Hi itsjustme, Did you go into work today? Did your boss make you feel bad? I can understand that you cant just take a day off but you said it would make your boss think you are weak. Let her think what she likes! Its your thoughts that are more important just now. If you take a couple of sick days you will go back stronger having rested and focused your mind on the positives and that is your work colleagues understand. Maybe your boss does too but cant show it to you for fear of appearing weak herself. If your parents dont understand your illness that too is difficult. Tell them that you have a migraine and need to stay in bed! Not that i advocate white lies but you need some space. Please let us know how you are. x

hi itsjustme, that was a tough day you had! is today different? was there one good thing? I remember working for attila-the-hun and was almost glad she got sick... and well the rest is not important. Are you close to one person at work? It really is good to take a lunch time walk and vent alll that pent up anger and frustration with someone who is living the same experience... they will remind you of what is positive in you, and you need to listen and believe that positive talk. -I know- you know, I read somewhere that if you need to escape to a far off place for decompression vacations then it is because you are sponging too much at work. You are absorbing the negative energy from co-workers and clients. You are absorbing the negative energy from bosses and executives. You are turning all that stuff from others onto yourself. The physical distance is a way to stop absorbing but when you return you start it over... so you need to wring out the sponge. Take only what is yours and leave the rest to whomever it belongs. Yes you boss may be upset with you but she is responsible for her moods and attitudes; you did not make her upset nor angry - she chose to be negative all by herself! Your boyfriend is semi-un-employed because of choices he made, realistically if he NEEDED to work right now he could apply for the night shift in a coffee shop or large retail store. He has chosen to try a position while he works through his own issues (low self-esteem due to lay-off? fear of a long term committment to only one pretty young thing? are some examples of things that drive young men to distraction...). you know, reading your initial post is very informative. I can see a downward spiral in the works... somewhere in session 2 or 3. can you? can you see how it started, you really pounded yourself for the mistake! then you jumped on the slide and picked up all the negatives you could find. This must of really hurt what is left of your self-esteem and self-confidence. did you believe your co-leagues when they said tomorrow will bring a resolution and the issue will be closed? or do you think this issue will be dragged out, by the boss, every time you make a mistake? (I am sure that, like me, you will have it handy to flagilate yourself... but for now look at what is around you...) You know, I still have those thoughts... but they do not hurt so much. I have spent so much time learning that I have a basic value. I have learned that if I disappeared that there are people who would be devestated and hurt forever. I have learned that love has its reasons that Reason cannot understand - so accept the love your fiancee gives you , accept the love from your parents. Regardless of what they say and how they understand your illness they have deep feelings for you. They see what is worth nurturing because they are not confused by the depression. all you are living with has exhausted you, I see why you need to release yourself in all those tears! I understand how the feeling and thoughts just keep hurting from the inside and no one understands. It is more than just needing to be positive there is some healing that is needed as well... With all hurts, we need rest. we need a healthy lifestyle. we need to release and learn to manage the emotions and stress. sorry, I am rambling a bit... I have been having a tough week and my thoughts come and scatter like leaves on the lawn. I rake them into a neet pile only to have the wind scatter them all over. let us know how you are today...

Hey, if your fiance isn't working now, do you think he's going to be working after you get married? He should be interested in at least supporting himself if not helping to support you too. Suppose you have a family? He'll be running around with his homies while you're working your a$$ off trying to support everyone. If he won't help now, I'm afraid that he's unlikely to help later. Now that's not necessarily bad though because I know some men who are good house-husbands who work hard keeping house and caring for the kids. Just as long as you're aware that not all men are as diligent.

Itjustme, Good for you for writing your thoughts down and know that you are worth it! Take some you time and give your body a break. Schedule a walk, massage or spa treatment at lunch or even after work. De stressing yourself and letting yourself take a break can be beneficial for the body and mind. Continue to challenge those negative thoughts and push forward to achieve your goals. One step at a time :) Josie, Support Specialist

gabs, thanks for the replies. they mean so much to me. I so badly want to take off work, but i have to go to work tomorrow and face my boss. she knows i made the error and calling out sick will make her think i'm scared of her, or that i'm weak. but i do need a day to decompress my mind. All i do is work come home eat dinner and work again. I am spoiled with the laundry and housekeeping, i live with my parents and they do most of it. I will admit that is a help. but it's hard to decompress when you live with parents who do not understand that depression is not something that just goes away with medication. yes i believe it did help me, but i still take medication and every now and then when i feel down, i'm just down down down. it's not like before when i was down i can pick myself up easily. it's so much harder now to recover and i find the slightest change in my daily life upsets me. Like making a mistake at work, or just being frustrated with my fiance's finances. I honestly feel i've been depressed since high school, but hit an all time low 2 years ago. I don't know if that makes sense. i think the only way to decompress is to take a holiday in another country. if it were only so easy.

itsjustme, What a bad day you are having. Your feelings are real and a good cry can sometimes release the stress. just 2 weeks ago i was like you. The tears wouldnt stop. Not for anything. Not that it helps you right now but somehow i have got over this point. Thats not to say I dont have bad days. I do. Just not as bad. Try to see today for what it is. A very bad day. You are worn out by this whole thing. One day at a time. Try to sleep, take a duvet day off work if you need to and snuggle up, catch up on some sleep. The world will still turn. Be kind to yourself. Thats easier said than done, i know. Deep breaths. Baby steps. You will get through this, slowly and surely you will find the good hours are more than the bad, then comes the good days, yes, a whole day. Its not much to ask is it but it will come. Hang on in there. Dont try to do what you feel you are not up to. Get take out food. leave the washing. You need to get stronger. Your co workers understand. Thats a huge positive. They are there for you and so are we. Hold on tight. Good luck.x

Hi, I just feel awful. I felt bad last night because i fought with my fiance about him not working and not making any money. I am the only one working and i just feel so frustrated. Today at work i realized i made a mistake which my boss considers a big mistake. So tomorrow i have to apologize and explain myself. i just feel like being non existant, running away from my problems. It's almost one year my fiance lost his job. He is working at his friend's restaurant, managing the staff but the restaurant is not successful, so he is not making much money. I am trying to be patient, i want to start planning our wedding but i don't want to do it until he has a stable income. And at work i feel so dumb and useless. I know i am human but my boss makes me feel so stupid. I cried at work today and my coworkers were so supportive because they understand how i feel. They told me it will be ok, and tomorrow things will be smoothed out with the boss. So while i'm waiting for the bus to go home, i just realized i had been thinking negative thoughts. i kept thinking i'm dumb, stupid, useless, my life is a wreck, i'm a waste of space, why am i alive? I want to be non-existant to the world just disappear. It's hard to think positive. I was never like this until i hit this low and seeked help for my depression. Even though i know I have to think positive, my life is not a wreck, i will be ok, i just want to cry and cry. i cried so much when i came home and then came here to the website to read posts and just vent my feelings. I cried alone in my room and i thought i would feel better but i don't. I can cry all night but i know it won't get my anywhere i so want to stop crying. i have to stop because my parents will ask what's wrong and they don't comfort me. my mom would tell me i have low self esteem and that i have to think positively but i don't want to hear i have low self esteem. i just want a shoulder to cry on. Before, if something went wrong i would stay positive and tell myself i will be ok, or i will be better from now on. I won't make the same mistakes. my job is like walking on egg shells, one slip up and the boss is upset. It's hard because i'm a human and i can't be perfect, but with this job i have to be. i know i put pressure on myself to be perfect but i just feel whenever i make a slip up it's terrible and i have to say sorry to my boss like i'm groveling. why should i have to do that? sometimes i want to quit my job, but i have to stay there for income. i just feel like when something is wrong in life, i can't function i can't see the light of day. but after typing my feelings i will try hard to tell myself i am not useless, my life is not a wreck. I really dont' want to cry anymore. it doesn't get me anywhere. I'm physically tired of feeling sad. crying and crying and feeling low, i want to just think positive thoughts and smile again.