Hi, my name is Kerstin, and have been suffering from what started as general anxiety disorder, accompanied by the rare panic attack, but I'm now fully in panic disorder territory. I've always been a high strung person. Even as a kid I was always nervous or excitable. Imagine playing hide and seek and not being able to stay in your hiding place because you got so nervous you had to use the bathroom very badly. Lots of examples like that. I must have inherited the 'nerves' from my mother, who had mild OCD and mild anxiety. Both of my daughters also exhibit some form of anxiety and OCD.
Anyway, my anxiety increased drastically and became fullblown attacks in 2009. The trigger was my brother-in-law's suicide. He was only 45, didn't leave a note, and just hanged himself from a wood beam at his office.
Immediately following that, one of our cats (our fur kids once the girls moved out) grew ill and after $7000 surgery, died anyway. That triggered repeated anxiety attacks.
The following February (2010), our oldest daughter, while being stationed in MS, delivered a premature baby girl. Sasha lived for a week and sadly died in her mom's arms. So now my anxiety and worry became a daily thing. Fear of losing more people I loved, fear of dying myself, etc. And the occasional panic attack. The first fullblown episode happened at night, right before falling asleep. I called my husband in a panic - he was away on a business trip - and he made me call 911. Long story short, emergency room, ekg normal, bloodwork normal, strong dose of lorazepam, and I was sent on my way. Needless to say I was embarrassed.
Then, that same summer I went to visit my mom who lived in Germany, and noticed that she wasn't quite 'right'. Took her to the doctor who diagnosed dementia. So I had to set her up with help in the house, a caretaker, meals on wheels, things like that. Having to leave to go back to the US and my family hurt me and had me literally sick with worry every day. Oh, and of course panic attacks.
During the next 3 years I was on Zoloft to combat some of the anxiety, but it never really stopped the worrying. Plus, there were many emergency phone calls concerning my mom that got me to the point where just the phone ringing set off an attack. Last year, mom had to be put into a nursing home because she was unable to care for herself anymore, so while no not worrying about her safety anymore, the financial worry raised its head. How were we going to pay the bill when her savings ran out. Thankfully a good Samaritan helped us.
Finally, 2 weeks before Christmas, the final phone call came. My mom had died because her heart had given out. Between grief which had really been ongoing for two years, and relief that her suffering was over, came panic attacks. While I was in Germany taking care of the funeral arrangements, I had an attack that woke me up out of a deep sleep every single night. One was so bad, my daughter took me to the emergency room. Same story. EKG fine, blood work normal. Valium, and sent home.
So now I'm back home, you'd think my worries have finally come to an end, but no. Now I worry when one of the cats is even breathing funny, when hubby is half an hour late driving home from work, when younger daughter (who just had a baby) doesn't call. Each time I think the worse. Cat dying, husband dead in a ditch, baby sick.
I exercise every day for an hour because that helps a lot with the jitters, but this morning, out of the blue - I Was making a bowl of oatmeal - I get one of the worst panic attacks I've ever had. It lasted three hours, coming in waves, until I took a lorazepam.
I'm so tired of this, as I'm sure everyone on here is, too. Life has to be better than this, doesn't it? I'm glad I found this site and will get started on the sessions. I've also scheduled therapy with someone who specializes in GAD and Panic Disorder.
Sorry for this being so long, but if anybody gets it, it's you guys.
