P.S.  I canceled a date with someone I'm not really interested in.  And, he sent me a slew of nasty texts.  Good call on my part.  I don't have the energy to waste on fake strangers who portray themselves one way and then curse you out sideways in the next breath.  Jerk.  

Bad day.  Not with anxiety but, fighting off depression.  I did a lot of research online about if it's better to live near family and friends when a loved one has died.  And, it was 100% yes because, they are your social network.  You're surrounded by people who care about you and it's, literally, good for you.  You are healthier, live longer, have fewer illnesses and fewer hospitalizations and you're making memories.  So, I decided I wanted to move centrally located to loved ones which is PA.  I talked with my Dad about it this morning and he shot it down.  So, instead of feeling trapped in MD in an abusive relationship with my ex, I'm now trapped in FL isolated and alone.  Same situation.  Dad is stubborn, negative and depressed.  He refuses counseling, support groups and doesn't want to make new friends.  He just wants to sit in a chair with his cat on his lap and wait to die to be with Mom.  He's lost weight and the will to live.  I had to watch my Mom deteriorate over the course of a year and die.  And, now it's happening again with my Dad.  It's a fact that many people pass a year or two after a spouse dies from a broken heart.  I'm left alone to take care of everything.  I'm mad at myself because, I am 54 and I never lived my life.  I lived it for everyone else.  I know there are no problems, only solutions I haven't thought of yet.  I thought about being a snowbird and living part time near family and friends up north and part time with Dad in the south.  

Still no one to talk to so, I'm thankful for this site.  At least I feel like I'm heard.  None of the Grief Counselors have returned my calls.  So, I'm focusing on what I can control.  I revamped my dating profile to, hopefully, weed out players.  I tried to state what I'm not looking for, in the most positive way possible.  Because, stating what I am looking for doesn't seem to filter anyone out.  It's just one small part of my life.  I have many pots on the burners so to speak.  The more you things have to do, it keeps you from stewing too much over one area of your life.  Hopefully, I'll have something more exciting (in a positive way) to write about next time.  I'll be going to an afternoon dance class tomorrow (Sun., Oct. 16, 2016).  No expectations other than to get out and have a little endorphin releasing exercise.

I went back on Meetup, which is a hobby group site, to see if there were any new groups in my area.  And, there are!  I signed up for Salsa Dance classes which I've always wanted to learn.  The group is meeting this Sunday.  The Organizer said it's not a dating group but, many members have found their lifetime partners there.  I also joined a Line Dancing group (I used to go for ten years back in MD), a Walking Group, an Improv Group and a Holistic Life group which has gentle Yoga classes.  I'm just starting with the one class this Sunday.  I'll try the various group events and see where I fit.  So, this is positive and it's exercise and it's a win win.  Hopefully, I can find connections with friends outside of the dating site so, I can get off of there permanently.  

P.S.  I'm still not giving up on finding friends or a boyfriend.  I keep putting myself out there.  I'm trying to think of 25 new places to go.  Different actions have different results.  No one will knock on my door, I need to keep going out.  I signed up for a one night painting class on October 20th.  So, I have something to look forward to.  Re:  a boyfriend.  Over the past few months I have gained self-love, self-respect and I'm my own best friend.  If someone can add to my life then that's great.  But, I have standards and I will not settle.  I would rather be alone with my two Chihuahuas and Hamster before getting into a bad relationship again.  I'm proud of myself for how far I've come.  If I know someone isn't right for me, I let it go right away.  If there is a red flag, I let it go and move on.  In the past I would have continued because, I was lonely.  I am enough.  And, sharing my life with someone is a choice.  It's not because, I can't make it on my own.  I am making it on my own and I like being independent.  It's great not having to depend on anyone but, yourself.  And, when I'm whole, I can be whole with someone else.  Regardless, of being single or in a relationship, I know I will be just fine.

Update from my last post.  For self-care:  I called to make an appointment with a Grief Counselor to learn coping skills, I called to receive information about a Grief Support Group, I'm going to Chinese Acupressure for a shoulder injury I have.  If that doesn't work, I'll make a Doctor appointment.  After deleting my dating profile, I decided to try a new approach.  I went back on the site and stated that I'm looking to date and nothing serious.  It gets me out of the house, polishes my social skills and I'm mentally stronger and thicker skinned.  I take it as having coffee with a stranger (meeting at a public place in broad daylight).  Zero expectations but, it keeps me out among the living instead of staying in my room being depressed and focused on the loss of my Mother.  I think online dating is a bad source for a relationship because, most men on there just want to hook up.  Church would be a better place but, Christians are flawed as well and are sometimes judgmental.  I focus on the positives in my life and I'm thankful for what I have.  All I know is that whatever happens, I'll be fine.  

I should probably write in my blog section.  The dating site is very negative.  You have to be mentally strong and thick skinned to take constant rejection, scammers, disappointment and scary people.  There are a lot of red flags.  Two people I'm talking to, I wouldn't pursue a relationship with either of them.  So, I shouldn't talk to them because, I feel isolated, alone and lonely.  I've had some third date scary revelations from dates in the past.  I wondered why I punish myself on this dating site.  Now, I just had a light bulb moment.  I'm used to abuse from my ex.  So, I am subconsciously, in familiar territory and in a sick and twisted way, the familiarity is making me comfortable.  It's what I know.  So, time to delete my dating site profile.  

I've added mindfulness to my list of personal goals.  Step 1:  I found a great book on Amazon and I ordered it with one day delivery so, I'll have it tomorrow.  I was able to "Look Inside" online and I liked the Table of Contents and a portion of what I read.  The book is called, "Mindfulness:  An Eight-Week Plan For Finding Peace In A Frantic World", by Mark Williams.  The book is based on MBCT (Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy).  I know it will be great.  This site is based on CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) and it works!  Thanks for the help, Ashley.  I really can't thank you enough!

P.S.  I've discovered that what I focus on is what I will get.  So, I focus on the positive.  I have a heart of gratitude and I am thankful.  I focus on blessings.  I counteract every negative thought with a positive true statement and I believe it.  I am fortunate that I have a place to live.  I have food to eat.  I have the luxury of having pets.  I am out of my abusive situation and I have freedom.  I don't focus on my physical pain caused by stress.  I am grateful for my health.  I have set goals and have written steps to achieve those goals.  It gives me purpose.  Here are my goals:  Stop running, make friends and self-care.  I keep trying regardless of rejection.  I can't control other people or, some circumstances.  But, I have control over myself and my thoughts, actions and behaviors.  I try new things and I get myself out of the house.  Friends won't look for me in my apartment and come knocking on my door.  I have a list of positive affirmations and when I feel anxiety, panic coming, or depression, I read them out loud.  Here are a couple of examples:  I do not run.  I face all challenges and I go through them and I am okay.  And, I believe what I say out loud.  This is how I am handling things right now. 

Hi Ashley,  It's so good to hear from you again.  Well, I'm distracting myself on a dating website.  There are lots of scammers but, it keeps me occupied.  I woke up this morning and I feel better after having a more restful sleep.  I always tell myself things will look better in the morning.  And, they usually do.  I've been taking over the counter anti inflammatory medication for muscle tension and it eases some of the pain.  Small steps of self-care.  I came down to Florida with one Chihuahua and I was told by the management that I could have another.  So, I drove down near Miami a six and a half hour round trip, by myself.  The new puppy is a God send for me and my single Chihuahua.  My Dad and I went to the pet store and he showed me a tiny baby Dwarf Roborovski Hamster and I added her to my family.  The Hamster is great company if I wake in the night.  She's a comfort.  I don't recommend people getting pets to fill emotional voids.  Sometimes they can add more stress than be a comfort.  But, I can't imagine my life without them.  I don't plan on getting more.  I have the right balance and if my Dad and I move to PA next summer, I won't have to give up any of the pets being in another rental situation.  I always have hope and I never give up.  I just keep facing the storms head on.  One day they must get better or, I must get stronger.  Thank God for this site and the support.  I'm not worrying.  And, I will look into mindfulness.  Thank you!  I try to be present and live in the moment which helps.  Bella will sit on my lap while Beso wants me to play a game of fetch.  I find myself joyful in those moments.  I laugh and it feels good.  I know life is perpetual change so, good things will come around again.  And, feelings of anxiety or panic are temporary and they pass.  I don't give in to panic nor feed into it anymore.  I learned that from the coping skills here.  I can prevent it.  It's just the memory of it that scares me from time to time.  I think it will happen but, it doesn't.  I stave it off with coping skills and it works.  I am managing anxiety better today.  I know in the end that everything will work out and be okay.  The positive is that I am learning to have patience and I'm learning perseverance.  Now, I am just going to breathe and relax.