that bad day that sort of got better is now a crying weeping I want to die this weekend Friday. I am miserable. I do not, nor can not challenge - change this pattern. I am making myself sick with pain -pain and migraines and sleep problems and irritable and stomach things.
There is too much too do at home. House work is getting the better of me and with cocotte's activites and tiger's activities I am in a bit of a panic. Also the four of us are sharing a little cold virus so we are not at our best and are tired and gurmpy. I took yesterday off. But to no avail...
There is too much to do at work and to make up for some of it draconian changes are being pushed on me in the name of being fair to others. Of course, I am being manipulated into feeling like I am a slackard and am being paid for waisting company time when I come to the forum to check in on my emotional state during my morning break and my lunch hour. I waste 6 hours a week. So this premission I have had since 2006 has been revoked as of now. My work schedule since 2006 was 8:30 to 12:15 and 12:45 to 4:30. This is not accepted office hours so this has been revoked as of the beginning of september and I have to squeeze in to 8am to 12 amd 1 to 4:30. No lates no flexiblility this is it. It is to be fair to the rest. Still there is one in the department who has Her hours which had started as temporary one summer and stayed for the past 7 years... So miserable as I am -1- i am not going to defy authority and just just going to grin and bear it. "Of course it is not fair to them" -2- i am caught like a dear in the headlights of an 18 wheeler; no hope
I do not take to change well. And this does not feel like being fair to the others... it is the others complaining behind my back, stabbing me in the back. Plotting to get rid of me ... wanting some one faster, cheeper, smarter, easily anyone. Usually evaluations are easy times but this is too much for me. I want off!!
And to top it off I am told to watch what I tell others because they are a gang of closed minded automatons. My task a. My task b. Repete. And when not in this loop all they do is fall into a rumor mill. So I am warned that I am to trust no one. Great. Spend 9 dead hours here of stress and pressure. Make sure the 7.5 we pay you are extremely well accounted for.
I feel cheep. Like I have cheeted them out of something. I promised to be a good employee and I was not not.
I feel diminished. Like I am not equal to the rest because I have not contributed my fair share of effort to the work load.
I feel handicappied. Like I do not know how to function within the same rules the others are given.
I feel betrayed. Like I was made welcome long ago and but now am thrown out.
so what do I do?
