Thanks for the wisdom, lovelybones. The second one is where I'm a little weak, as I'm still working on my own boundaries and understanding of what mistreatment is -- it got a little skewed from the years of excusing his behaviour as justified or to be expected from someone so intelligent and talented. So we're learning together. How are your daughters? They had a much worse experience than mine have had -- are they coming to some sort of terms with the sexual abuse? Take care

Confused, We're glad to hear the girls are home safe and sound. Thanks for the update. Brenna, Bilingual Support Specialist

Hi Confused, Your situation bears some striking similarities to my own. Some things I've learned from my experience are: 1. Knowledge is power. Continue educating your girls about what is abusive behavior, and that his behavior is his problem and not a reflection of them. 2. We have to teach others how to treat us. You are right to teach your girls to reject his mistreatment and teach them ways of dealing with these situations. 3. Even at this age, children are amazingly perceptive and able to voice their thoughts and opinions. Continue to keep the lines of communication open so you are aware of any problems in their relationship with their father. 4. Your girls will one day see their father for what he really is. It will be difficult for them, but they will see. And with your support I'm sure they will come to accept it without it affecting their lives too greatly. I think you are handling the situation exactly right. Sounds like you have wonderful girls and a great relationship with them. You should be proud of yourself for surviving a difficult relationship and moving on to build a better life for yourself and your girls. Lovelybones

Hey Confused, So glad to hear that your girls came to you and let it all out under your wing. You can stay happy in the knowledge that you're always there for them and that you can right the imbalance of how they perceive men in general. That paper tiger won't change his stripes unless he gets help for himself right away and maybe salvage his relationship with his daughters. Stay strong in this New year!

Well, that was an experience! Thank you for your warmth and encouragement -- when the girls came home yesterday, I was able to initiate a tough discussion with a positive calm, rather than enveloped in the negative energy that I'd had earlier in the week. I just opened by saying that I was concerned about my little one's reaction to being late for her dad, and wondered if he said things to them that made them feel badly. Such a flood that came out! Keeping in mind that they are kids/teenagers and they will naturally feel hard done by by their parents, the opportunity and the permission to let it all out has changed our relationship. I'd hoped that they knew this before now, but this discussion confirmed for them that I won't be hurt or upset if they tell me things that their dad has said, and more importantly I think, that I'm not going to turn around and repeat it to their dad or get angry with him. Thankfully, nothing really serious is happening that I hadn't already noticed and addressed, or that they hadn't already seen for what it was. You know, he's a sad and petty bully who doesn't deserve these children. He's just entered a new relationship -- the first, really, since we split -- and, where he doted on the girls and clung to them as the only thing that made life worth living for him, they now feel like inconvenient nuisances. There was some argument a few days ago, and my eldest said that she wanted to go home to me, and he told her that he'd be more than happy to accommodate but that I didn't want her back until Sunday -- that I wouldn't allow her to come home! Does he have no sense of how a child would feel, to believe that neither parent wanted her? I [i]am[/i] a great mom, and thank you for helping me with my perspective and problem-solving. We talked serious stuff -- that they felt that he doesn't love them as much now that he has a girlfriend, and I pointed out that he's just paying less attention to them and that he still loves them as much as ever. We *****ed a bit -- he bought the girlfriend jewellery from Tiffany's (What! He never bought [i]me[/i] jewellery from Tiffany's, and I was married to him for 9 years!). We did some reality-testing -- "He called us rude and badly-behaved!" "Yeah, but we actually were rude and badly-behaved that time." And we laughed about different ways they could respond to him when he got unjustifiably angry with them, and which response would make him most apoplectic. They're wonderful girls, and I'm so proud of them and relieved that they're ok. It probably helps that they have each other. He is such an ass, and I'm so glad that I'm out of that misery!

hi confused. your daughters are sssoooo lucky to have a great mother like you! You seem to know the line between sharing your experience and letting them learn from their mistakes and being a mother hen. I like to walk this line sometimes as welll... my husband just jumps straight to Father Rooster from the start... I mean, you know what you went through ... with a few doubts ... but you recognise the bad situation. You got out with important self understanding and an intimate understanding of your ex. So you are in a good position to teach your daughters that some men think ...xyz... It is wrong. And it hurts their ego when you do not think their way. But the man will not be destroyed nor changed. If this person is your father you are not obliged to accept his view. It will be sometimes difficult and you need time and space but the "old dog" can learn a few new habits.

There you go -- learn something new everyday! My ex is actually an only child (there's a whole nuther conversation). My family... is very loving and caring and very 1950's conservative. Overt displays of emotion are discouraged. Divorce is indicative of a flawed character. Depression also. My mother is really trying to be supportive, bless her heart, but she's so obviously uncomfortable that I don't talk to her much about what I've been going through. My siblings are busy with their own lives. Funny, my sisters-in-law are a bit Stepford-like, but they're all good people -- just uncomfortable with emotions.

Sisters In Law (SsIL)

Thanks, Brenna, for the support and the advice. That's a more moderate approach, and you're right that it's better to ask than to tell. I'm feeling somewhat steadier, thank you.

Confused, You have done a great job raising two daughters by providing them with a loving, nurturing and safe home to grow up in. You have been a great example to your girls by continuing to learn and improve upon yourself which is so important for kids to see their parents do. You have prepared them on how to deal with their father and his comments. Talk to your daughters when they get home from this week and ask them if they are suffering around their father. Ask them if there are things that he says or does to them that make them feel less worthy or they find hurtful. From this conversation you can decide how you would like them to continue their relationships with their father. You're right about needing to look after yourself. You have come a long way and done a lot of work to get here so be proud for everything that you have accomplished and for raising two daughters. Brenna, Bilingual Support Specialist