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Hello, Diamond here with story and questions

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Hello, Diamond here with story and questions

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3

Diamond, I'm new to the group, but I so empathize with your feelings of shame. When I was in my darkest hour just yesterday, I kept saying "I feel so humiliated and embarrassed", having to admit how bad I felt when in fact I have a very blessed life. I have a good income, a nice place to live, and many people would be very happy having my life. I feel like I have no right to feel depressed. There's still a social bias associated with depression, but know that some day people will understand that having a broken brain is not so different from having a broken arm. Hang in there, and continue to be as open and honest as you need to be in this safe forum.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 19

m, you make me shy. You are so kind and say such encouraging things... it really helps, you know.

You're right about the overwhelmingness (?) and the smaller steps towards a goal. That made me realize something, and I wonder if anyone else has this too. Very often, I do not notice at all that something is overwhelming. Only in hindsight, often when damage is done 1 way or another, I can tell the signs were there, but I translate them differently in my denial of being overwhelmed.

For example: I become restless - it feels like a bit more energy for coping with the situation.

I am not centered in myself anymore - instead I focus on the thing that is going on, and focus is good,right?

I'm on the edge of tears - I tell myself its normal, its who I am and I am in recovery.

I want to run away/hide/go home - I force myself to finish what I started.

Even when Im aware something is really wrong (this is usually when Im out of the house) I cannot change it, and even when I can, I still end up with pain. As if it is unleached. Maybe I could post this also in another thread.

Anyway, I did a lot of reading on this site yesterday, posted some messages. That felt good. Another good thing: on May 9th I have the interview at the day treatment center, and I expect to start real soon after that. You"re right m, it does sound like a good program. One of the HE's posted somewhere that a combination of CBT, Interpersonal Therapy and medication heals 80% of MDD uhm... sufferers? patients? MDDers? Well, us. They also have Mindfulness on the menu. If they would add yoga and creative therapy I think Im gonna stay forever haha. So, even though I don't feel so lucky, I know I am, for getting this opportunity. Better late than never!

Diamond

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Diamond, one of the most important tactics I've learned here about reaching goals set... is that if you feel overwhelmed and unable to proceed... you need to break your goal down into smaller steps. For example, If you are unable to do both the mood tracker and activity tracker... try doing just one. Perhaps the activity tracker. If you are unable to complete even one tracker, hen try just stating what you are doing without analyzing. Just write down what you are doing or have done... several times a day. The trick is to basically make it less overwhelming... but get you started moving in a positive direction.

Congratulations on making your visit at the depression center... getting there is half the battle. Then you spoke up for yourself and honestly talked about the amount of pain you are in. Good for you! I like the sound of this program... your interviewer is correct... you will start to feel really great and then it gets hard. It helped me to think of it this way... what's worse? facing the pain, working through it and getting better or living in misery by avoiding the pain.

Trust me, avoiding causes the misery to be so much worse. I know it's scary to face. But the good news is that you are being given the tools and support to get through the fear and the pain in a safe and secure manner.

Keep posting. Keep reading. Don't forget to give yourself credit for coming online and checking in. That's an important part of the homework too. You already are showing courage on the journey. I feel privileged to be apart of that. Thank you.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 19

Well, the good news is that it will take just another couple of weeks (2-4) untill I get an invitation for the Daily Therapy, for a first talk, and after that it will probably not last very long before I can actually start participating. (Systems...) That is good because it could just as well take much much longer. And I reached my goal by expressing how hard it is to get through the days. It was a nice man I talked to, and he really listened to me. We made an appointment in 2 weeks, just to see how things are going untill the therapy starts.

The bad news is I have a hard time keeping up with the Mood and Activity tracker. Seeing in the graphic (?) that I had 2 relatively good days last week which seems like ages ago, makes me feel hopeless and very tired. Unwilling to do the work as it seems so pointless. The guy I talked to yesterday warned me that the therapy will probably make me very enthousiastic the first week, but since it is about change, it will be hard, and painfull, and he urged me not to give up. I am very very afraid. Anticipating the pain. More pain. I don't want to be like this! I know how childish that sounds, but I suppose people on this site can relate to the feeling.

I reached part of my third goal, to get some decent raingear. After my appointment yesterday I went on a shopping spree and spent way too much money, mainly on a beautiful leather coat that I dreamed of for years. I try to tell myself Im worth it, and deserve it, but I still feel miserable about it and cannot really enjoy it. My goodness, luxury problems!

Diamond

PS I'll try to keep it in mind m, and read your message when in doubt again ;)

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Diamond... I think you are fine posting here... you are helping us get to know you and your issues...definitely an introduction. You just do what you feel up to... no judgement ... Ok?

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 19

Wow, thats good to hear m, thank you! I was just considering if I should "continue" someplace else on this forum, but I wouldn 't know where, I do not want to talk about my relationships just yet, cos that really gets Depression going. ( I noiticed the Health Educators using the word like that, not: your or my or the depression, and it makes sense) And I feared I was asking for too much attention, taking up too much space. But starting the program like this gives me a sense of belonging and of taking my healing process into my own hands. Although a lot of interesting threads ae on this forum, its too difficult for me to become involved in different threads. Every visit to this site takes mostly an hour, and I have to do the MT, and keep the activitytracker (today I was so relaxed I forgot about the latter...) Sitting at my computer makes me stiff and cold, apart from the heartwarming messages...

Ashley, (thanks for the IT service!) I know about self fulfilling prophecy, and i will examine it again. For now I can only say that I suspect it has a lot to do with chemical imbalance (the stuff our brains do not produce or overproduce or whatever) and I don't know how that is influenced. Of course our thoughts have an impact, as well as behaviour, food, health etc. Though it is sometimes obvious where the Darkness comes from, ever so often it is not. At least not to me. When Im not feeling depressed, I don't focus on its return, honestly. But I can't help what I know. Therefore I feel I need proper AD along with therapy.

I'll let you know how it went tomorrow!

Diamond

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Oh, this is such an excellent, excellent thread Diamond. Thank you so much for sharing. You can be sure that if you are feeling this way... other people here looking for help are feeling much the same but don't yet have the courage to post about it the way you do. You are very articulate and expressive. Your words help me to really feel your pain... although part of that is simply recognition of myself in what you describe. It took me forever to become confident about posting in the forums. It takes courage to post when it brings such panic... but I can assure you that it does get better... easier. I think it is a very important part of the healing that takes place here. Your posting not only helps you to "hear" your words better but it helps the rest of us know we are not alone in this.

Keep posting! Keep reading! And do let us know how the visit to the depression center goes.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11216

Hello again Diamond,

When you are first starting with the program it can be hard to determine what triggers the Depression. The more you work on it the more you will discover and the more able you will be to control it. I know right now that might seem impossible but I can assure you it is not.

Focusing on the return of Depression can certainly be a self fufilling prophecy. Next time you are feeling good and you are able to catch yourseful focusing on the possible return of Depression what can you change your thoughts too? What would you like to focus on instead?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 19

Thank you Ashley, I needed to hear that.

Its also a good reminder to say that I am not my depression. I've thought about that, and although I know its true, it almost feels like I am! I think I have been depressed since age 13, maybe even longer. So the feelings and thoughts that come with the disease, are very intertwined (is that a good word? My profile says Im from Canada, I don't know why, because I'm from the Netherlands - already send a message to TS) with my personality.

When I'm more or less OK, I can easily see how I am not my depression. When its very active however, it is very, very personal and even the thought "it will pass" is no comfort because I know it will come back as well. I am "happy" with an hour relief, or a few hours. Knowing it will come back is very disencouraging.

Then again, its almost midday, and I feel rather good, even though I've done nothing special, and not even taken my meds yet! Yesterday was a bad, bad day, I was a wreck when I went to sleep. I have no idea how this disease works, can not connect it to food, sleep, activities, its there or it isn't, and when it isn't I don't have negative thoughts either.

Tomorrow is my appointment with the Depression Center in this area. Fingers crossed that the waiting list to start therapy will not be long!

Diamond

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11216

Diamond,

First of all, there is nothing to be ashamed about. You are being honest and that takes courage. I know many members can relate to what you are going through. Also, you are not your depression. Remember depression is a disorder it is not a part of you or your personality so do not beat yourself up over how you are feeling.

Also, keep in mind that honestly writing out how you are feeling is also a great way to examine possible negative distortions in your thinking. Language really shapes how we see the world and by examining your language you can really see your perspective. Telling yourself that you are pathetic for being depressed is a cognititve distortion and is not contructive. How I see it is you are honest, strong, articulate and fighting hard to take control of this. How do you feel reading this?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

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Hello, Diamond here with story and questions