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Turning Point?

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Farayl,

I just responded under another thread to Wildcat and explained that I am not thinking clearly tonight, I did not sleep well again last night. I am tired and my thoughts are not coherent. I thank you for your reply. I do hope I am able to move past these issues also, I am exhausted from carrying this baggage. I wish I had more to say but I just need a break tonight, even from my thoughts.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 823

Hi Mom of 3, Glad to see that you feel a little hopeful after reading Rose's striking response..............it's always great to hear from someone who relates to your situation and just tells it like it is. Please do make a concerted effort to forgive yourself............write it down every day in a journal if you have to. Part of the key to your emotional freedom is in getting rid of the baggage. Good luck, Faryal, Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Rose,

I suppose I am the one doing the punishing. I know God has forgiven me, but I guess I have trouble forgiving myself. I will take your advice and let go. It seems I have a lot of letting go to do. Wish me luck as it is not my strongest point.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. It makes me feel not so alone.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 142

mom - who is doing the punishing? you are! god is not punishing you and if you believe in god and ask for forgiveness - you are forgiven. your ex can blame you till the cows come home - but let him. his problem, not yours. for the last year of my first marriage (together 15 yrs 2 sons) i begged him to go to counseling with me. told him numerous times that sitting around in his underwear watching CNN wasn't helpful. go play ball with the boys. no - too tired. help me make dinner. no - too tired. be a plumber so we don't have to keep moving around. he worked at shipyards, welding, we moved where the work was. that's what he wanted to do. now he has mesothelioma and is dying. he has not forgiven me still, although he remarried before i did and they have been together the same amount of time that we had been together. anyways, when we were together, he only agreed to counseling as i was handing him the divorce papers. too little, too late. now my 2nd husband was in a similiar set of circumstances - married 15 yrs 2 kids - his wife had a credit card problem and ran him into the ground at one time, he had 3 jobs! so when we got together, we made a deal - let's be nice to each other. just nice. no bullying, no berating, no lying, no moving all over the us of a. let's try really try to have a peaceful, loving union. so far so good for the most part. we are even going to our 2nd appt with psychologist this afternoon. he is trying. i am trying. i have forgiven myself for my first marriage. i tried for 15 years!!!!! enough already. mom you are forgiven, you don't have to drag all the stinking baggage around with you everwhere you go - bury it in the backyard and walk away from it. today is the 1st day of your new guilt-free life!!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

Hey Mom of 3,

I am sorry to hear you are still having such a hard time. Sounds like between your first marriage and your present marriage, things have been rough.

I have not been divorced as of now, so I can't really understand all of it. But from what I see of other people's divorces, it seems regrets and guilt are part of the equation... I do know though that once you have sincerely apologized, it is up to others to see what they do with it. You did your best and you apologized. You did the right thing! If they won't forgive you then that becomes their problem! So donèt be so tough with yourself (yeah, I know, easier said then done).

As for baggage and feeling burned-out in your marriage: it sounds like another club we could start! I totally get it. But I am hoping there is a way to move forward from there. Hang in there!

I wish I had something better to tell you but as I have pointed out many times, successful marriages are not my strong suit!

You are in my thoughts!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

I doubt it would really help. My husband has seen enough of my ex to know that I did not exaggerate the condition of my first marriage. The ex has been such a thorn in our sides that my guilt over the divorce would not make my husband feel any better. He would be angry that after all we've been through that I feel sorry for him in any way. He has a point, but I don't want to harbor ill feelings and I strive to be fair about things. So if I feel that I have wronged someone I feel responsible regardless of what they've done to me. I know that I had blame in that marriage too because I am not perfect. I'd like forgiveness for where I've wronged him. I have apologized to him in the past because it was not my intention to cause him pain. I doubt he has forgiven me although we are civil if we must be around each other. He is still very self centered and still lacks boundaries, he lies pathologically. I could not have stayed with him and I know this in my heart. So why do I beat myself up over this?

I feel like I have lived a life of punishment since the divorce and I think my husband feels the same way. Now I feel further punished because the things that have been happening have a direct link to many of our problems. We have struggled for so long that we're burned out. Too much baggage and this is a punishment.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 955

Mom of 3, Thank you for sharing that with us. It sounds like you are going through a period of reflection right now and this can be a very positive experience. Have you communicated any of these thoughts about your first divorce with your current husband? Perhaps by letting him know how you might feel punished for getting the divorce would really help him understand how your past relationship can be affecting your current one. I'm sorry to hear that you do not feel any better after posting this. Please let us know if there is anything else we can do for you. We are here to support you! Sarah, Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

My ex has certainly caused me many problems. Even the degree of dysfunction that still surrounds me and my daughters is amazing. It has affected me even into this marriage. When I go next weekend I will stay at my parent's house even though my daughter invited me to stay with her. This is because the ex will come by, invited or not. He respects no boundaries.

I'm sorry that my answer was rather abrupt previously. I have BIG issues with the ex. There is a part of me that feels bad about divorcing him. I do realize that he hasn't changed from the person I divorced so I guess there wasn't really any reason to stay. I understand that he was hurt by the divorce (or that he lost) but he did things concerning the girls that were detrimental to them just to get at me. It was many years of turmoil while my daughters grew up. Thankfully, I do not have to deal with him much at all. I go out of my way to avoid him. Still, I do not wish him ill, just that I do not have to deal with him.

Now that my husband and I are having problems I can't help but feel bad again about divorcing the ex. It hurts to be in the situation and I feel bad that he was hurt. I don't believe our marriage could have been saved. There was too much dysfunction and too much denial.

Am I in the same situation now? This is what I wonder. I am trying to change me because I realize that I have issues that do need addressed. I have apologized and take responsibility for my wrongs. The ex did not do that. The husband is really not doing that either, he is not wrong. I think all this feeds my anxiety because I am equating the first divorce to issues now. I wonder if I'm being punished for getting a divorce in the first place - there I finally said (typed) it.

Now it's out and I don't feel any better, but I did admit it.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 142

i'm sorry mom, it's too bad your ex couldn't take a long walk off a short pier

and you could have some closure there.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

One daughter lives about 2.5 hours away and the other is not responsible enough to leave him with. I don't want my daughters involved because they are direct lines to their father who would love to know that my husband and I are having problems. They also do not need my burden, they have their own lives to live. They will know when they need to know.

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Turning Point?