I had a utterly embarrassing 'first time pulling over' panic attack years ago. I literally stopped in front of this lady, stopped the car, ran to her car in a freaked out state and surly scared her - 15 years ago panic attacks weren't as well known - she had to take me home. And, there was a time in Manhatten when I totally freaked out in the city with a boyfriend of mine and he had to call a hotel doctor - I could go on and on - but, let us think of the progress we have made - if I think too much about all the trash of the past, it gives me anxiety. So, we are here, we are fine and we are sending positive signals of our survival and supportive natures to each other and whoever else is out there.
Maria :-)
P.S. I do not have alot of friends I confide in, because it is a very hard issue to understand - it takes a very special person to jump on this ride.
I think they are few and far between, they might want to ride for awhile, like the people we sign up to help us in times of dire need, but, they don't call back.
Dear Mr. Bubble,
I sometimes watch myself pacing around my apartment, checking things, taking a little to myself, peeking out windows, not answering the phone - really, just totally going within myself - and, of course, when I am in stealth mode as I call it, I certainly do not want anypone to see me nor do I want to go anywhere, primarily because I probably had not had a shower for a few days and look like a basket case - However, the good news is, it always ends, the day becomes brighter and the poetry that I write when I am in that mode is so good!
How are you doing anyway?
Maria
It does bring me into the present - allows me to focus on on something beautiful - also, poetry and journaling are ways of monitoring yourself and tracking progress of regression throughout days, months years or just yesterday.
Maria
P.S. Poetry and writing allows to 'scream out' as loud as you want in the total silence of the written word.
Yes, I do worry about it a bit. I have had a feeling for the past few months I should go see a cardiologist, if nothing else but to have another 'echo' to see how my prolapse is doing.
This has been on my mind, but, does not cause me any
'additional' anxiety.
I have noticed that when I do not take my medication the first place the panic 'raditates' from, for a lack of a better work, is from my chest area.
The last time I had an 'echo' the doctor said my MVP did not require medication - I think it does, only becasue of the bacteria/dental issue - I must always pre-medicate before any dental work. Oh well.
Bye for now,
Maria
Hi All,
As some you already know, I am a writer. However, sometimes two jobs are required. So, I also hold a cosmetology license and am going to go work within two weeks at a new salon. I was hired on the spot, my credentials are great - but, of course, no one knows about my panic attacks. I have been working from home for about two years and before that was a staff writer for a large real estate firm and could come to work at my pace - no real pressure.
I really need to prepare myself for working "on the outside" - I fear my agoraphobia will get the way not to mention my panic attacks.
Now, my first thought is to ask my Dr. for an increased amount of medication to handle this situation - he may or may not agree.
I so wish things could be different - I am going to deal with this myself, I am a single person, I have no choice. I would appreciate if anyone out there could give me some hints, maybe some self talk dialoges that may help me. I am pretty strong - but this fear still lingers.
Maria
Had no idea you were disabled, so much to read on this sight.
The looking out the window all the time is a strange thing. It is like you are 'locked in', by your own mind. You want to go out, you have the desire to go out, you know you must go out, but, sometimes the best I can do is look out.
I can drive - I also live alone - somedays I can drive all over, get thinks done, then all of the sudden the cloud comes over my head and camps out for awhile - the agoraphobia sets in. Yes, it is boring, but, I write alot of poetry, have the cleanest house on the block and a stunning garden!
I handle my 'stuff' alone these days - went through 10 years or so of therapy dealing with step-father and his brothers issues - and all kind of other depressing things - the good news I have worked through a tremendous amount of bad stuff - and, now only have a few demons left to deal with - I consider myself lucky.
I have new job to start next week and I really hope I can deal with it - I am going to try my best. I posted a request for any input from others, but, haven't gotten an answer yet.
Bye for now,
Maria
Dear Red,
Allow me to send you some magical vibes from the sea.
I am closing my eyes right now and enveloping you in a glowing golden light - is is so beautiful - it is lifting you up and I see you flying by way of your soul to where the rainbow meets the sea and then you fly further into the universe - to a silent special place where your ego turns to spirit - you land on a golden beach with sparkling sea shells filled with messages of wisdom - you are dancing in a circle on golden sand with loved ones who have gone before you - and your spirit guide is holding your hand eversotightly - you are laughing with joy - then, you all go to the arch of wisdom - and receive blessings from the glowing light of purity. Then, I see you flying down back to the where the rainbow meets the sea - you come home with divine blessings.
Night,
Maria
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