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12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 19

Hello, Diamond here with story and questions

Hello everyone,

I started this program a couple of days ago, and I love it. I have been depressed for years and years, and seen several professionals who prescribed several anti depressants, along with tranquillizers now and then, but nothing worked.

It wasn't very helpful that I was drinking severely and developed an alcohol addiction. After a year AA in 2007, I went to a 12 step clinic in Scotland for 3 months, after that i managed to stay sober for a good 2 years. In the clinic the docters stopped my AD (they don't believe in any medication when it comes to mood) so when I came back home, The depression got worse and worse untill after a year and a half of trying to work the steps I decide to take things into my own hands again and went to a psychiatrist. He prescribed Cymbalta (AD) and tranquillizers. I am on them for two years now, and i am convinced that only the tranquillizers work, the AD does NOTHING for me. I have never been less depressed in the last two years, but the tranquillizers ease the pain, panic, fear and deathwishes.

I had some arguments with my shrink, and in january I decided he really couldn't help me, I had given it two years and still no progress.

Last year was a rocky ride: my father died of cancer in 6 months time, my boyfriend was diagnosed with coloncancer two days after my fathers funeral and was admitted to the hospital, with my brother i had to clear out my dads house where he'd lived for 40 years, and finally one day I relapsed (I drank). My boyfriend, who was also AA, ended the relationship right then(he had been operated and released after 3 weeks and was well again) and I never saw him again.

Thats when the depression got REALLY bad, and the past 7 months have been nothing less than HELL. Since I am always very careful with meds, I took as little tranquilizers as possible. I kept fighting against the alcohol cravings, but lost the fight many times. I know I should not drink, and most days I don't, sometimes I get several weeks of sobriety, but sooner or later the devil wins... At least am not a daily drinker anymore, and physically a lot healthier than some years ago.

Two months ago, I contacted a depression center connected to a university hospital in my city. I've had several meetings with them for diagnose, and next week they will tell me what therapy they will offer me. It will probably be daily treatment, 4 days a week, with loads of CBT, mindfulness, group-, creative- and individual therapy. I have good hopes it will work, it is a 4 months program, and they offer good after care.

The only thing is, that it could be a while before I can start, because of the waiting list. I was desperate when I found out, and aske d the doc HOW am i gonna get through the days, weeks, months!!! But he did not answer that. And so I searched the internet (again...!) and came across this site. It gives me the opportunity to get started, and at least DO something about it.

Because I have been crying almost all day for the past months (and all the feelings that come with it) I decided there was no good reason anymore to be so carefull with the tranquillizers. I am allowed 2 x 20 mg a day, but I hardly ever took as many, mostly one a time, with little result. Since monday I am on 2 x 20 mg a day, and what a relief it is! I don't cry, or panic, or cringe with pain and agony, and get some things done in a day. I don't have a job, so all is up to me.

I have 2 queations so far:

My mood is significantly better since I take the meds, but I feel that the Moodtracker therefor shows a "false" outcome. Can anyone comment on that?

And, the moodtrackers says, I can use my Depression Monitoring form to describe "my observations". Do they mean the activity tracker? Or have I missed something?

Anyone who read this far: thank you very much. I hope things get better for all of us in time. All the best, and I hope to "see" you on this site somewhere!

Love,

Diamond

pasting

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 19

Hello, Diamond here with story and questions

Thank you Ashley and m, its nice to receive some messages!

m, you say that this site has been haven for you, do you mean that your depression has lessened or disappeared? Some times its so hard to believe that it will really go away. Or that I will be able to change my thinking patterns and core beliefs. Like most of us I guess, I had them for so long!

Well, we'll see. A day at a time...

Another 3 days of tracking activities and moods and then I get to do the 2nd chapter!

Diamond

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 19

Hello, Diamond here with story and questions

Hi m,

I was still thinking about your previous response when your 2nd came! Thank you for so carefully expressing what you mean.

It was so sad to read your history with this disease, especially since I recently saw a woman on tv who was also treated with Electro shock therapy, and depression stayed away for a couple of years but when the black clouds came back, she didn't respond to that or anything else anymore! I am so glad that you at least have found a way, at last.

The deep despair you mention is exactly how it feels isn't it. I am very very afraid that it will not 'go away', or that I will not be able to "get' it. I am hoping to get a different AD, one that will do the trick, in combination with other things/therapy. One of those things is to have as little stress in my life as possible, but it will take a long time before I get there, because most of the stress is within me. When I am not in deep despair, im raging with anger (within), or feel a lot of tension (contracting stomach and such) and worry worry worry, all accompanied by the famous negative thoughts of course.

In AA, the 12 steps are used as tools to keep us away from drink, but one can use them as a life guide even if one has no specific problem at all. The problem is, it never really worked for me. I wasn't able to use them when it came down to it. Of course, there were complicating factors at work (one of them being the depression), but it makes me wonder if I have enough will power to use any tools that are not internal. (In AA its suggested to rely on a higher power but since I am not religious that never worked for me. I chose the beauty of nature as HP, but who can go out to watch the beautiful skies or whatever when all you want is to die?)

I just logged in and a new worksheet opened. "Have you been bothered by thing that usually don't bother you?" was the first question. Immediately I was confused and angry and crying, because what is meant by "usually"? I have been depressed for so long I can only say that I am always bothered by things that other people are not bothered by. Or should I just answer that question with "no" because things have been the same for years? Do you know?

Its nice to talk like this m, thank you, and I hope today was a good day for you!

Diamond

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 19

Hello, Diamond here with story and questions

Hi Vincenza,

My usual way of expressing myself is to cry. I can't really help it. Wether its pain, grief or rage, I cry. That is, when I express myself at all. Around other people I don't express anger or disappointment because I don't dare, and when its possible to talk about it it results in tears. Because I feel so powerless.

Yes, a deep breath can be good. And there is nothing like a good walk, but when I am alone (90% of the time) I cannot bring myself to go outside, because I lack the courage. It has happened that I stood by the door with my coat on and was overwhelmed with fear, and backed away from the door, flung my coat to the floor and .... cried. Feeling a failure that im not even capable of going outside. Also, I look like shit when I've been crying for hours. Most of the days I have to run some errands and I am able to do that, and sometimes I take the long way back from the shop to get some more oxygen. I try to get my mum or a friend to take me out for a walk at least 3 times a week. I feel like a dog!

Ive been taking tranquillizers as prescribed now ( I used to take a lot less because I feared addiction, which is silly as I already am addicted to them anyway) and that has been the most helpful thing in years the last week. But already I sense tolerance, and depression breaking through the lovely numbness again...

Could you, or any member out there please answer my question about the 1st worksheet in session 2: have things bothered me that usually don't bother me? What is meant by "usual"? Usually I am depressed, should I answer the question like that? I ask this because I have the feeling that its not meant that way, but to see if there is some progress. Apart from the relief I get from the Oxazepam, there is no change in the depression.

Thanks and a good day to all!

Diamond

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 19

Hello, Diamond here with story and questions

Hi Ashley,

Thanks for answering the question. I have just finished the questionlist with that in mind.

Another question that came up: am I sharing too much? I feel so miserable that sometimes it helps to get it of my chest, but aftewards when I read it back I feel deeply ashamed and I have considered to ask if my messages can be removed. I sound so pathetic! I apologize for the whining, I'll try to moderate.

Diamond.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 19

Hello, Diamond here with story and questions

Thank you Ashley, I needed to hear that.

Its also a good reminder to say that I am not my depression. I've thought about that, and although I know its true, it almost feels like I am! I think I have been depressed since age 13, maybe even longer. So the feelings and thoughts that come with the disease, are very intertwined (is that a good word? My profile says Im from Canada, I don't know why, because I'm from the Netherlands - already send a message to TS) with my personality.

When I'm more or less OK, I can easily see how I am not my depression. When its very active however, it is very, very personal and even the thought "it will pass" is no comfort because I know it will come back as well. I am "happy" with an hour relief, or a few hours. Knowing it will come back is very disencouraging.

Then again, its almost midday, and I feel rather good, even though I've done nothing special, and not even taken my meds yet! Yesterday was a bad, bad day, I was a wreck when I went to sleep. I have no idea how this disease works, can not connect it to food, sleep, activities, its there or it isn't, and when it isn't I don't have negative thoughts either.

Tomorrow is my appointment with the Depression Center in this area. Fingers crossed that the waiting list to start therapy will not be long!

Diamond

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 19

Hello, Diamond here with story and questions

Wow, thats good to hear m, thank you! I was just considering if I should "continue" someplace else on this forum, but I wouldn 't know where, I do not want to talk about my relationships just yet, cos that really gets Depression going. ( I noiticed the Health Educators using the word like that, not: your or my or the depression, and it makes sense) And I feared I was asking for too much attention, taking up too much space. But starting the program like this gives me a sense of belonging and of taking my healing process into my own hands. Although a lot of interesting threads ae on this forum, its too difficult for me to become involved in different threads. Every visit to this site takes mostly an hour, and I have to do the MT, and keep the activitytracker (today I was so relaxed I forgot about the latter...) Sitting at my computer makes me stiff and cold, apart from the heartwarming messages...

Ashley, (thanks for the IT service!) I know about self fulfilling prophecy, and i will examine it again. For now I can only say that I suspect it has a lot to do with chemical imbalance (the stuff our brains do not produce or overproduce or whatever) and I don't know how that is influenced. Of course our thoughts have an impact, as well as behaviour, food, health etc. Though it is sometimes obvious where the Darkness comes from, ever so often it is not. At least not to me. When Im not feeling depressed, I don't focus on its return, honestly. But I can't help what I know. Therefore I feel I need proper AD along with therapy.

I'll let you know how it went tomorrow!

Diamond

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 19

Hello, Diamond here with story and questions

Well, the good news is that it will take just another couple of weeks (2-4) untill I get an invitation for the Daily Therapy, for a first talk, and after that it will probably not last very long before I can actually start participating. (Systems...) That is good because it could just as well take much much longer. And I reached my goal by expressing how hard it is to get through the days. It was a nice man I talked to, and he really listened to me. We made an appointment in 2 weeks, just to see how things are going untill the therapy starts.

The bad news is I have a hard time keeping up with the Mood and Activity tracker. Seeing in the graphic (?) that I had 2 relatively good days last week which seems like ages ago, makes me feel hopeless and very tired. Unwilling to do the work as it seems so pointless. The guy I talked to yesterday warned me that the therapy will probably make me very enthousiastic the first week, but since it is about change, it will be hard, and painfull, and he urged me not to give up. I am very very afraid. Anticipating the pain. More pain. I don't want to be like this! I know how childish that sounds, but I suppose people on this site can relate to the feeling.

I reached part of my third goal, to get some decent raingear. After my appointment yesterday I went on a shopping spree and spent way too much money, mainly on a beautiful leather coat that I dreamed of for years. I try to tell myself Im worth it, and deserve it, but I still feel miserable about it and cannot really enjoy it. My goodness, luxury problems!

Diamond

PS I'll try to keep it in mind m, and read your message when in doubt again ;)

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 19

Control is an Illusion

Hi Eleveno,

I came across several posts and threads with your signature and they are a joy to read because of the identification that I feel! When reading your thread about "worry time" I was intrugued and considering immediately if I should do the same. While reading your insights on this matter, I started remembering something very important about ... control. And there it was: a new thread about how control is an illusion.

In AA I learned a lot about this illusion, and how easy is it to forget! Only when I am very aware (or am forced to be...) I can see that Im doing it again: trying to control things. For years and years i didn't see how big a part of my life this was. Obviously I came to AA and had to admit I was powerles over alcohol, but when I travelled further on that journey, I discovered I am powerless over almost everything and everyone! And what a relief it was!

For me, it made it easier to let go of a lot of things. And be more realistic about what I CAN do, instead of feeling powerless (in a negative way). Deep down I felt that my life would only mean something if I became something of a mix between Gandhi and Germaine Greer, solving Great Big World Problems as I went. How I beat myself up for not being able to do the smallest thing! It was only later I realized I DID do small things, they just didn't count to me.

I admire your systematic work on this disease, and thank you for reminding me that control is an illusion, that striving for control can harm us seriously.

Diamond

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 19

CBT Day - Stress II

Hi,

This is a good subject for me, as i only recently found out that a lot of my "symptoms" have to do with stress. It is however a many layered thing, because of so many things add to stress, internal as well as external. I have always been highly sensitive to sounds/noise, light, atmosphere etc, but also things people do (to me, or to eachother) Years ago I decided it was ok not to read the newspapers or watch the news on TV, because it upset me so much. And me knowing about it, being a "well informed person", never made a difference! I even went as far as getting rid of my TV for a year or so, but that medium has also some nice things to offer so I got another one

For me, who thinks too much as it is, it has always been about finding out what caused my extreme unhappiness. Was it the childhood? The world? The Mr. Wrongs I let in my life? Me being highly sensitive? Me suffering a depression? Did my experiences cause depression? Did depression cause my experiences? Etc etc. That thought-train is causing stress by itself!

By now, almost everything I experience is stress, in one way or another. Keeping negative thoughts at bay or tackling them is a big step in the good direction. Also, if someone makes me unhappy I have to be very careful not to loosen the codependent in me and change that person, but change me! And very simple that actually means removing such a person from my life. But simple doesn't mean easy...

Thanks, and I'll be reading this again, as well as the other ones about stress.

Diamond

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