What is SsIL?

Thanks, Daily Llama, for your encouraging response. The beacon that has kept me moving forward with all this has been that the girls would some day see him for who he is -- I just really wanted this to happen before he did much damage, and I'm so afraid, seeing my daughter in that state, that the damage has been done. My instinct now is to open up with the girls more than I have done to date and talk to them about the tactics their father uses to bully and manipulate. Tell them that I'd hoped that he wouldn't use these tactics on them, but that it appears that he has been. That he loves them as much as he is capable of loving anyone outside of himself, and that he will not stop loving them if they refuse to be bullied or manipulated. That even if he looks at them with disgust and loathing, that's just another tactic and he'll get over it. But are they too young to hear this? Is this something that they have to figure out for themselves? Is it better for me to just continue to be there for them and give them lots of love and support? Just because I've chosen to take the high road in my behaviour doesn't mean that I don't have vengeful, spiteful feelings toward him, and I'm not sure whether or not my desire to protect my children is being tainted by these -- particularly now, as that episode was such a strong flashback for me. You're right as well that I need to keep on looking after myself -- I can't let this, let him, undo all the work I've done. And rather than berate myself for falling over the past few days, be proud of myself for taking the actions I have to stand up again. Thanks again.

Confused, You're most definitely NOT a Stepford divorcee and your SsIL have nothing to do with your mindset, do they? You don't believe a word they say, do you? And neither are you the handservant of your Mother or her PostWar mores, right? You are you, very bright and capable but a woman who got stuck with a complete passive-aggressive dickhead for an ex-husband. My guess is that within two more years your girls will see through all his bragadoccio, male-bull**** and creepy standards and he will then be hoist on his own petard for all the years of lies and criticisms he has ladled out on both you and then on them. These are not blind, deaf and dumb children - despite their need to hang on to the Santa Claus image of "Daddy", they cannot help but see who he actually IS through the foggy glass he has tossed up from his own confusion. Congratulate yourself long and hard for not having sunk into an adversarial attitude in response to his girly passive-aggressivity; you are very clever and emotionally mature to bear all that crap with so many grains of salt over the last decade - especially when it has been your children you fear for; deep down I think you know that he is just about at the end of his rope/tether and that he is very close to messing-up his relationship with the girls almost beyond repair. Keep on doing what you are doing...providing your girls with practical reasoning about the idiocy of what he has been feeding them. They'll get it - in fact, they've already got it but they are still in thrall to the Prince-Charming-male-idolatry that little daughters go through. Soon enough, through no fault of your own, you'll be holding their heads in your lap while they cry and rage about his cretinous blather-skite ego. You do your Yoga, walking club, arboretum hikes and a bit of junior trainee sailing on the lake there in Toronto - get stronger and more tough for when they will need you most --- real soon.

I've come so far. 7 years ago, I took my daughters and left my 9 year marriage to a narcissistic and emotionally abusive man. It’s been a long journey – 10 years since I first went to my doctor for help, and only the past couple of years when I learned more about the concepts of the inner critic, self-talk, CBT that I’ve actually made any progress. The past year, working with this program, I’ve been able to identify core beliefs that I didn’t even realize I held, and I’m finally beginning to be able to change the thoughts and behaviours that are creating and keeping me in this depression. I still have to interact with my ex because of our children. He takes them every other weekend, and they adore him. We are civil, and I’ve been good at not bad-mouthing him in front of the girls, though I’ve kept an eye out for negative impacts that he may be having on them. For example, when my slim eldest daughter started saying that she was fat, I managed to pull from her that her father had been teasing her about having a “belly”, so I had a careful conversation with her about how her dad, as wonderful as he is, has a tendency to criticize others for things that he dislikes about himself. We talked about this being his issue and nothing to do with her, so she had every right to throw these little “jokes” right back at him. There have been a few instances like this with both girls, and I’ve chosen to address them by equipping the girls with ways to deal rather than to address it directly with him, as he doesn’t see anything wrong with his behaviour. I don’t know if that’s a cop-out on my part, but the power of emotional abuse is that it really just comes down to my word against his, and I don’t suppose that I would have suffered as I did if I were able to confront him effectively. Things had been going pretty well – the girls are wonderful, happy, confident, and doing well in school and friendships. My younger one less so, perhaps, than my older daughter, but they’re 12 and 14 – sensitive times and a challenge to the confidence of even the most well-adjusted kids. But when their father came to pick them up for his week of the holidays a few days ago, my younger daughter was beside herself because she wasn’t ready when he arrived. She couldn’t find a pair of jeans that I’d just brought up from the laundry that morning, and she was literally tearing her room apart and sobbing that her dad was going to be so angry with her. I was transported back 10 years. Although I helped my daughter find the jeans (her sister had packed them by mistake), calmed her, and saw them both off with my love, I’m not recovering very well. He’s hurting them, and I don’t know how to stop it. The memories and feelings came flooding back over me – the desolation of when I’d finally run out of excuses for his behaviour. My next step then was to confront him and enter into 2 years of conflict and misery before finally ending the marriage. I don’t know what my next steps are now – I feel my daughter’s pain so strongly, and feel as though I’ve failed them. I’m the grown-up, and I’m supposed to protect them. Ok, if I put on what I have learned, I suppose that I’m catastrophizing. I’m forgetting all the good things that I’ve done – all the work I’ve done to prepare my children to deal with their father. This is a problem, not a catastrophe, and I can problem-solve my way through it. One of those problems were there is no absolute right answer, and I’m just going to have to trust my instinct. The problem is that I don’t trust my instinct here. Supposedly, children do best when they have access to both parents, but because of my experience with him, I don’t believe that he is good for them. I’m going back and forth and in the meantime am sinking down into my depression again. He’s such a horrible person, but I have nothing to prove it. My daughters are suffering and I can’t help them.