I should probably write in my blog section. The dating site is very negative. You have to be mentally strong and thick skinned to take constant rejection, scammers, disappointment and scary people. There are a lot of red flags. Two people I'm talking to, I wouldn't pursue a relationship with either of them. So, I shouldn't talk to them because, I feel isolated, alone and lonely. I've had some third date scary revelations from dates in the past. I wondered why I punish myself on this dating site. Now, I just had a light bulb moment. I'm used to abuse from my ex. So, I am subconsciously, in familiar territory and in a sick and twisted way, the familiarity is making me comfortable. It's what I know. So, time to delete my dating site profile.
My Dad is extremely negative. I, finally, encouraged myself once again. Then, he proceeded to tell me every negative horror story on the news and it sucked out what little life I had left in me. So, I'm back on here encouraging myself by writing a post. It's therapeutic. I can do this! I want to encourage others. If I can do this, you can too! Never give up!
Update from my last post. For self-care: I called to make an appointment with a Grief Counselor to learn coping skills, I called to receive information about a Grief Support Group, I'm going to Chinese Acupressure for a shoulder injury I have. If that doesn't work, I'll make a Doctor appointment. After deleting my dating profile, I decided to try a new approach. I went back on the site and stated that I'm looking to date and nothing serious. It gets me out of the house, polishes my social skills and I'm mentally stronger and thicker skinned. I take it as having coffee with a stranger (meeting at a public place in broad daylight). Zero expectations but, it keeps me out among the living instead of staying in my room being depressed and focused on the loss of my Mother. I think online dating is a bad source for a relationship because, most men on there just want to hook up. Church would be a better place but, Christians are flawed as well and are sometimes judgmental. I focus on the positives in my life and I'm thankful for what I have. All I know is that whatever happens, I'll be fine.
P.S. I'm still not giving up on finding friends or a boyfriend. I keep putting myself out there. I'm trying to think of 25 new places to go. Different actions have different results. No one will knock on my door, I need to keep going out. I signed up for a one night painting class on October 20th. So, I have something to look forward to. Re: a boyfriend. Over the past few months I have gained self-love, self-respect and I'm my own best friend. If someone can add to my life then that's great. But, I have standards and I will not settle. I would rather be alone with my two Chihuahuas and Hamster before getting into a bad relationship again. I'm proud of myself for how far I've come. If I know someone isn't right for me, I let it go right away. If there is a red flag, I let it go and move on. In the past I would have continued because, I was lonely. I am enough. And, sharing my life with someone is a choice. It's not because, I can't make it on my own. I am making it on my own and I like being independent. It's great not having to depend on anyone but, yourself. And, when I'm whole, I can be whole with someone else. Regardless, of being single or in a relationship, I know I will be just fine.
I went back on Meetup, which is a hobby group site, to see if there were any new groups in my area. And, there are! I signed up for Salsa Dance classes which I've always wanted to learn. The group is meeting this Sunday. The Organizer said it's not a dating group but, many members have found their lifetime partners there. I also joined a Line Dancing group (I used to go for ten years back in MD), a Walking Group, an Improv Group and a Holistic Life group which has gentle Yoga classes. I'm just starting with the one class this Sunday. I'll try the various group events and see where I fit. So, this is positive and it's exercise and it's a win win. Hopefully, I can find connections with friends outside of the dating site so, I can get off of there permanently.
Still no one to talk to so, I'm thankful for this site. At least I feel like I'm heard. None of the Grief Counselors have returned my calls. So, I'm focusing on what I can control. I revamped my dating profile to, hopefully, weed out players. I tried to state what I'm not looking for, in the most positive way possible. Because, stating what I am looking for doesn't seem to filter anyone out. It's just one small part of my life. I have many pots on the burners so to speak. The more you things have to do, it keeps you from stewing too much over one area of your life. Hopefully, I'll have something more exciting (in a positive way) to write about next time. I'll be going to an afternoon dance class tomorrow (Sun., Oct. 16, 2016). No expectations other than to get out and have a little endorphin releasing exercise.
Bad day. Not with anxiety but, fighting off depression. I did a lot of research online about if it's better to live near family and friends when a loved one has died. And, it was 100% yes because, they are your social network. You're surrounded by people who care about you and it's, literally, good for you. You are healthier, live longer, have fewer illnesses and fewer hospitalizations and you're making memories. So, I decided I wanted to move centrally located to loved ones which is PA. I talked with my Dad about it this morning and he shot it down. So, instead of feeling trapped in MD in an abusive relationship with my ex, I'm now trapped in FL isolated and alone. Same situation. Dad is stubborn, negative and depressed. He refuses counseling, support groups and doesn't want to make new friends. He just wants to sit in a chair with his cat on his lap and wait to die to be with Mom. He's lost weight and the will to live. I had to watch my Mom deteriorate over the course of a year and die. And, now it's happening again with my Dad. It's a fact that many people pass a year or two after a spouse dies from a broken heart. I'm left alone to take care of everything. I'm mad at myself because, I am 54 and I never lived my life. I lived it for everyone else. I know there are no problems, only solutions I haven't thought of yet. I thought about being a snowbird and living part time near family and friends up north and part time with Dad in the south.
P.S. I canceled a date with someone I'm not really interested in. And, he sent me a slew of nasty texts. Good call on my part. I don't have the energy to waste on fake strangers who portray themselves one way and then curse you out sideways in the next breath. Jerk.
The dance I was going to was a bust. No one signed up to go but me, so I stayed home. There's a painting class I signed up for on the 20th. I'm thinking I'll just let them keep the money I paid for it and spare myself another disappointment.
I deleted all dating accounts and meetup hobby group accounts. The men on there are rude and scary. The last date I had was in a ghetto in Orlando (I didn't know at the time or I wouldn't have gone). It turns out he used to be in a gang and fought pit bulls. If I keep going out with crazy people, I'm going to end up getting killed in an alley way somewhere and I don't have a death wish. I'll just accept being alone with my dogs. It's better than the alternative.
My Dad isn't going to kill himself but, he talks about wanting to die all of the time and he's depressed and negative. I can't be around him anymore. It's effecting me mentally, emotionally and physical. The stress is overwhelming. I don't want to leave him but, I don't want to deteriorate here along with him. He won't relocate to be around family and friends. I'm at the end of my rope. I can't take this environment it's horrible. The only choices are abandon my Dad or save myself. I told him I don't want to hear about his death wish anymore. I'm angry with him for being so selfish and putting me through all of this after I had to take care of everything for Mom. Does he think I'm not suffering from the loss of my Mother too? I have no social support here in Florida.
Well, all that was left to do was pray and a miracle happened. I should have gone to God first. Dad, finally, came up with a schedule for us. We're going to the free gym at our apt. on M/W/F for 30 minutes to walk on the treadmill and/or ride the stationary bike. On T/Th we're going to Panera for coffee and pastries or lunch. Sat. is shopping for food for us and the pets. And, Sun. we're going to church and getting involved in what they have going on there.
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