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Liberation or destruction?


15 years ago 0 955 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Pete,   Sounds like you are going through a rough time right now.   Don't forget to take some time for yourself. What activities can you do to enjoy yourself?   Members, any other support for Pete on how to manage through the week?     Sarah, Health Educator
15 years ago 0 3043 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Yes, I thank everybody for their support. Weekend was terrible and so has this week been. All down to my blasted car, though it could have been any other everyday hassle. These things just drill down inside me and eat me up, cycling around with worry and stress. And then arrives the self-blame. My car broke down? My fault - I bought a bad car. My fault - I'm not a proper man/husband/dad. I deserve this punishment. Y'know, some days I wake up, and feel light, say to myself 'hey-I don't feel at all bad today'. But as soon as I run over one of life's little bumps I'm plunged down again into blackness. Hate being at work, then hate being at home. On my way home from work, feel like walking past my front door and keep on walking till I drop on some remote corner, lie on the ground be it cold or be it wet, and not move for noone or nothing, and not talk. Just BE. Like a passive grey lump. That couldn't be worse.
 
Today I went to my first group therapy session for depression. Five people and a psychologist facilitating. So I went, and that was an achievement. I can't imagine that it will help me at all, but I'll go to all the sessions anyway, even though I came out feeling worse than when I went in.  I'm just not comfortable in groups, and already the psychologist was on my back about being so quiet. Same old same old.
15 years ago 0 1693 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Pete,
 
How are you feeling today? How was your weekend?
 
Keep up the great support members
 
Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator
15 years ago 0 456 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0

why is it that I see the mass of humanity as engulfinging you and stiffiling your voice?  Why do I get the sense that there is more than one doctor that does not listen to you? 

 There is something you need to release from the hidden part of you,  in the dark fluid, liquid of yourself that has not yet frozen over.  You have used the conventional methods to access it on your own; crutches. Abandonment of the search seem to lead you to ... stasis, statuo-quo, nothing.  And to accept this is is freeze  over the entire experiment until a better solution presents itself. 

Pete,

this is a long way from the feelings of smash, burn, and liberate.  This post seems to be another part of you or another angle of the hidden you.  Is there something you need to find? and takl about?

15 years ago 0 1044 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Hey Pete,
I like Neil Diamond.  I don't guess that type of music would suit you.  I once went to a Neil Diamond concert by myself because I couldn't find anyone that liked him!  Hey, it's my preferance....they didn't have to go.  
 
Sounds like you've done a great job evaluating your situation with the doctors and have reached a conclusion.  It sounds practical to me to only see one and of course, the one that takes you seriously.  I'm glad to hear you have a therapist, but remember therapists are like shoes, they don't all fit, make sure yours is helping you!!!!  You are paying for the therapy and taking the time to go.  Groups, hey, they ain't for some, but after a while, they kinda grow on you.  I think it's great you are giving them a chance!!!!

Don't settle for the stasis stuff (I don't write as eloquently as you).  Keep plugging along, work the program, keep posting, share your writing on your blog, do whatever you need to, to keep going.  Take time for you, evaluate situations and take action.  I had a difficult time when I first got on this site because everyone was talking about losing control and the need to take control.  But I finally realized, that IS what it is all about.  Getting back and retaining that which we need to interact and do things.  
 
Don't be so hard on yourself.  Listen to your music, express yourself in your writing, post here, work the program and take those issues that present themselves one at a time, sounds like you are overwhelmed with them right now. 
 
Okay, I gave my 2 cents worth, maybe more!  I hope you are doing better, I look forward to hearing from you!!!!!
15 years ago 0 3043 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Heck yeah, I just want to destroy everything. Here in London it's late, it's cold. My car broke down today, our bathroom taps don't work, haven't done for weeks and I've done nothing about it. And I'm daddy, I'm the guy, I'm supposed to do these things but I let them sit and mock me. Feels like I'm half a step away from throwing up my hands and deciding to take to my bed and just not move, not talk...let chaos and consternation reign around me.."get up dad, get up Pete"......[silence]..."work's on the phone, why aren't you going in?"......[silence]...yeah and eventually they'd leave me alone. I can't do anything effective so why do anything at all? 
Heck yeah smash it all up, all my pathetic traces and aborted plans. Give them all up, burn them and burn the pain with them. Counselling over with, finito, and I made my counsellor cry in the last session when I read her a poem 'wot I wrote'. Next week start group sessions - scary - groups ain't my thang but I'll take any help offered at the moment. Fed up with different doctors playing with my meds, playing with my head: one increased my dose but wouldn't prescribe more than one week at a time because she thought I'd use them to OD, then the other one cut them right back to nothing more than placebo level. I know what he's thinking - he's not taking me seriously and just wants to fob me off with an ineffective dose to get me out of his office - too many drug company reps to see, can't spend more than five minutes on each patient. So I've stopped taking them. Damn it I've been religiously taking a minimal pointless dose for months and I feel angry, dirty, ignored and insulted. So blast them and their medicines. Tear down this mess and hunker down in my bed, get warm and just stay there, that's the way. Time's running by and it's not worth the effort, all the chances have been lost, just a slow spiral down to stasis is left, so why not embrace it.
Heck yeah, erase the stupid crutches that I use to avoid the teeming, keening, asking, looking, laughing, seething mass of humanity that insist on invading my brain.
It's late  here in London and cold. But the cold outside is nothing to the glacier inside, and the liquid dark swirls through my hands with mocking whispers.
 
15 years ago 0 32 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Maybe this isn't addressing your original post exactly but I just wanted to say that I think it can be very good to get rid of things that make you feel sad or otherwise bad when you look at them. I also think it's good to get rid of things that make you feel ashamed. Like I had some writing (a lot, actually) that I would have been mortified if someone read. Rather than feel like I had something to hide I finally just got rid of it. Maybe it would have been better to more carefully examine why it was I felt ashamed about it, who knows, but at least now I feel like i have nothing to hide if someone were to root around my home looking at things, I do find that to be liberating.
15 years ago 0 456 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
have you read virgina wolf's the waves.  it seems to go all over but when you concentrate and follow everyone, it is a fabulous piece of work!!!
 
I do not think your music can be worse that the gothic-german-metal  the my cousin listens to  for relaxations.  I perfer Frank Sinatra and Michael Buble and Nora Jones for relaxing. 
 
But I am surprised that you who have such a way with words would judge artictic expressions in music so harshly.  Why would your taste be so bad?  it is all so subjective and so ... NOW.  Tomorrow, you might be an entirely differently person (especially with the roller-coaster ride of medications you are on right now!!!) so you might not feel like enjoying the usual stuff and might like to turn to Britinny Spears  and the light hearted pop music flavour of the day
 
 Mood, age, experience, even the time of the day affect what we feel like and what we like.  So what is the source of this particular questioning ?  Especially since it is spiralling out of control and plunging you into the depths of your depression??
15 years ago 0 1288 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
Pete,   Self expression is what it is, self expression. Don't let what others think affect the way you listen to music or affect the way you think of it. It's yours to enjoy, discover, relax, or vent.   You are fighting and expressing yourself through words is great. Were here for you and want to see you get well. We've noticed progress and encourage you to continue with your counselling sessions as well as spending time writting in our support community.     Sylvie, Bilingual Health Educator
15 years ago 0 3043 logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo logo 0
I suppose the way I am seeing this is an example of the 'all-or-nothing', 'black and white' thinking that my counsellor keeps banging on about. I see the need to change myself, so immediately amplify it, take it to the max, and have the urge to destroy those parts of my life that identified, defined me, and the things I use as crutches. Particularly music. I find it to be such a powerful art, and so directly emotional, and music has helped me through so much. I won't share my musical taste in detail, suffice it to say that I listen to and try to play music of an - ahem- abrasive nature, and find it expresses what's going on inside me, and can become a cleansing. Then again, an (ex-) friend told me '...no wonder you're depressed, with that horrible music you listen to...'. With that kind of insight, no wonder he's an ex-friend. But, I ask myself, should I suppress my-self to such an extent that I rely on the creations of others, people I don't know, people sometimes 20, 25 years younger than me, to express and release my churning negative anger-energies.
 
Maybe just chuck it all out, and have the courage to meet myself with no smokescreens. That sounds great, but is it that ole black demon self-hatred fooling me, saying '...you're worthless, Pete, you're degenerate, your taste is awful, you've built your empty life on nothings, destroy it all, you don't deserve pleasure or relaxation or entertainment or stimulation, you're a lazy slug, why can't you DO something, DO something, DO something useful?....'
 
I ramble, I digress, I'm scattered this morning, I'm frustrated with how poorly I express myself. I'm a bit confused - I've had one doctor increase my meds a few weeks ago, and another reduce them again, I'm signed up for some group counselling sessions but don't know when they start and don't know if I'll be able to get the time off work to attend anyway. I have times when I feel like I'm walking on air, blossoming forth like the proverbial psychedelic butterfly, but it only takes a small setback or irritation to plunge me into a black mood for hours and send me skulking to my bed, gazing from my covers at the same piece of empty space.
 
So, maybe when I'm this up and down, this knife-edgy, I shouldn't do anything rash, shouldn't expunge my identity.
 
Wow. What a fractured and inarticulate post. Tiresome Pete at it again. But still in here and fighting at least.

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