Hi Samantha,
I guess I am just tired of all the trite quotes on happiness or self-love.
This is one of favorite quotes:
I have forced myself to contradict myself in order to avoid conforming to my own taste.
By Marcel Duchamp
I like the idea that I can contradict my own self (such as the depressive thoughts, the anxiety, my own self-belief, etc). I had never considered this before, but when I saw the quote, it just struck me as something profound. I am still working out "how" to contradict myself. The logistics are still a little fuzzy. : )
Pete,
What you write really makes sense. Thankfully, I am in a different place today. But many years ago, I was filled with self-loathing (probably due to traumatic childhood issues). However, now, as I approach 40, I am actually feeling better about myself. My depression, even at it's absolute worst (when I was looking for a permanent way out) did not consist of self-hate. I was just extremely unhappy with life circumstances and did not see a way out (had that trapped feeling) without hurting everyone. I did not want to live with the pain of hurting everyone, and I didn't want to live feeling trapped. As selfish as it sounds, I was willing to "escape" my situation through a permanent solution. I know this would have hurt everyone terrible, but I would not have been around to see it or live with the guilt.
My doctor couldn't understand how a person could feel severely depressed yet not hate themselves. I guess I an anomaly. LOL!
About past mistakes and secrets, I definitely have those. But I kind of like who I am now (I would not say love). I would not be who I am now without those mistakes. I would be different, a stranger to myself. I kind of see the mistakes as building blocks of me. While they were very painful as they occurred, they have all added up to me. I am very quirky, eccentric, way too academic, very messy yet a perfectionist (don't ask me how those go together!), a bit of a social outcast, and a ton of other oddities. I like how I am not a carbon copy of everyone else doing what everyone else is doing to "fit-in." Like my other post said though, I would like a "hang-out" buddy. Just because I am an odd duck doesn't mean I want to be alone 100% of the time!
Another way I feel ok about myself is through my daughter. She is amazing and so beautiful (all parents are so biased! LOL!). I know that she is 1/2 me, which I helped contribute to who she is. I love who she is, so in turn, I really like the parts of me that are a part of her. Ok, I'm sounding weird again. This is my odd, eccentric, academic side showing. I just think the existence of my daughter has helped my own self-esteem.
I do remember being in high school and absolutely hating myself. I did actually try to achieve a permanent solution to that hate. I remember in my 20s, being so thin and pretty (that's my opinion now as I look back on pictures of myself) and thinking I was ugly and fat. Now, 20 years later, I look much older and a bit chubbier, yet I like myself more. This has made me realize that mind was lying to me, hiding my own beauty from me. I think, now, when my mind tries to do the same, I remember those pictures from 20 years ago, and I tell my mind to shut up. I know it tells me lies.
I do still have feeling of inadequacy about doing a good job at school or work or in social situations. Even though I accept who I am, I don't have confidence about those things. The funny thing is, I usually do pretty ok at those things. Maybe it is just my mind lying to me again. : )
Now if I could just address the anxiety, the trapped feelings, and the inadequacy feeling, I would be on
