I´m Back

So, I had a good cry and I didn't stuff my feelings which is necessary to keep from having anxiety and panic.  I prayed, I took a walk, I got a Starbucks coffee and I talked with an acquaintance.  And, I made small talk and engaged with others around me and we laughed and enjoyed the moment.  I feel God spoke to me this morning when I was quiet and still.  "You have to be open, like a child, and believe."  I added my thoughts to this statement afterward, "Like before you were told by people what you can and can't do.  And, before you learned to fear from parents, friends, family and life's experiences that shaped me."  After talking with God and my acquaintance, I will share what I/we discovered.  Be yourself and focus on yourself.  Be comfortable in your own skin.  Go out and do what you want to do in life.  And, you'll run into someone who is doing the same thing.  My acquaintance gives me hope.  If I can connect with this person, I can connect with others.  I don't have to change who I am for everyone else.  God made me who I am and I accept myself and that's all that matters.  Some people in the world see what they can get from you.  And, when you don't have it, they ditch you and move on.  But, there are still people like me out there and I will eventually run into them.  No one has the right to judge me and tell me that I'm too sensitive or whatever.  They can move on.  When you look for people, they run.  When you are focused on yourself and are living and enjoying your life, your light shines and you are a magnet to people.  I don't care what anyone thinks anymore.  I surrender to God and He's got this.  God is how I cope and I am not trying to push that on anyone.  I'm just giving insight into my background so, you can understand me better.

I´m Back

The last two days I barely survived.  The grief came in crashing waves because, of the loss of my Mother.  I don't think I can make it down here, for another six months, being alone and isolated, before Dad and I move to PA to be near family and friends.  It's hard for Dad and I to comfort each other because, we're both in the state of grief, if that makes sense.  Dad is stubborn and refuses to leave any earlier.  He told me I can leave.  I can't handle his anger and bad days, let alone my grief.  I don't want to abandon him.  But, my health, from stress is going down the tubes.  He is in good health and has 20/20 vision.  Because, I have a car, he never got one.  So, I drive him everywhere and he's an impatient passenger.  It's extremely stressful to be in the car with him.  He keeps telling me I should go back to my abusive ex and I can't do that.  It's hurtful and makes me mad that he would even suggest it.  I'm concerned, if I leave early, Dad will not get a place in PA and move in with his brother in NY.  And, I'll be abandoned and stuck with an abusive ex or end up in a homeless shelter.  I can't pretend things are alright anymore.  They're not.  I've tried going to various churches but, feel like I don't belong.  In Home Hospice was supportive when Mom was in their care.  But, now we're forgotten.  It's hard to keep trying when you continuously run into dead ends all of the time. 

I´m Back

Some really bad things happened.  My Dad was verbally and emotionally abusive to me.  I forgive him but, he severed his relationship with me.  I've locked myself in my room ever since.  I have a friend flying down to help me drive to Maryland this Friday afternoon.  I can't fix it with my Dad.  When Mom died, Dad took all of his anger out on me and blamed me for everything.  I can't take responsibility for his actions.  I can't live here any longer.  The Christian Counselor was teaching me to value myself, and set boundaries, and communicate with my Dad.  It didn't work.  Dad pushed me away and I feel like I've lost both parents.  I forgive him and I will leave him a note and ask him to forgive me.  I'm going to keep going and keep hope alive.

I´m Back

My two Chihuahuas and Dwarf Hamster and I have been in a hotel since yesterday.  The dogs are happy and running around which tells me the stress and negativity back at Dad's apt. was really bad.  Well, it's all about attitude.  What I've learned from the counselor and from two new friends is that I can't take responsibility for everyone and everything that happens in life.  My Dad is in good health and he has 20/20 vision.  He's a grown man and he can do what he wants.  Neighbors and workers will check in on him.  I can't stay in an abusive situation.  And, having said that, this will sound hypocritical.  My verbally and emotionally abusive ex is the "friend" I mentioned in the post below who is flying down and driving me back home.  I have no where to go.  My girlfriend said if things get bad with him, I can move in with her, but she has to clear out a bedroom used for storage.  Her son is a heroine addict and she's got her hands full.  And, that's a stressful environment to put me and my pets in.  All of us living in one room.  At least at my home, I've got a fenced half acre for the dogs.  And, I have the whole house to myself for 12 hours during weekdays while he's at work.  And, on the weekends he's doing yard work.  We lived like roommates before.  He lives upstairs and I live downstairs.  His contention is money.  I'm going to try to use my new communication skills to keep things okay.  And, stay in budget.  I've left four times over the past 16 years and I always end up back there.  Well, the positives are that everything is familiar and it's a quiet, peaceful town.  It's isolating and lonely but, the world is like that now with people being inward with technology.  I am learning to adapt.  I've, also, decided to get chickens.  It's on my bucket list.  So, I'll have things to do.  I've had a lot of people who have said, get a job and live on your own.  In the U.S. minimum wage is 7 to 8 dollars per hour.  I'd be on food stamps and living in a ghetto or in a halfway house.  That is not the life I choose to live.  I think I realize that life is what it is.  But, it's not a movie where you get everything you want or life is easy.  I'm doing the best I can and I'm not worrying about what anyone thinks.  I'm the only one who can live my life.  I just found out a dear friend passed away.  It's been a lot lately but, I'm focusing on today and I'm moving forward into the future.  All the hurts of the past are just thoughts that can pass right through my mind without me entertaining them.  It's hard with the hurtful things my Dad said, but I let them pass on through.  Soon, the thoughts will get quieter and quieter until they are silent.  And, I did not abandon my Dad.  He told me to leave.  I have to be aware of my thoughts and replace the negative ones with positive true statements and believe them.  I love my Dad, I forgive my Dad and I told him that.  I made peace with him before I left and he is responsible for his own thoughts and actions. 

I´m Back

I drove 9 of the 12 hours back home.  Two hours after arriving, my puppy got sick and she died.  My other dog is depressed and sad and my anxiety is sky high.  I, also, found out a dear friend of mine died two weeks before my Mom.  I don't know how to handle any of this anymore.  I just keep going through and I pray the continuous barrage of painful experiences subsides and good things start to happen.  I'm waiting to see how my other dog and I adjust after we settle in.  If we're still not good, I'm thinking about adopting another tiny dog.  Are there any Health Educator's on here who can help me?

I´m Back

Are there any support group members who can help me?  

I´m Back

Well, I had a good night's sleep.  And, I'll end this thread on a positive note.  Lack of sleep causes huge anxiety so, if you are anxious, just know that it's temporary and you'll feel better in the morning.  I am looking at the death of my puppy in a different way now.  She was sickly and was going to die no matter what I did.  So, I look at the good.  She came into my life at the perfect time.  She helped me get through my Mother's death and she was my other dog's best friend.  And, she too, received more love from me and my dog than anyone else could have loved her.  We belonged together for the short time she had on earth.  If I had known the outcome, I still would have chosen her.  I have no regrets.  She was an Angel on earth and now she is an Angel in heaven.  She's with my Mother and one day I will see them again.  What a happy day that will be.  Regarding my emotionally and verbally abusive ex.  I have changed over the past year and three months.  I am not the same.  It takes two people to live in dysfunction.  I communicate better and he is responding kinder.  I'm not saying it's going to be perfect but, it's where I'm supposed to be.  He is more compassionate because, of everything I have been through.  So, put the past behind, stand in the present and don't worry about the future.  We're all going to survive this crazy thing called life.

Social Isolation and Staying Active

Hi Ashley,

It's Shari. Just a quick intro and recap before answering your question. I've successfully completed the Anxiety Course and I have continued to manage anxiety well and I don't have panic attacks anymore. I can shut down the sequence and talk myself out of it. I've been practicing coping skills for 7 years now. I've joined Healthy Weight and I've joined the Depression Course as well. I will work each course at my own pace and one at a time. I know I will have success with these two courses, because I had success from the Anxiety Course. I'm thankful for Evolution Health Care and for you. Your support is valuable in success along with the community.

To stay active during the 14 month mandatory stay at home order, I continue to maintain three types of exercise. I have an exercise bike that I love. I turn on a movie and I ride 5 miles daily. It's about 20 minutes, but I burn 200 calories daily. The second type of exercise is nature walks. I'm fortunate to live on 2 and 1/3 acres. I have a half acre fenced yard and I walk laps for 20 - 60 minutes depending on the weather. The exercise bike is important, because I can still exercise when it's too cold, too hot, or when it's raining. I, also, love to dance with music too. When the US has herd immunity, I'd like to go back to walking at a park that's close by. It's 2.63 miles in an infinity shape, or shape of an 8. It loops around a lake with geese and there is a beautiful path through the forest. I walked with my husband there, before COVID, and will enjoy walking there again some day. It's one hour of walking at the park. I don't think of it as exercise. It's a stress reliever and soothing to walk in nature. And the exercise bike, helps with burning excess energy and stress.

It's so good to be back. And, it's so good to see your beautiful profile pic, Ashley.

P.S. I see this question was posted a year ago. I hope there will be more involvement of community and the Health Educators will be available. It helps a lot to have support. But, even if I have to do it on my own, I will.

Social Isolation and Staying Active

Hi Ashley!

Thank you for the warm welcome back!

My life has changed tremendously for the better since anxiety has been under control for 7 years. I have 100% freedom and there are no limits to what I can participate in now. I flew around the world and went to a foreign country by myself. I replaced negative self talk with positive true statements, so I didn't get off the first flight like I wanted to. When I landed at the first airport, after a 5 hour flight, my confidence went through the roof! I couldn't believe I flew, because the fear of flying was my worst fear. I talked myself through the second leg of the trip which was a 12 hour flight. I stayed in Korea for 10 days. I didn't know the language, but I was able to find my way around. When I hopped on the plane back to the States, it was like hopping in my car. I didn't even think about it. I was in a backward facing seat and I was fine. I had a great seat mate and we went to the galley and laughed with the flight attendants and it was extremely enjoyable. The time flew by. I remember when we were descending, I looked out of the window and told myself to soak up this moment of joy, because it may be a while before you can fly somewhere again. I flew 35 hours in 10 days! Once I got rid of the biggest fear, fear of flying, I wasn't afraid of anything afterward. All of the little fears completely disappeared. Now, the whole world is open to me. When the world has less of a COVID concern, I plan on flying to Stockholm, Sweden with my daughter for a two week vacation with a stop over in Paris! I know I can do it, because I've done it before. And, I'm excited about new adventures, not afraid. Getting through the world wide plague in isolation for 14 months was challenging. But, I got over being uncomfortable about being left alone with my thoughts and feelings. I learned a lot about myself. And, there were a lot of positive things that occurred that would not have if there wasn't a global pandemic. So, good came from it. I know I'm strong and I have self-love which is huge progress!

Forest bathing (walking in nature) is very soothing. During quarantine, I accidentally discovered a new passion. I bought a self-care gift box online and inside was a tiny air plant! I never knew that air plants existed prior to receiving the box. Once I held the plant, I fell in love immediately. I'm happily busy collecting various cultivar and continually researching and just enjoying life! The air plant hobby has helped me tremendously in weight loss. I'm so passionate about them, that I am in the zone. Time flies and I don't think about food, or snacks. I stop to eat three times a day when my stomach gives me signals of actual hunger instead of partaking in emotional eating. I have other hobbies that keep me busy too. I have Betta fish which are really easy care and they are very soothing to watch. I crochet, knit, draw, listen to music, sing, dance, etc. Limitless things to do. Keeping happily busy makes everything easier.

I ride my exercise bike 5 miles every day and first thing in the morning. That way I stay consistent. I reward myself with a cup of coffee after.

I have set goals around both exercising and eating healthy. Exercising has become part of my routine like brushing my teeth. I don't even think about it. I just turn on the TV, as a distraction, and the time flies. I would say that 97% of the food I bring into my house is natural and healthy: fresh fruits, vegetables, chicken, salmon, tuna, etc. I love naval oranges, so it's a treat to eat one daily. I look forward to it and they are such a sweet fruit. I eat fruit if I crave sugar and it works every time. I don't even eat candy anymore. I've been drinking water for the past 4 years, so it's another habit that I don't even think about anymore. I rarely eat out. I'm sleeping much better now and I feel much better.

I've lost 5 lbs. in two weeks! Yea! This is what's working for me: portion size, distracting myself from eating and thinking about food, soothing myself with self-care, not eating, reducing stress by trying to change the source of stress and if I can't change it, I accept it and learn how to calm my stress and self-soothe. I self-soothe with hobbies and meditation. I let go of tension in my neck, shoulders, jaw, deep breathing, exhaling and dropping my shoulders and letting my body sink in my chair (repeat).

I almost forgot! I have a fruit and vegetable garden! The tomatoes, cucumbers, squash, blueberries, melons, etc. are absolutely delicious when you pick them straight from the garden!

I'm so happy you will be checking posts weekly - yea! What great encouragement! I look forward to continuing this wonderful journey with you and with members.

Enjoy your week!

Shari

Social Isolation and Staying Active

Hi Ashley!

*Updated

I am prepared for obstacles! I know my triggers! When I was upset, I used to go to the fridge. But, eating doesn't solve what you're upset about, it only makes you more upset after you comfort yourself with food. When I am upset, I journal, I take a walk and get some fresh air, I problem-solve, I self-soothe and I accept things I can't change. Also, I got rid of my all or nothing thinking. If you eat a cookie, you haven't blown it and you don't have to quit. Just let it go, and continue on with your healthy lifestyle.

*It's important, when I feel overwhelmed, to reduce stress. My favorite part about my plant hobby is propagation just like you. With Tillandsia (air plants) I soak them once a week and dip them 3 - 4 days later. I ended up with so many, that I had to soak them in rotating shifts and it took 5 hours! So, I kept my favorites and decided to specialize in King Kong (Butzii x Ionantha). My Dad's neighbors had so much fun adopting over half of the Tillies that I had collected and raised from pups. Now, I can enjoy them and I enjoy caring for them in the number that I am most comfortable. So, anytime things become too much, I prioritize and downsize. It's good for your health, mentally, physically, emotionally. We can't eliminate all stress. But, reducing what we can will can really makes a huge difference. Also, I found great homes for my two Betta fish. I've enjoyed them for years, but recently it has become an unnecessary stress. The filters would break down and it was a constant financial drain to replace, replace, replace. I ended up having to do water changes, several times and my back protested. I feel freedom in that, when it is safe to travel within the States, I can travel again. I'm not tied down to fish at the house. And, I've shared the enjoyment of them with a friend, just like the propagated plants. Any time anything negative pops in my mind, I just say three things that make me shift my focus from the trouble of the world. I personalized it, so it has importance and meaning and it's effective every time. "The negative news of the world won't weigh me down. I am vaccinated and will keep up with boosters and I wear a mask. I will retire to Florida and I will spend time with my daughter." It puts everything into perspective. I can still be safe and have my plans in life and I will do them when the timing is right. I have peace and I'm content. No matter what. Lastly, I went through all the stuff I accumulated throughout 2020. Being stuck at home, I shopped online. It got me through, but yikes, the clutter. Now, that I can go out twice a week for coffee with a mask, and I'm not stuck in the house 24/7, I can go out and do things and I don't buy things online anymore. Clutter gives me a cluttered mind and it makes me uneasy and unnecessarily anxious. So, I did a spring cleaning in summer. I gave others joy by giving them what I enjoyed during quarantine. And, now my bedroom is more of that as a minimalist. I sleep well with less stuff and now I'm saving money for my retirement again instead of spending it. I don't think anything I bought was a waste. It got me through a difficult time. I supported many Artists financially with purchasing their one of a kind pieces of art. And, now I get to share their art with others. So, it's a win, win, win, situation. Sometimes you have to live your life and do whatever gets you through. It's all good.