I am a middle aged professional who has been suffering from depression for a while, even though I didn't realize it at the time. I have had 3 major suicdal episodes in the last 3 years. First time was overwelmed by thoughts of suicide, sought help. Was put on medication and saw counselor. Made major lifestyle changes, quit smoking and drinking, started excercising, going to church and renewing my faith, reading and educating myself about depression. Didn't seem to get much out of the therapy, seems like all I heard was how great I was doing and keep doing it. Anyways, after 30 days therapist said I was ready to roll and was back to work. Things seemed to begoing well in spite of alot of drama going on in my life. Worked with my doctor and was off of medication in a year(which is what I thought you were supposed to do). Anyways things were ok until my Mom passed away and ran into problems at work, felt myself slipping, started taking my medication again, but it was too late. Made plans to take my life and harm my boss, but sought help, ended up spending time in a psych ward. Again, started on meds and therapy, worked very hard on getting myself back. It took a month and a half this time , but was declared by all doctors ready for the world. The company I worked for set up a meeting with me and promptly fired me. I got thru things, but was very angry. Was able to get unemployment(which I had never been on before) so I didn't starve, but no insurance, so stopped therapy and weaned myself off of the medication(couldn't afford it) in 6 months. Thought I was doing ok, it took awhile but finally got employed after about 8 months. Then financial problems had to file bancruptcy, went thru 3 jobs in a month. It wan't that they fired me, it was just that there was something in each instance that I decided I couldn't do the work and that bothered me, because I knew in each instance that I had the skills and backgraound to do the work. I started having major problems with insomnia, finally last wedneday night I was up all night. nothing seemed to help. I took 6 sleeping pills during the course of the night and even started drinking , anything to get to sleep and get some rest. At 5 am , made my wife breakfast and went to bed, got a couple of hours of restless sleep. Got up and started drinking again and decided that the only logical solution was to take my own life. Wrote a note to my wife, took the booze and a bunch of pills with me and drove off. Luckily my wife came home early from work and constant calling of my cell got me to answer and come home. I am back on medication now and realize I will probably be on it for the rest of my life. Not sure about everything else, not feeling severely depressed, know I have to do something, because looking back the incident really scared me. I really was going to do it this time and if it hadn't been for my wife I probably would not be here. I have loving friends and family so don't quite understand why I am having these feelings. Had a really hard time the first day after, thought they were going to send me to the hospital, no insurance, how could I afford it, what is the use getting better and falling furhter down the financial hole I was in, but my attitude is good now. Want to get better, just not sure what to do. trying to decide about therapy. Limited financially and don't feel I got that much out of it( all they did was sit there and say"great job, keep it up!"). So that is where I am at right now. Just wishing I didn't have to climb that mountain again!
