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15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 20

Losing my job

Hi Grumbles --

Thanks for the words of encouragement. It's not like I won't have a job when/if I'm ready to go back to work. They will have to find me another, equivalent, position.

I am having trouble staying motivated, and social, that's one of the reasons I'm working on the CBT program here.

On an upbeat note - my son took a couple days off work and drove (10 hours) to visit family, and I was invited to go with him! It was so nice to be able to talk to my sisters in person instead of on the phone! And it was nice to spend some mom & son time, too.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 20

Just one of my struggles

I've been off work for 13 months now and I feel like I'm no better now than I was this time last year - which is making me feel even worse because I have a tendency to ruminate. I have started working on this issue with my new therapist so am trying not to beat myself up when I find myself slipping back into old habits but I'm finding it hard to stop. No one is giving me a hard time about being off work for so long - not my therapist, my psych doc or my family. They tell me they just want me to get better and to do whatever it takes to get there.

However, I do have one friend (who also suffers from depression) who tells me she thinks I'm "milking the system for all it's worth" and won't go back to work until my disability insurance runs out. Those are the words I keep hearing when I start thinking about where I am right now. I don't think I'm doing that so why do I listen to the one negative comment instead of all the supportive ones? Why do I give her words more weight than any else's?

Doubting myself - dragonfly

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 20

Just one of my struggles

Ashley & Diva -

Thanks for your replies. I know I'm being hard on myself and will try and be kinder to myself in the future. I felt better just being able to write out my feelings - and know that I'll get some positive support here.

Ashley, I like your idea of listing what I've done for myself this past year to get healthy. That's going on my activity schedule for tomorrow.

Dragonfly

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 20

Just one of my struggles

Hi Diva --

You're right - it is easier to be kind and supportive to someone else than to yourself. So today, after a very stressful morning, I took myself out for a late lunch. And I did feel better afterwards. Perhaps we both need to do something kind for ourselves every day.

You asked what I put on my list of things I've done over the past year towards getting healthy so here is what I've been able to come up with. It took me a long time to come up with this list - my mind automatically went to all the things I think I "should" have been able to do.
   - participated in a CBT Basics course
   - learned about mindful meditation
   - identified one very powerful core belief that needs changing
   - went to most of the monthly dinners with a group of friends
   - paid a surprise visit to my sisters
   - painted glassware and sold it at a local craft fair

Any way, that's all I have the energy to write about tonight.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 20

Headlines in Mental Health, Part I

For me it was just the opposite. I wasn't part of the "in" crowd. I did have a few friends - same ones I had gone to school with since grade 1. But I was painfully shy - always sat in the back row and very rarely put my hand up to answer questions even though I always knew the right answer. Being the centre of attention was very frightening. With the clarity of hindsight, I can see now that even then I was living according to my core belief that I wasn't important, what I had to say wasn't important and my needs weren't important. When I was in grade 9 I took my father's razor and started slicing my wrists - not deeply enough to do any real damage. But guess what - no one noticed and that just strengthened that same belief.

So for today's young people I would encourage them to find someone they trust to talk to about whatever is bothering them. Don't keep everything inside and let it fester. That can only lead to pain and suffering years later.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 20

Just one of my struggles

Hi Wildcat --

I've never thought looking at taking time off work in a positive light. I'll give it a try. When I'm journalling I'll try to stop focusing on not feeling better yet and what's not working, and focus on the positive things I'm doing to get better. Thanks! I have gone back to work too soon before and at first it was okay but it didn't take long for the struggles to start up again.

The problem with the friend I mentioned is that, for her, work is something positive in her life. She's said many times that she looks at taking time off work as a last resort. And even though I've told her that's not the case for me, I still feel her disapproval that I'm not going back yet. This has caused a real rift in our friendship. She also keeps wanting me to talk to her about how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking, but I'm not ready for that kind of conversation yet and I feel attacked whenever she brings up the subject. I've told her that I'm not like another friend of hers who will just let it all out. (Sigh)

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 20

Can't beat the depression

Hi Mom of 3 --

I can relate to your work situation - feeling like you're under a microscope is extremely stressful. I too started making mistakes, one of which could have led to a serious situation (but didn't) but wasn't believed when I said I honestly thought that I'd done what I was supposed to do. I ended up off work for 6 months. My back to work meeting started out being disciplinary & focused on this mistake, until I told my boss how her actions and attitudes towards me were feeding into one of my irrational core beliefs. Since then she has been somewhat better. Moral of this story is that I had to teach her how I needed to be treated in order to function well at work.

Would that work for you? Can you teach your co-workers how to treat you? I wrote out what I needed to say to my boss and practiced it with my therapist before the back to work meeting. I took the note with me, put it on the table and ended up being able to speak from my heart - a very empowering moment for me. Shortly after I went back to work one of my co-workers came to me and said she had seen a special on TV about depression that really opened her eyes - she said she didn't realize how debilitating depression can be, not only emotionally but physically as well. Would your co-workers be open to learning more about depression? The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health has on online resource called Depressive Illness: An Information Guide - it is a great resource

Hang in there.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 20

Tips for Relaxing at Work

I usually carry a sort of "survival kit" with me whevever I go, including work. It includes a CD player with my mindfulness meditation CD ready to go, my journal, my Don't Should on Yourself booklet, and my Depression Tool Kit booklet. When I've been in a stressful situation, I will excuse myself, go find a quiet corner/office/meeting room and listen to the mindfulness CD. That usually helps enough that I can finish the day. If I need something more, I'll write in my journal and debrief myself there.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 20

List of Good Things That Have Happened Recently

I found a new GP!

Hopefully this one will be around for a while, unlike the last one.

I ate a healthy dinner tonight.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 20

Resolving past hurts

My therapist is away for 3 weeks and then I'm away for 3 weeks and I won't see her until the middle of July, so I'm going to post here to contine the work we began during our last 2 sessions. (I'm also attending a bi-weekly support group in the same clinic for more general support, but that's not the place to discuss specific issues.)

We were starting to work on the anger I have towards my father, anger that I didn't realize I had until recently. Briefly, when I was 19 my parents divorced, and my father remarried when I was 21 (6 months after I got married). At the time I believe I was trying to be "grown up" about the whole thing, and kept up a relationship with my dad and his new wife. After we moved to a different province and city, that relationship started to become, well, strained. I began to realize that I was the one who was initiating contact, it was very rare for them to call me. Eventually there was a period of about 9 years when there was very little contact. It took me being admitted to hospital during a severe depressive episode for my dad to begin calling again. That was just a year before he passed away. That wasn't enough time to rebuild a strong, trusting relationship where I could have talked to him.

So now I'm trying to resolve this anger without being able to talk to him. My therapist suggested I begin by writing letters to him from the perspective of the 19 year old, then from an older self. I've been doing that and I seem to find more and more things I'm angry about - things he did and didn't do. It is helping getting these feelings onto paper, but I'm not sure what I'm going to do with all the letters when they're done except I will probably share them with my sisters because they know I'm having this anger issue.

I'll be seeing my dad's widow at my niece's wedding reception while I'm away and I'm concerned about what I might say to her. I'm having a hard time with the fact that she and my dad didn't come to my daughter's wedding, yet here she is travelling across the country for my niece's. That sounds really childish now that I've written it but it's what I'm feeling! Do I tell her about my hurt and anger or just suck it up and be nice?

Sorry for the long post but this is really preying on my mind right now.

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