In the last autumn/winter/summer (the university year) I have tried to quit numerous times.
On some on this occasions I was able to resist 3-5 days. At that point I thought I'll smoke just one cigarette, as a kind of reward, thinking it's no big deal, then I'd start again, obviously. Now I'm well prepared for this happening and I am determined not to smoke another cigarette in these conditions when I stop smoking, so this is not a problem anymore, as I know there's no such thing as "just a cigarette".
The big problem for me is my anger issue.
Other times when I tried to quit it lasted 2 days approximately. After that time I'd feel the need to smoke a cigarette. My anxiety would raise and if I didn't smoke a cigarette then I would get extremely angry and fight with people and even if i didn't fight, id's still end up smoking a cigarette.
I usually smoke 10-14 cigarettes a day, when I used to smoke 20.
One of these days I smoked 3 cigarettes in the morning, and gently distracted me with other things until evening. I went on the phone with my mum and I got angry with her for no reason ( I didn't tell her that), I went on the phone with my boyfriend and again, I got angry for no reason. I knew at that point: i had to smoke a cigarette.
Anger is the main reason I started smoking. I started smoking one day when I wanted not to continue an argument.
After that, I got into a depression, and smoking helped me 'relax' and 'feel better' without dealing with my emotional issues and without having to talk to anyone about it - i didn't want to talk about it with the people involved in my troubles and end up fighting with them or deteriorating the relationship without repair.
Smoking as an escape and not dealing with my emotional issues ultimately led to my depression deepening, developing an anxiety disorder, with OCD traits, suicidal thoughts, all on top of a kind of personality disorder, which developed due to poor childhood nurturing, not communicating with others in a constructive way and not learning important and useful social skills.
So smoking did me no good: my depression worsened, I developed anxiety and OCD traits which led me to daily panic attacks at some point, it encouraged me to ruminate, and on top of that it didn't help me with my emotional issues (I would not say that I have exactly a personality disorder, but it isn't easy for me to communicate with others in an assertive way).
I ignored my problems and my problems grew stronger.
I think you can see why it's important for me to quit.
But the cigarettes were there when I was angry and I didn't want to continue an argument: because I don't know how to communicate in an assertive way, I'd either say nothing or say too much and insult or hurt the other
And I don't want to do that. When I insult or hurt someone, it hurts me too, because I didn't get the message across, I wasn't understood and I didn't understand him/her either. It's beneficial to no one.
But if I don't smoke, I find it hard to control my emotions of anger and not enter in a fight with someone.
That's why when, in the Milestone 2 of the program, I got asked whether the benefits of quitting are greater or not than the setbacks, I answered that the benefits of quitting are less important for me than the hardships of quitting.
I want to quit, but how do I deal with this withdrawal symptom? It is very important for me not to get in any irrational fight with anyone or insult someone in an argument, which I find hard to do when I do not smoke.
And moreover, this anger I have is in part due to trying to quit also? Or is it just a problem I have, which I try to control through smoking?
I believe that I've learned some things about being more assertive. I find them hard to apply them when I'm in the midst of anger when trying to quit.
I wonder, with my new knowledge of assertiveness, were it easier for me to deal with anger and be more assertive if I were a non-smoker, if i didn't have withdrawal symptoms?
Since I still smoke when I'm angry to calm myself, and since when trying to quit I get angry which leads me to smoking again, I find it hard to track my progress in dealing and being in more control over my emotions.
