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today's top discussions:

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manager pretty much of bulling

grassdigger

2021-09-13 9:34 PM

Anxiety Community

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Kindnof bullying

Ashley -> Health Educator

2021-09-05 2:39 PM

Anxiety Community

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Dealing with depression and anxiety and starting to feel lonely.

asi

2021-09-03 4:31 PM

Depression Community

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Divorce.....what???

Ashley -> Health Educator

2021-08-20 4:02 PM

Depression Community

This Month’s Most Loved Posts:

Browse through 411389 posts in 46961 threads.

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10 years ago 0 Pete 223 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Clinging to depression

Me too, really. I've been depressed and mired in social phobia all my adult life, but only in the last three years have I been 'diagnosed' and had a label to stick to it. But I feel no different from the way I always have.
 
That label seems to give me a legitimacy, an identity amidst the doubt and fear. If I lose that now,  I don't know what can take its place. I can come to forums like this, see psychologists and counsellors, and it feels like my unhappiness will be taken seriously, that I'm not just an old misery.
10 years ago 0 Pete 223 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Clinging to depression

Ashley:

Interesting about motivation. I've mentioned on other threads, I think, that I go to a weekly creative writing workshop. Well, I don't go every week because sometimes I get very discouraged about my abilities, and sometimes I am intimidated by having my writing praised.
 
Usually I enjoy the sessions, and the novelty of meeting and getting to know new people. Believe me, that's not something I do very often, or usually relish. In fact, this is the only social life I have had or wanted for countless years.
 
But every Saturday morning, I have to persuade, almost bully, myself to go along, and I'm riven with doubt and a desire to flee until the moment I arrive and I'm committed to being there, and there is no escape to be had without drawing attention to myself.
 
I do wonder why I go the bother of making myself do it, and why I stress myself like this over something that is meant to be pleasurable. Perhaps because for once I stuck my neck out and got out there, did something new, met new people, and sadly I'm proud of doing that and don't wish to let it go. Or maybe I have this puffed-up idea of myself as a capable writer and don't want to admit that I can't hack it.........



10 years ago 0 Pete 223 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Positivity

'Someone of value' would, I suppose, be someone for whom I could feel respect and affection. 

I know that other people view me differently from the way I view myself, but what they see is me playing roles, and playing them well. Father, son, brother, colleague and employee - all these feel like duties I discharge efficiently, whilst all the while concealing what I am really feeling and experiencing. So as far as those around me are concerned - no need for me to change. I function okay, I'm a regular member of society.
 
But I know I'm just doing what is expected of me, and it's basically empty.

Peel the masks away and it's a different story. I've made it clear here how I feel about myself, how I despise myself, how I can't force myself to doubt or challenge what I see when I look at myself. 
10 years ago 0 Pete 223 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Positivity

I do not think it would be a good idea to show myself - real and as I truly am - to any of the people around me. I would then end up truly lonely because nobody would want to know me.
 
I don't want anyone to genuinely know me. I know me and am not impressed with what I see.
 
I am really - really - not a nice guy, and I have good reason to be ashamed of myself. I can't say any more because the moderators here would edit it out anyway.
 
These roles I act out are the only possible way for me to lead any kind of normal, day-to-day life. Perhaps I do not deserve that.
10 years ago 0 Pete 223 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Positivity

...sorry I've got much too self-indulgent and completely pulled this thread off-topic, and made it just about me.....I apologise and will shut up now....
10 years ago 0 Pete 223 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Positivity

Vincenza,

Thank you for your kind words. It's nice to be described as brave, and honest, and open. For once, I'll try not to argue with that, but take it at face value.
10 years ago 0 Pete 223 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hopeful

Hi and welcome
 
You've landed in a good place. I've always found the members and professionals here to be wise and supportive.
 
Pete
10 years ago 0 Pete 223 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Getting to know members - How do you spend your time 2

Hi Ashley
 
I'm probably not unique in this, but I don't feel I have a lot of choice as to how I spend most of my time. I have to go to work, I have to do domestic tasks. The leisure time I have - well, I'm mostly too tired, physically and mentally, to do much constructive with that at all. I feel dissatisfied that I've wasted my free time but have no idea what activities would make me feel that I hadn't wasted it. Things I should enjoy just don't 'stick', don't stimulate as they should, and I get bored.
10 years ago 0 Pete 223 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Getting to know members - How do you spend your time 2

To be honest with you, Ashley, given a totally free choice I probably would never get out of bed...
10 years ago 0 Pete 223 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Getting to know members - How do you spend your time 2

How would I answer if it was me talking and not my depression?
 
I've thought about that, and assuming that I can separate myself from how I feel...in a perfect world, with a free choice of how to spend my time, how would I spend it and what would I do?
 
(Pause)
 
(Pause)
 
It's no good, I just don't know. There is nothing about which I daydream, or think '...if only I had the time to do that, or see this, or meet him or her...'