The calling/text issue is something that started in the beginning of our relationship only it was pagers and phones then. It has meaning in our relationship and is one of the areas that he says he felt neglected in. He continued to call me while I let it slide when at work. He took it as a sign that I wasn't as committed, then when we got text messaging I bulked at the idea and didn't really want to be bothered with it. He took this as a further sign that I did not want contact with him. Nothing is further from the truth. My job is very intense with very little "down time". I am usually with patients, on the phone with patients, charting about patients yada yada yada. There have been days when I did not lunch, didn't even take a bathroom break until right before going home. But I missed the mark, didn't understand how much it meant to him and the damage I was causing our relationship by not holding this as sacred. He says when we first met I would have broken every rule to page him. It's true, I would have, but I didn't continue it. I become obsessed with my work and he knows it. He reads it as more important than him. I realize it sound so small to others reading this but it's a huge part of our connection and I feel responsible. So what if it feeds his inner child, it must feed mine too because now that he's told me these things and he's backd off of what he used to do I realize that I miss it. I took it for granted, didn't keep up my end. So no, it doesn't = love but it's an important part of feeding it by connecting. I have been narrow minded and a fool. Is it really so much that I couldn't be bothered? No, I took this small thing for granted and did not place the emphasis on it that it deserves. It's just one of those things that jabs at my heart - knowing that I failed him that way. So, I am trying to make up for it in a way.
Then there's the fact that I know him. He would, under normal circumstances, be in contact because it's his way. To others it's just a call/text, but as I've explained there's a deeper meaning for us. Is it dependence? I don't know. I'd like to have independence but not so much that I'm alone. I want to be able to depend on someone, I want a soul mate. If that's dependence I want that.
I do drive myself crazy with overanalyzing. When things were looking up when he left I knew that the continuation of that would be contact. When it didn't happen I did what I do best and analyzed without the critical piece of info to the catastrophic outcome I arrived at. I want to stop this, I want to be free.
