Okay, well first of all, I'd just like to say that I really
contemplated whether I would bring this up at all. I don't want to
discourage others and I don't want anyone to feel like they are wasting
their time responding to me.
After I read Allen Carr's book, I wanted
to be like the "non-smoker" he describes - you put the cigarettes away
and you just go on about your life without ever wanting to smoke again;
you're free from the addiction and life is a joyous experience!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's exactly the sentiment he describes
in his book.
I found all of the reviews from others at Amazon encouraging, although part of me did indeed wonder just how many of them were genuine. (I noticed a lot of the reviewers were not confirmed users.) And I saw little clips of both Ashton Kutcher and Ellen DeGeneres talking about how they had quit after reading his book.
I wanted that to be me. I wanted to wake up the next day and feel
joyous that I was free of the demon, that I would be able to go through
life months and years down the road without ever again having the
desire to smoke. I wanted to hit that magic red button and reset my
life to when I had never smoked before!
It even made me think twice
about visiting this site anymore because he talked about not using an
aid or any crutches to get you through the beginning stages - don't eat
more, don't take an NRT, don't do anything differently - just go on
about your life because "quitting is easy" and you're now a non-smoker,
and non-smokers wouldn't do any of those things! What Allen describes in his book is counter to the philosophy of this site, which is all about planning, coping, and using willpower to get through this, even if it takes years.
If I sound particularly harsh about this book now, I'm really not. It was certainly valuable - it dispelled many of the psychological reasons for smoking. And it has made me 100x more conscious about my smoking now. I caved again last night; I didn't even make it 24 hours. The saddest part is that I spent most of those hours sleeping, at least half of them. I made it through the day, but it was tougher than last week, and by nightfall I was smoking again. Ever since I decided to quit, it has been at the forefront of my mind. Last week, I went five days without smoking - and for the most part it really was easy, and I definitely enjoyed it. But I gave in and smoked. And I did it again last night. The good news is that I now know why, and I think the book certainly helped. I smoked for no other reason than I was bored.
I smoked knowing that was the reason why, and I did it knowing it wouldn't make me any less bored. Either I really don't want to smoke, or I simply lack the willpower or the "easiness" to do this. I've tried to quit so many times that it is so discouraging. I've taken the patch many times (smoked on it even, which I know is dangerous), I've tried cold turkey plenty of times, I've tried cutting back in very bizarre ways...yet here I am, 16 years later (half of my life) and I'm still smoking. I'm discouraged; the fact that I keep trying doesn't make me feel more confident. It makes me question my ability to really do this, but I cannot give up. I do not want to smoke for the rest of my life. I absolutely hate cigarettes.
And yet I still smoke. I hate doing it yet I still do it. I'm a junkie. Plain and simple. What a sad thing to have to admit to. So disgusting. So undignified. So completely and immeasurably sad. But it's the truth - I'm a stupid junkie! So regardless of what Allen Carr says, I can't do this the easy way. I have to do it the same way that everyone else here is - the arduous and difficult way - one day at a time, distracting myself in every imaginable way, doing whatever it takes not to cave, because one day, some day, some how, I will actually get to the other side!
This meant really examining the choices I've made since I decided I wanted to quit again. And the bottom line is that I can't do it alone. I started taking the Chantix again today and I'm going to take it every day, no matter how it makes me feel, no matter what state of mind it puts me in, and on September 9, I am going to give up cigarettes for good. I just want to throw up a white flag in defeat and say, "You win! I can't do this anymore. I'm out." I hate this. I hate this more than anything, being dependent on something so disgusting, and being dependent on something else just to get over another dependency. It's ridiculous. But it is what it is, and if it gets me out of this dark hole, then I certainly can't complain.
I didn't have an official copy of his book. I read a copy online because I couldn't afford to buy a copy until today, which is the first thing I did. I went to two different bookstores to find it. The one I read was an older version, and I'm going to read this one also. I'm really going to prepare for this. I'm going to take my meds, read what everyone has written to me, and I'm going to be ready when the 9th comes. On the 10th, I see my dentist for a root planing (periodontal disease) and I'd really like to leave the dentist knowing that I've done a good thing for myself and that I won't screw it up by smoking and only exacerbate the problem more. I've already caused my body damage; most of it reversible, some of it not. Such is life. But I can't continue down this path for much longer, because I know it will kill me. I just know it will.
I didn't know what I was going to say when I set out to write this. I just had to get this off of my chest.
