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A Time of Mourning

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 14

This is a good thread. It is nice to hear that others have that "loss of a long-time friend" feeling that I am feeling now. It's also good to hear that, at some point in your quit, your feeling changed from one of loss to one of triumph. Thanks for the encouragement guys.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 206

Alice, Honey, keep one thing in mind as things continue to get curiouser and curiouser for you: You now have a pale green butterfly from some city in Montana talking to you. How much more curiosity can you stand?

peteg

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 221

Hi Alice,

One way to shift to a more positive outlook is to use positive self talk. When you find yourself in a tough situation, instead of complaining , you can say something "I will get through this, I am strong."

You could track how many times you catch yourself doing this during the day, and keep a log. You could look back it. Using positive self talk is like a muscle, the more you use it, the stronger it becomes.

What are you looking forward to the most in the reunion with your "real self"? How will it feel when you get there?

Lolly, thank you for sharing your letter with us. It is very inspiring!

Helena, Health Educator

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 618

Dear Alice,

I cannot access any really old posts, but I kept a copy of many. Here is my farewell letter from about March 2005.

Finally Farewell!

You made me feel that I was someone, that what I said mattered. I felt more important when I was with you. You gave me confidence. You kept me from making a fool of myself in public when I became emotional. You were always there for me if I was lonely. You comforted me when I was worried or stressed. I had you with me all the time, in the good times as well as the bad. I know 40 years is a long time to be together.

Now you have to leave. Go! You may have regrets about this, but I have none. You cannot remain in my life; there is no room for you. In this short time we have been apart, three months, I have become a different person.

I know that I am someone who matters. I have confidence and self-esteem in what I have achieved. I do not always need to hide my emotions in public. I have made new friends now, so I am not lonely. There is far less worry and stress without you than with you. The bad times will always be bad whether you are there or not. The good times are much better without you. I feel free of the control that you had over me.

I will not even say “Goodbye my friend.” You were no friend to me, I see that now.

You were a parasite. You were feeding from me not the other way around. You have done your damage, so go! Get away from me forever.

I am free!

Lolly.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 150

Thanks for the thoughtful insight

Peteg, I really like what you said about how your old self was a 'fake' (the smoking part). The more I thought about this the more I realized how true it is. I look forward to the reunion with my 'real' self. Thanks.

Lolly, I a glad that I will return to my former strength. I look forward to it immensly. I like the idea of a goodbye letter.

Jim, I really want to have a positive attitude and feel giddy about every moment. To be honest, its exhausting to "bitch and moan and mourn." I have been reading the Secret and it has helped a bit. Do you have any advice on how to shift to a more positive outlook?

Cheers

~Alice

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2778

Well....

On a previous quit, it really was like losing a friend and mourning their death... I was totally bummed!!! This time around, I saw the damn demon for what it was... my WORSE ENEMY! This quit was really different for me! I wanted nothing more to do with smoking and I was, for the most part, trying to spend my time rejoicing rather than mourning! Consequently, I was in a much better frame of mind and was a happier person during my quit!

We have the choice... do we want to bitch and moan and mourn and have a bad attitude or do we want to have a Positive Mental Attitude and be giddy every moment of every day because we have declared victory over our nemesis and have won our freedom? Something to chew on!

Jim

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13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 206

I totally agree with Lolly, Alice -- when we quit, we don't "lose" our personality. I SO had to learn that the hard way. The personality I had (speaking only for myself) as a smoker was NOT my "real" personality -- it was a way of hiding and sublimating my true self behind, well, a "smokescreen." This is why I was always such a sneak smoker. Behind buildings, never during a time when I might get "caught," etc.

I was so afraid of losing that part of myself, what I thought was the "real me," that all of my previous quits (except the big one way back when) were always temporary; I would eventually return to my senses. That is SO the addiction talking -- what some people call "Nicodemon."

What I'm finally learning is that just as smoking was never part of our formative personalities, it certainly isn't part of who we are and what we do today. We were born non-smokers, and our bodies are designed to function at optimal performance without the addition of such drugs as nicotene and alcohol.

So instead of mourning my "old" self, which was always kind of a "fake" self, I'm trying to welcome the return of my "real" self. It's been a long time since we were together, and I'm really happy to have him back. I'm going to hang on to him this time.

peteg

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 618

Alice, you are so right.

Many people have found quitting to be like a death in the family. Perhaps not everyone can express it as well as you do with your analogy about a Russian funeral.

Often people find losing their dependence on Nicotine is like losing a friend. Maybe it is good to see it as a death. While death can be seen as a negative thing, the way you put it makes it positive.....you can move on from the loss of the 'friend' and eventually feel you finally can feel content to say goodbye.

You are right to suggest that it will take more than one time of sorrow, but that time will come. When I began quitting, I was looking forward to writing that letter of goodbye. I posted it sometime between 3 and 6 months into my quit, but everyone reaches that point in their quit at a different time. As Tiana said, the ritual seems to be very powerful.....enough to beat the Nicodemon.

Your personality is not lost at all, but will return to its former strength as you can move ahead with determination, which you seem to have in abundance!

Well done! Stay Strong! NEVER LOOK BACK. THE FUTURE IS AHEAD!!!

Lolly.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 653

Hi Alice,

WOW!! What an insightful message! And your ritual was a superb idea! I assume that you feel it helped? It sounds very powerful, and would perhaps be an idea for others to ponder-- any takers!!?? Actions such as this can be more 'real' than just thoughts or plans.

I'm proud of you! And of everyone who is overcoming this great challenge! I wish you strength!

Tiana, Health Educator

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13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 150

I survived hell week. The seven days went surprisingly fast! But, I have this nagging thought that I have lost half my personality. It’s not so much that I miss that part of me; it’s just that I feel less complete. The last few nights dread has gripped me and left me feeling afraid, stressed, and a tad emotional.

I have been reading past posts and I realize that this is somewhat normal but I still feel unsatisfied. I have tried to make the non-smoking personality more whole by recreating a stronger, healthier image. And, yes, this has helped tremendously.

I can liken this process to a funeral. I am from a Russian background and have always felt that the traditional funerals are the only way to truly say goodbye and to move on. It’s a process of three intense and grueling days filled with tears, hymns, prayer, storey telling, delicious food (borsht, lapsha, and pastries), laughter, and finally a feeling of release. After a period of six weeks and after a year, friends and relatives gather at the grave in memory of the dead person (always leaving a dish of salt, a loaf of bread and a jug of water: three elements that comprise the Trinity of life). As time passes, so does the pain and sorrow.

In a morbid way, I have spent the past seven days at a funeral. I have cried, listened to the Rolling Stones (I know, not exactly Russian hymns), prayed the cravings would pass, reminisced about all the great and bad times with the cigarettes, ate delicious food (that tastes amazing), laughed, and finally feel content in truly saying goodbye. To keep with tradition, I will repeat the ritual (probably more often than the required 6 weeks and after one year) and knowing that as day’s rolls into weeks, and weeks into months, and months into years, the pain will become smaller, the harsh memories will fade, and my personality will become whole again.

??????? (thank you)

Alice

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A Time of Mourning