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13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 72

Rebuilding Your Self Esteem 4

That's a great exercise. I never thought to do it for myself. My husband and I did something similar which was to think of the 'things' I liked about him and vise versa. It was at a time when we were having some issues and our wonderful therapist had each of start saying this to each other and to meditate together with thoughts in our minds about the other person. It reminded me of when I was talking to my best friend about a great guy I met, everything I found attractive when we were dating. And it worked. The anger melted away and we were able to talk about what was wrong with love instead of being closed off.

So now, I'm going to start my list for myself. I'm sure it will help this mid-life crisis. Great idea. Thanks.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 72

My story is sort of different

Hi Autumn-Sky,

I hope you stay with us - you'll get alot of support.

I guess I'm just a curious person and hope you don't mind my asking, or really stating - I just want to get the situation clear so I can help you to find peace of mind along with the others here - she's 17 and only 2 weeks pregnant. Does she not attend school during the day or is she not working.? Was the pegnancy from a tragic circumstance or where is the responsible boy/ and his family? Sounds like a very dysfunctional situation. And I say this because I recognize it. May not be the same story, but sure is the same dysfunction when I was in my 20s. If she felt grown up enough to have unprotected sex, or sex at her age, then she's grown up enough to do responsible things - such as work, etc. You're in a one bedroom and no one else could take her in because they don't have room - sure sounds like you don't have room either.

I apologize, I have compassion, don't get me wrong, but there is also a situation to be looked at and taken by the horns and worked out. Time to build your self esteem which you've come to the right place for help !

I don't know if you are spiritual or not, if you are, then its time to pray to receive answers from a Higher Source since the those around aren't helping you. It's not good for someone with your Dx to be pushed against the wall and feel trapped. There's a saying - Good luck, bad luck. Something always comes of any situation - this may be your time to get a grip, do what you need to do for yourself - sounds like your agoraphobia is being challenged, it's tuned on you and there's only one way out - and that's looking within when you can settle down and get out of the drama. you deserve it - and you'll stand up for yourself with full belief in yourself so others don't knock you down with what they feel and want. Of course, there's compromise, but you get my drift, I hope. You can do this with the support of your psychiatrist, your therapist and us. I can't get to group so this has been a great substitute. Already I'm feeeling like myself again. I needed to pull myself together since I am in a very public business - the stigma is that if someone has a 'mental' illess, they're also stupid. I'm sure you are an intelligent person. And will come up witha solution. Stick with us, there are geat people here who can help you back to freedom.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 72

Medication and Weight Gain

I had tried a couple of meds prior to what I am on now, and did gain weight - that's why I went off them - I didn't need something else to depress me. I'm now on 450 mgWellbutrin, 3200 mgNeurontin, 80 mg Buspar (Xanax for extreme panic attacks, PRN) and haven't gained any weight and this combo had made me a human again feeling like myself so I can work on my issues insead of feeling stoned out on other meds (uch). Besides the med issue, I've always liked to eat more then my share of food to begin with -I'd bake and cook for my husband and self so I have to exercise to maintain, but atleast my weight is steady. That was another reason for the gain in weight on those meds - with the meds increasing my appetite - it I'ddevour half a cake in two days or half a pizza. at one sitting (uch). Now I can focus back on a mindful way of eatting and feel healthy again. I am also careful about what I eat now - organic and only if humaely killed (only a couple of times a week). And fresh salads and veggies. I stay away from sugar and wrong carbs, added chemicals and imitation crap, it also plays a big part in our weight and how we feel.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 72

Happy I found all of you!!

Hi Autumn-Sky.

Thamk you for responding to my posting. I am also having my husband read my writing especially if it is a newsletter to our clients. We have a signal, that if he hears my voice start to change and can feel my energy rising, he will put his hand on my back. Sometimes I remember that it is a signal, othertimes it feels annoying since it interferes with what I want to say. Sometimes I literally put tape across my mouth to help it stay shut! Even today, we had a phone conversation with the owner of a property next door to one of the properties we manage..to let her know the renters have been doing crazy things. Turned out it was her grown children and for everything we told her she had a come back, total nievity and denial. My husband could hear the pitch of my voice going up and was able to do the hand gesture for me to bring it down. I eventually had to walk away from the conversation so I wouldn't say anything inappropriate. So, from this point on we'll document, call the police or fire dept and then have proof of their wrong doings. My husband, who is more eloquint then me, finally told her it was senseless to continue the conversation (in his words not these) and we hope we won't have to follow through at other times. But I am much better then I ever was in my life, only because I hit bottom and the contrast between my husband and myself is so extreme it was glaring in my face - I could no longer deny it.

Feels like your energy has calmed down abit. Hope you are getting some inspiration from the group to help you figure out what to do with your situation. I'm glad you are still with us. Looking forward to more sharing with you on all the forums.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 72

My story is sort of different

Hi Autumn-Sky,

After my mom died 4 years ago, my depression got worse and I had alot of guilt. And I am estranged from my sister.

I don't know if you have any children of your own - I have a 23 y/o son. And he tried loads of stuff on me, at her age so I know how you feel. My fears always got in the way and he knew it so alot of the times he could push me around. He would turn situations around on me, too - just as you describe how she told you to look for a job - you're the grown up and serrogate 'mom' at this time and I agree, you must set boundaries or she will walk all over you, she already knows it.

I tried the contracts, I tried plenty of stuff, and then I warned him about my sending him away to a school. Well, I guess he thought I was kidding, since he continued his behavior. Here was little meek me, summoning up courage I didn't know I had, even though I had panic attacks and severe anxiety thru the whole ordeal, and I followed thru after there were someshootings and increased gang behavior in our area. I arranged it for two hugh muscle bound men to come in the middle of the night, I opened his bedroom door, said I was sorry and walked out sobbing, they handcuffed him and took him on a drive over 12 hrs away to a lock up school. The story goes on including the intensity of my panic attacks - well, the expression stress can eat you up inside - I could litterally feel it! He hated me for a few years after that, but now says I saved his life that he would either be dead or in jail. He has become a very responsible young man making great decisions he thinks thru.

My point is, it is very important to put this in perspective and remember who you are. She needs some ground rules. Don't give her money, she has to eat what you serve, and hide your wallet. Have you spoken to the step mom? Perhaps some type of arrangement can be made between all of you. Anyway, I wish you well. And we are here to support you whatever your decisions are. I don't know your age, but every once in awhile life throws us a hugh wake up call - not just for the issue in front of our noses, but everything that little voice has been saying for years but we shut off because of how we needed to manipulate life because of our fears, etc to get thru it. And then the time comes, when we no longer an. And our whole life turns around, with some kicking and screaming and then when we're over the hump, we wonder why we put it off for so long. I'm going on 58 y/o, and after my mom died I decided it was my turn to focus on me (with 5 years straight I took care of my dad until he died, did the intervention with my son, then took care of my mom until she died - I was fried!)

Will love hearing about your book. That's very exciting. A great accomplishment.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 72

Mood-enhancing foods

I had to learn the hard way, being hypoglycemic it wasn't always easy and sometimes I kicked and screamed when I had to give up cerain foods. Now its almost all organic, grass fed piedmonte beef, rarely, and free range chicken - I'm jewish - chicken is in my blood - and it took 57 years to finally know what chicken was supposed to taste like. However, I am feeling too upset eatting an animal that may not have been killed properly or even killed the right way, it hurts too much, even from a family run farm, so trying to wean myself off. The whole grain stuffing is sooo much better then any home made stuffing I ever made. I'm lovng salads and fresh organic veggies - it tastes real.

I watched my husband indulge in a triple choc cake he asked me to bake for him. As he ate it I munched on the wonderful taste of a bosc pear. And I have seen his mood change over the 3 days he has been indulging.

I used to love chocolate and caffeine products, and finally saw what it did to me. I literrally would be talking out loud in the street to myself in a voice that someone would have thought I was posessed - to the point a person actually crossed over the street because she was afraid to pass ! I didn't know I was allergic to the chemical in chocolate, and would have binge days, weeks, even to the point start halloween and end after easter. well, it turned on me. I was out 'running' and all of a sudden it felt like the ground was coming up at me and I was turning upside down - I crawled to a tree to hug until it stopped. No one passing by, and there were many, stopped to help, just stare! I tried moderating and fell off the wagon many times,, and finally this past year after two awful outbursts to clients, the shame was trmendous, enough to get me to stop. And I haven't missed it. A client sent a hugh gift assortment of some famous chocolate company and I had to have a couple of choc almonds, I didn't even like the taste. And the next day I was very grumpy. So it stares me in the face and I could care less, oh, Godiva is the name. Even though carob isn't chocolate I like the texture. I have raw almonds around, a fresh jam for my sweet tooth on wasp fiber crisps. I'm planning on making cherry crisp as a dessert for the holidays and perhaps a blueberry cheesecake (all slimmed down) for the holidays. I'm happy with my spelt bread stix and almond whole grain biscotti with decaf earl grey tea. Well, now I'm hungry and salivating, so I'll stop and get a snack!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 72

I´m going to take a risk

When I move 4 yrs ago, I lost parts of myself. Fear of letting people see how nutty I am - I would joke it off and say I'm a cross between Gracie Allen and Lucille Ball. Because of the connection between my husband (who I met on Match 6 months after my move - boy was that brave) and myself, after 3 1/2 yrs he is seeing me muched more relaxed and enjoying my quirkiness. I also trust him to not judge me even if he doesn't fully understand all the assets of my mental illness. He jokes and will say - 'you're pulling a Monk (TV show) and it will help me focus.

After 4 years of a highly stressful business that is 24/7 I decided it was time to get back to volunteering. I have an appt with the vol. coordinator at the hospital in town next week. They have an opening in the gift shop to fit my hrs and I thought it would be fun and a nice break from stress. (When I lived in NY my ex and I started a non-profit colleecting gifts to then dress up as Santa and elves,big bird, etc and go to emergency rooms, etc - he took it over and now delivers to foster care agencies, hospitals, etc) My spirit has been missing that part of my life. I was always involved, hospice, etc.

A new renter, a lovely lady with a 23 y/o daughter that has an IQ of 60 and I also clicked. We knew we could let it all hang out and not feel afaid. She's very involved in the community because of her daughter and today I went with her to pick out gifts for a mother and children who left an abusive husband/father. I spent the night wrapping. I felt so alive today! I asked her if I could get involved in other things, and next week is the city's gift wrapping at the convention center to Coins for Kids.

I told her I would go. After I left her today, I realized what I said, impulsive again. The anxiety alreay here. It will be my first social large humungous gathering of people. oh boy. My plan of action is to only spend an hour or two. I know I'll be at the same table as her, and she is so friendly and quirky like me. It feels good to let my hair down. I'm sure I'll be fine once my focus is absorbed in the gift wrapping. I can always leave and go out into the real air so I don't feel clostrophobic (imagine, feeling enclosed in as large a bldg as a convention center, absurd, but true, it doesn't matter how large, to me it is still a small space) and alot of people.

As I'm writing I realizing I'm committing myself to doing this. Wanting to press delete to this and to tell her I have to work.

But, have to face this. I'm missing out on something wonderful and getting so much back in return.

Well, will let you know at end of next week.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 72

I am so glad I found this site, I hope it will help!

Welcome Cowgirl,

Not only will you recover, you will exceed all you've done.

Stick with us, go to therapy even if doing a phone session.

Do the program with this site, it's amazing how much it has helped me in such a short time. That, the right psychiatrist, and the right meds.

I have mental illness in my family. Before they called it agoraphobia, in the old days they called my great aunt a hermit, she never went out after her life changed dramatically and depression plus other set in. My grandmother on the other side was 'nuts' as they would say in the old days and institutionalized ( that place is now closed because of the brutal ways they did things then). My mother had depression, panic disorder.

SO, I'm not surprised I have all that, plus OCD, and PTSD, and others, etc.

I didn't shower, didn't care for myself at all - I'm surprised I was able to meet my husband - I say my father (earthly) in heaven and my husband's girlfriend before me arranged it and God did the rest.

Anyway, my point is, been where you are, as many who respond later will say the same.

And they will also tell you, and I will even promise you, if you do all you need to do for yourself, you'll see amazing gifts pour out from you. I can drive now. I even got in the car at 4:30 AM by myself to do extra work at my office in the dark - I never drove in the dark. Dark came, and major anxiety took place (PTSD)and into my home I would go. My hands literally shook on the steering wheel.

We're here to support you - everyone is very nice - amazing, because they all understand. I had to leave nursing because they didn't understand me. Imagine, in the field, and they didn't recognize I was having trouble and needed help.

Anyway, I hope you continue to check in on us and post more. You'll find great comfort.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 72

Mood-enhancing foods

I was going to start a new topic, but I'll try here first.

The smell of bread baking is aroma therapy to me - so if anyone

has easy recipes using whole grains - I love biting into breat and crunching on all the seeds, etc, otherwise it's just dough. I've been afraid of yeast and rising and all that stuff - so kept away from baking it - I would love to receive them.

Shall I start a new thread - I figured it belonged under relaxation is recipe sharing allowed?

oh, to finish my comment before - I ate pancakes all my life, even whole wheat, etc. But then I came across someone who developed his own recipe of mixing grains and stone grinding (he was a master - what the term is for horticulturist and etc) and had samples. I never in my 58 yrs of eatting pancakes tasted something as good as his. I felt like I never really had pancakes before, they were what pancakes should tast like. It made me happy. There are only a handful of foods that make me happy.

My one big downfall, is once a month (or every three weeks) I will have a pint of baskin and robbins - nutty coconut and pistacio almond - and sit on the couch and watch a great movie while indulging - only problem is I would eat a a gallon if I could do it with no guilt or weight gain, or hypoglycemic reaction - BUT NOT!! That's relaxing.

Okay, I'll stop. Who doesn't have a bunch of foods that make them happy or miserable - I doubt there are any!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 72

I´m going to take a risk

Thank you all for your supporting me on this.

Interestingly enough, today my husband said he has a class in the afternoon for that date, so I told him I will take the afternoon off. I called my friend and she said she will get a table near the door so she can watch for me since she will already be there.Perfect, I was planning on being near the door just incase.

Initially fear level an 8, but as I wrapped the gifts for the family I shopped fo last night, it felt so good. Not just the giving, but the bright colors of the paper, being imaginative with ribbon and bows. I'm excited now about doing this. Fear level about a 4. It may rise when I get there, seeing so many people. I am very sensitive to peoples energy and having all that around me is the scary part. But I know once I get started, and people start talking, it'll be fun. I'm praying for support. And puting aside my fears of being judged, being me since I am abit wacky, although intelligent.

Thanks again for the support.

Andie

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