think alcoholism is a disease, it is a remedy, not a very good one, to feel better about ourselves/our world. alcohol has probably ruined more lives than anything else i can think of. you are not responsible for your dad, you love him and have the best relationship with him lately than you've ever had. that doesn't have to end. it's easier said than done about setting boundaries, because we codependents let people step over, stomp on, chew up, and wipe their butts with our boundaries. you are in no position to take care of your dad, and that it not a reflection of your imperfection. like you said we have to accept life on life's terms - it's true - unless you've somehow figured out a way to control time and space. don't be afraid, goofy, have faith have hope, maybe this is all one big school and we keep coming back till we finally get it right. i love that idea....it's hopeful and forgiving. please take care or you

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Wow Goofy,

Sending you big hugs hun. I feel for you I really do. And I understand the fear...The fear of going back, of falling backwards. but you have tools now that you did not have before which will enable you not to sink. Plus as you said, set your boundaries. Help your dad the way you can but don't go down with the ship it won't help you or him. Work on yourself first, set your boundaries, take good care of yourself first and then for the rest, do what you can. Please be good and kind to yourself in this diffcult time, and remember that we are here for you. You are in my thoughts.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

The thing going on with dad (RE: mod corner post) and the recent onset of his illness has caused me some major anxiety at work. I have found myself questioning my capabilities, my efficiency, transferring issues with my former employment situation into this employment situation (dark to daylight), overwhelming anxiety home, obsessing with finding information about my father's illness, progress, prognosis. I'm trying hurriedly to go through aspects of the program that will make me cope more effectively with the situation, analyzing how to deal with situations that haven't occurred YET (but are inevitable). I need the tools, I got to get this information, I got to study, I got to read, I got to know....can I get back to where I was - if I can, I gotta hurry, cause I got to deal with this situation and I can't deal with it the way I am right now.

I met with my therapist today....he said I am afraid of going where I was two years ago. I lost it (started crying)....that is exactly why I am soooo upset about the whole situation. I am so afraid of going where I've been (with the depression) lying in the bed, in the dark, fighting the doctors wanting me in the hospital, waiting for someone to bring me something to eat, pay my bills, take care of my house, not bathing, not leaving the house, not driving and the onset of all these physical problems that I am juggling as a result of the onset of anxiety and depression. I am so f****** scared! I've come so far and it's been so hard.

Then I start the blame game....if that Son of ***** hadn't drank I wouldn't have these issues to start with, if I wasn't an ACOA, I wouldn't feel the need for his acceptance, approval, still seeking (even destructively) his approval, his attention.

In a work environment with people with addiction disorders I teach everyday "alcohol is a disease". But yet, It is hard to apply that concept and not see it as behavioral when it hits this close to home. I teach alcohol is a symptom of a larger problem, one of not having dealt with the resentments, anger, fear, traumatic experiences of the past. Seeking relief from emotions and thoughts. So it is behavioral right - well, the body processes alcohol differently in a person who is an alcoholic. Okay, I'm talking to myself now.....arguing is it or isn't it and it really doesn't matter....how it got this way...it just is reality and I have to figure out where to set those boundaries in this role transition, still maintain my relationship with my father, which has been better in the past two years than in my whole entire life, and not let it be a set back.

My therapist, I ask him, why do I have so much trouble being honest with my feelings, he said because cognitively you know the answers. Emotionally your not responding with what you know. (ouch, the truth hurts). Anyways, have quit chasing my tail to get all the information I need to "fix me" before I can't handle it, I'm still afraid but that is a realistic fear and possibly a healthy one (verdict is still out on that one), life is how it is and I have to accept life on life's terms (sure that sounded good, didn't it?), but I do have to establish those boundaries they have always been like the waves in the ocean - never solid, never stuck to, always waxing and waning.......

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I gotta get this done